RELATIONSHIPS
A Toxic Relationship Can Happen To Anyone — Even To Men
Here are a few signs that should set some alarm bells off
When it comes to bad relationships, especially toxic ones, most of the time, the victim would be the girl/woman in the relationship and the boy/man would be the one who is the perpetrator, the antagonist, the bad person, etc., who does all the bad things.
Most of the time (unfortunately), that’s usually the case. But there are also times when the victim in a toxic relationship is a man, not a woman.
However, due to the society that we live in and the rampant need for men to continuously be seen as masculine, strong, brave, etc., it’s usually hard to notice if a man is indeed a victim in a toxic or abusive relationship.
Sometimes, it’s hard for even the victim himself to realize it because he doesn’t know that he’s in one due to not knowing the signs to look out for. This is also because all his life, he’s been told to ‘man-up’ or that ‘boys don’t cry because it’s a sign of weakness and boys cannot be seen as weak,’ thus leading to toxic masculinity as well.
But honestly, there are signs that you can look out for and if you see any of this in your relationship, it can and should come as a warning.
You’re blamed for doing the exact same thing that she does
My first-ever relationship was a special one. It was my first (and I thought it would also be my last) and everything was all still new to me. Holding hands, hugging, kissing — you know, all the things a couple would do.
The first year was pretty amazing. It was as if neither one of us could do wrong. Everything was rosy — until it was not.
In our second year, I noticed things weren’t really balanced or fair.
My girlfriend would start getting upset at me for doing the exact same things that she would do. For example, going out with friends of the opposite sex.
She would literally get upset at me if I went out with my other girl friends — even if it was in a group where there are also other guys.
She would text me and call me just to check up on me, to see where I was, what I was doing, when I’ll be heading home, who I was talking with or walking next to, etc., and she’d do it like every 10–15 minutes.
It drove me crazy.
However, when I do that to her, she’d get mad at me, and she’d start to accuse me of not trusting her.
The number of times we got into arguments because of this was insane.
What to do
I tried to talk it out with her. I would ask her what she’d get mad at me for going out with my friends when she does the same thing as well. And sometimes, she’d even go out with another guy friend, just the two of them — something I never did.
She’d always put it down to her feeling insecure due to past issues she had when she was growing up.
When it could be a sign
But despite numerous times assuring her that nothing happened or would happen, that my group of friends are just that — friends, even the girls — she would still get upset and mad whenever I agree to go out and hang with them.
This would happen so often that after a while, you start to think if you should just not tell her anything anymore. And when you start to feel like you need to keep secrets from your partner, it’s a usually a bad sign.
That was when I knew I couldn’t stay in a relationship where the level of trust was unbalanced and unfair. It was hard to be in a relationship where I’m required to fully trust her but she wouldn’t trust me.
You’re constantly made to feel like the one in the wrong
We are all human. We will make mistakes, and we will keep making them. It’s just how we are wired as human beings. And this goes for both sides.
I’ve made and will probably make my fair share of mistakes in relationships. The best thing you can do is own up to it, apologise, and try your best to learn from it so that you don’t make anymore in the future — at the very least, not the same ones.
But if your partner is the one to make the mistake, and yet puts all the blame on you, then that’s not a good sign.
Again, I’ll take an example from above on my ex’s insecurities. She would always blame her feelings of insecurity for getting jealous and not trusting me. But at the same time, she would also blame me because I apparently didn’t do enough to assure her that she had nothing to be insure about.
She would say that I was always being friendly with my girl friends, smile and laugh when I talk to them, etc., and it would make her feel like I was flirting.
What to do
Again, the only thing that could be done was to talk it out, give as much assurance as one could.
Sometimes it would be enough, sometimes it won’t.
When it could be a sign
Because honestly, we all go through shit in life and sometimes those shitty moments mess you up in the long-run.
But if you’re constantly being blamed for things, even when both of you know that it’s not true, then you know it’s getting bad.
You’re always reminded that you’re lucky to have her in your life
I was never the popular guy in school. I was the nerd, the reject, the last one to be picked when it came to group activities. I always felt like I wasn’t good enough.
Being in a loving relationship is supposed to change that because your partner will make you feel like you’re priceless.
And for me, it was like that at the beginning — until it wasn’t.
It came to a stage that I was constantly reminded just how lucky I was to have her as my girlfriend, that I should be thankful she chose me because there were so many other guys who were interested in her (this part is true because there was a constant line of guys trying to hit on her even after we got together) and she could have chosen any one else — but she chose me.
And for a period of time, I believed that.
It made me start to feel worthless again, that I should be counting my blessings because I was able to have such an amazing girlfriend that so many other guys want but couldn’t get because she chose me.
What to do
You’re not worthless. If you start to feel worthless in a relationship and your partner is the one making you feel that way, you need to let them know how you feel.
Tell them that their words carry so much weight and sometimes, it just hurts you. They need to know that.
When it could be a sign
Sometimes we say things out of anger or emotion. Sometimes we say things because we want to brag and make ourselves feel good. My ex did that on many occasions — she wanted to make herself feel good by reminding me just how wanted and desired she was.
But when it’s constantly being drilled into me to the point of her saying that she could just break up and leave me anytime she wants, that I have to treat her well all the time because another guy would if I don’t, it just makes you feel trapped, and unworthy.
You don’t want to feel like you’re stuck in a relationship. That’s not the way to be in one.
It has to be mutual where both parties feel as lucky to have one another, but at the same time, also know their own worth. When your partner makes you feel like that (like how my wife does now every single day), that’s a healthy relationship that you should want to stay in.
But if you’re constantly made to feel like you owe your partner just for being with you, you should get out of it soon.
To be honest, there are probably quite a few more signs of toxicity in a relationship that you can look out for, especially if it is physical in nature. The ones I mentioned above are mostly emotional and mental signs that you can spot.
And also, it’s not specific to just men as women suffer from the same things as well in toxic relationships. It’s just that men may probably find it harder to spot these signs due to certain circumstances when they were growing up.
Remember, a good and loving relationship will make you a better person, it’ll make you want to do and be better. It won’t make you feel like shit.
Yes, there will be ups and downs in any healthy relationship but you won’t feel worthless or trapped. Challenges in a healthy relationship will instead make you feel a certain sense or resolve to want to go an extra mile for yourself and your partner.
Once you feel that in your relationship and see the same kind of commitment from your partner, chances are, you’re in a pretty good one.
If you like this article and want to read more articles without any restrictions, why not consider becoming a Medium member by using my referral link below?
Not only will you get to read tons of amazing articles, you also be supporting me as a writer.
And who knows? You might even get inspired to start your own writing journey on Medium.
You can also buy me a ‘coffee’ if you’d like.