Satire

A Totally True, Not At All Made Up Story Of How The Second Amendment Was Written

Spoiler: Edibles and Stranger Things were involved

“How’s that Bill of Rights coming along?” Thomas Jefferson asked James Madison one fine morning.

“I have a couple of amendments done. I’m working on the rest,” Madison said.

“Jeez, Jimmy, what’s the frigging holdup? I already gave you a rough draft. What the fuck, dude?

“I know, but I started binging Stranger Things and then I fell asleep.”

“Show me what you’ve got done so far,” Jefferson demanded.

“Well, here’s one I think came out pretty good.” Madison put on his spectacles and read it aloud:

“In Suits at common law, where the value in controversy shall exceed twenty-five dollars, the right of trial by jury shall be preserved, and no fact tried by a jury, shall be otherwise re-examined in any Court of the United States, than according to the rules of the common law.”

“Twenty-five dollars? That’s absurd,” Jefferson said. “This is supposed to be for the common man, not just the uber-rich. Change it to ten bucks.”

“That’s not enough. What if somebody invents inflation someday?”

“OK, fine. Make it $20.”

“Sounds good,” Madison said, and marked his manuscript accordingly. “That one’s done.

“I’ve been thinking some more about the whole gun thing,” he added.

“What about it?” Jefferson asked. “I already told you we should make it clear that we need to be ready to fight our enemies.”

“Well, I’m thinking about what would happen if the darned British ever tried to fight us again. Or for that matter, anybody else. How about all the natives whose land we’re taking? They might eventually not like it so much. And then of course there are bears,” Madison said.

“So what? Pretty much every man has a gun anyway. Good thing, because we depended on them to fight for our freedom. I don’t see the problem,” Jefferson said.

“Well, don’t you think we should say why we want people to have guns? And maybe add that nobody can have their own cannons, and that we’ll take ’em away if you go around being stupid with them? I mean just to make it all official-like?” Madison asked.

“How about, ‘Every adult is allowed to have a gun but not a cannon,’” Jefferson suggested.

“But you left off why we are OK with them having guns. We should add, ‘Because there are outlaws and bears around and we don’t trust Great Britain or frankly lots of other countries, the right to keep and bear Arms shall not be infringed,’” Madison said.

“That sounds stupid. We can’t mention bears and outlaws,” Jefferson argued. “How about just, ‘The right of the people to keep and bear Arms shall not be infringed.’ That’s clear and to the point and it sounds official.”

“But hear me out, Tommy. We don’t want every idiot in the world to run around shooting whatever. Let’s make it more clear that we see this as something for the security of our new country. How about: ‘The right of the people to keep and bear Arms shall not be infringed because we might need all the men with guns to form militias again if the British try shit. Or if a bear shows up.’”

Jefferson peered into Madison’s eyes. “Did you eat an edible?”

“It was just one gummy bear. I’m fine.”

“Now at least I get where the bear obsession is coming from. Anyway, how about this: ‘A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed.’”

“I dunno. It sounds official and all that, but I feel like there’s going to be confusion. If we put in that bit about the well regulated Militia, it’s gonna sound like we mean for guns to only be used by guys who have joined a militia. What if he’s not in a militia but he is afraid a bear might attack him?”

Jefferson snorted. “Look, we are never going to finish the damned Bill of Rights if you insist on screwing around like this. Use the wording I said. It’s totally fine. I want the rest done by the weekend. No edibles, no Stranger Things, and no bullshit. Get to work.”

And that is exactly how it happened.

About Michelle Teheux

I’m a freelance copywriter from central Illinois. Find me on Twitter or LinkedIn.