The Strange Night of Magical Contraception
INT. BEDROOM — NIGHT. Nigel and Monica are alone in their bedroom.
NIGEL Monica, I love you and want to make love to you.
MONICA Make me a baby!
Nigel is about to undress when there’s a puff of smoke, and a strange man appears between them.
MONICA Woah! Who are you?
MAN I have a map. The Hindsight Map.
NIGEL Why are you in our bedroom?
MAN Monica, you cannot have sex with Nigel tonight.
MONICA Okay.
NIGEL Do you know this guy?
MAN If you do, you’ll conceive a baby and, see here (points at map), twenty three years from now the baby dies. Right after you’ve paid for college.
NIGEL Which college?
MAN Columbia.
NIGEL We can afford Columbia?
MAN Monica has a good job, but that’s not the point. The point is if you wait until tomorrow, you’ll have a girl who lives a long life.
MONICA We should wait.
NIGEL We should?
MONICA It’s the life of our baby.
NIGEL Well yeah, but… I was kind of hoping… We could use a condom!
MAN It breaks.
NIGEL So we’ll use a different condom. Which one breaks?
MAN They all break.
NIGEL All of them? The whole box?
MAN Yup.
NIGEL I’m returning these.
MONICA Where can we get one of these maps?
MAN I have the only one.
NIGEL It’s really a foresight map.
MAN Hindsight.
NIGEL Hindsight is looking backward. You’re looking forward.
MONICA He’s right.
NIGEL Sure, you’re looking into the future.
MAN I’m looking back from the future and fixing it. That’s hindsight.
NIGEL If you were in the future, then it would be hindsight. You’re in the present.
MAN If I were in the future, that would be the present.
NIGEL The future can’t be the present.
MAN If you’re in it. It’s only when you’re not in it that the future’s the future.
Nigel: You’re not in it.
MAN I’ve been doing this a long time. It’s a Hindsight Map.
NIGEL It doesn’t make sense.
MAN I can have sex with Monica.
NIGEL What!
MAN The map says it’s safe.
NIGEL That’s not the point.
MONICA If the map says it’s safe, Nigel. I should probably have sex with this man.
NIGEL You said she can’t have sex.
MAN I said she can’t have sex with you.
NIGEL This map is bullshit.
MAN She can have sex with anyone. Except you.
MONICA It’s for the best, Nigel. Strike while the iron’s hot!
NIGEL You don’t even know him!
MAN She’s right. You return the condoms, Monica and I will have sex.
NIGEL You don’t need a condom?
MAN No. The map never lies.
