LIFE LESSONS

A Terrorist, Some Tourists and Me

Or, how we got out of the U.S. Capitol alive

What’s the difference between a terrorist and a tourist?

I could write about the time my sister-in-law and I convinced a U.S. Capitol Police Officer to let us in through a “Do Not Enter” (emblazoned in large, bold-faced, “Danger Red”, CAPITAL letters) doorway after we left an expensive camera bag — including the high-priced Canon, natch — on a bench during a tour.

Or, about the time the Veep — close to becoming the 41st President of the United States — popped out of a clandestine U.S. Capitol meeting place (in the middle of a big budget battle) and enthusiastically greeted Moker and two Wisconsin relatives who were on a tour of the premises.

Or, about the time my four-year-old nephew had the kind of meltdown only those recently matriculated from the Terrible Twos and Tiresome Threes can have — on the floor of the U.S. House of Representatives. Yup, right in front of the Speaker’s Rostrum. Where Speaker Nancy Pelosi stands and all, with her great, big gavel. Our tour guide, who had been incredibly patient during the kid’s prior Senate Chamber meltdown, and then kindly ignored the screeching dash he made across Statuary Hall, had had it with the Little Terrorist — our nickname for his behavior, not hers — by that time, and addressed one of us accordingly.

“Ma’am, please remove the child. Now!” It’s difficult to relate the exact sense of urgency in her voice, but believe me, it was there.

Let me instead start with the aforementioned Little Terrorist.

He really was just a munchkin, tired of the “touristy” D.C. agenda we’d forced him into. It all started with the singing — quite loudly and off-key — at the Tomb of the Unknowns, the sacrosanct ceremony on a pristine hill above Arlington National Cemetery. The little guy continued with an attempt to climb the U.S. Navy Memorial, on the way to a stop at elegant and historic Ford’s Theater, where he lounged on the recently restored velvet seats with a Blow Pop in hand.

Yeah, my bad. But that’s why the cousins always called me the “Favorite Aunt”.

Of course, the sticky treat did just that — adhered itself to one of Ford’s 19th-century chairs. Fortunately, we didn’t get near the box where President Lincoln was assassinated in April 1865 in the — at that time — almost-new venue. I’m sure the Little Terrorist would have met his match had we ventured that far.

And when we made it to the U.S. Capitol, Ian (yes, he has a name) was in total destructo mode. He caused enough of a ruckus to get us all kicked out of The People’s House.

Of course, we never let a family reunion go by that we don’t remind Ian — now a grown-ass man — of the terror he caused that day.

We lived on Capitol Hill, near the seat of American power, for 12 years.

My kids played on the U.S. Capitol grounds. We went to free concerts on the West Lawn, hosted by an array of celebrities — where the National Symphony Orchestra serenaded us on Memorial Day, July 4 and Labor Day each summer. In winter, before climate change hit D.C. with a vengeance, and drifts of snow would pile up several feet at a time, we took the kids sledding down the steps where the president is usually sworn in on Inauguration Day — and where thousands of supporters of the former guy stormed the U.S. Capitol’s barricades, trying to disrupt our American way of life, on January 6, 2021.

Since Tuesday was the six-month anniversary of the Day Democracy Almost Died, I thought I’d give a shout-out to tourists. And an ever-so-slight nod to terrorists. And to the ability to know the difference.

I possess special powers.

No, I’m not related to the Shaman of QAnon fame — that weirdo with the animal skins and a helmet made out of some kind of horns who was picked up for his role in the events of January 6 — nor am I gifted in other ways, except perhaps in the realm of gab. But I do know how to deliver a dang good D.C. tour.

I, of course, usually play the long game, and get the out-of-towners — aka, those “tourists” — out of bed at Oh, Dark Thirty, in order to get to Arlington Cemetery early enough to witness the first Changing of the Guard that day — one of the most majestic and reverent sights they’ll see while visiting. And then, depending on the strength and stamina of those I’m touring around, we could do any number of “touristy” things. That would mean sticking to the punishing schedule that caused my young nephew Ian to implode, or even adding history-centric sights, such as the White House, to our agenda.

Of course, most of this isn’t possible now, what with the Trump Virus and all. Most everything worth touring in D.C. has been shuttered since early 2020. The former guy not only killed more than 600,000 Americans (please don’t @ me on that — he’s responsible, in my book) because of his arrogant negligence, but he really harshed our vibe on the D.C. tourist scene, too. Unless, of course, you believe the locos in Congress who wish to downplay January 6 — the violent storming of the seat of American government — as a “normal tourist visit”.

A great tour of the Nation’s Capital brings out the patriotic and proud within us.

That’s the point of this meandering broadside, I guess. I ❤️ D.C., and all it entails. My family considers the U.S. Capitol and its environs home, and were crushed by the devastation and depredation inflicted on this sacred site six months ago. And certainly, we all wish the select committee recently appointed by Speaker Nancy Pelosi to investigate the U.S. Capitol Insurrection godspeed.

Lord knows any decent inquiry won’t be easy, what with all the naysayers in the GQP ranks. Speaker Pelosi, in fact, called all this denialism “appalling” and “sick”.

“I don’t know of a normal day around here when people are threatening to hang the vice president of the United States or shoot the speaker, or injure so many police officers,” Pelosi said.

I don’t know about you, but I’m with her.

People don’t usually die while touring D.C.

That’s something for the January 6 deniers to keep in mind. But La Familia Nelson has celebrated birthdays, weddings and holidays in the shadow of the U.S. Capitol. And quite a few “touristy” events, too. My nephew Ian, once dubbed the Little Terrorist, can attest to that.