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Abstract

ully daft alternative.You know your child; you’ll work out how to handle these edge cases.One thing not to do — in my opinion — is to express surprise there and then. Sometimes facts you weren’t aware of will come up — maybe they did well in a sports match they hadn’t mentioned earlier. Or maybe they fell out with a friend and hadn’t brought it up. Build on this new news at breakfast the next morning. Not while working through the questions.<h1 id="68da">The Questions I Use</h1><h2 id="8ab0">Question 1: What are you grateful for today?</h2>Straight in with this. Powerful and important. The word grateful in this context is not actually entirely straight-forward for a child, but as you explain it they will get the intent of the question.The aim here of course is to show there is always something positive in every day, and articulating it as something to be grateful for is important — both for the general sense of wellbeing and also to counteract all the things that didn’t go quite so well.As the opening question, this has also given rise to the title for the whole interaction in our household. Namely “Right, let’s do our gratefuls before we sleep.”<h2 id="d26a">Question 2: What are you grateful for in nature?</h2>Several years back I added this question. For two reasons. Some days the answer to Question 1 was naturally something about the sun through the classroom windows or how soft the grass was. These were wonderful answers but detracted from the aim of the first question; namely at getting to something that had happened, been done, etc. involving people and the activities of the day.The second reason came as we entered winter and the sun disappeared and the grass got wet. By ‘insisting’ on something positive about the natural world every day it reminded us about the fun of puddles, the excitingly sharp sensation of cold wind, and even curious answers such as “the bushes are still thick enough to shield the small birds from the cold.”I’d love to be one of those people who took a simple photo of ‘nature’ every day as a reminder of how lucky we are, wherever we might live. As an alternative, I reflect on these answers from my kids.<h2 id="2586">Question 3: What did you win at today?</h2>Yes, win! An emotive term I know, but in my belief model everyone needs to be striving all the time, and as such, we need to be winning. This doesn’t mean top in the Latin test or first in the cross-country run (though both those would be good). It means anything that has overcome an obstacle. You will know as a parent when an answer is too lazy, and prompt your child to think a bit harder.We’ve had everything from finally remembering to go and get a new library book to, for the first time ever, finishing the plate of food when it was chicken curry day at school lunch.<h2 id="9e7e">Question 4: What did you fail at today?</h2>This question has two roles. One is to realise we can always do better. The other is to get a form of closure on the failure if that hasn’t already happened. As such, this question should be answered by

Options

the “what” and then can be followed up with question and answer of “so what have you learnt?” or “what are you going to do differently next time?”. This should be just one further thought, with details left to the next day (unless of course a major concern that needs proper discussion).There is an argument for putting this question before 3 as you want to build up a positive out of this question. If you use the same Question 5 as I do then that positive comes then, and this can stay as Question 4.I also believe that having started with the win in Q3 means that if the failure is a painful one, then it is sandwiched between two positives.<h2 id="b5f4">Question 5: What are you going to be awesome at tomorrow?</h2>This is an impactful question to end on. It combines both a positive thought with a short-term plan. If the day has been hard, it flips it to thinking tomorrow is in their control, and if the day has been good, then this builds a positive point on the energy of today.The answer doesn’t need to be profound. And in fact for most children 5–15 they shouldn’t have a major aim every single day as that’s not (yet?) the point of their lives. “Get 20 out of 20 in Spanish”, “Ensure I am not late to my music lesson”, “Listen more carefully to the sailing instructor”, “Not miss the school bus again” are all good answers.Of course, sometimes you do want boldness — “Winning the swimming gala despite being against the favourite” or “being polite with Katlyn even though she is rude and unpleasant”.<h1 id="5248">Go for it Tonight, and Persevere for 10 Days</h1>I know this may feel odd, even uncomfortable, for you. But if inside you know it could be valuable, then you must go for it. Start now, be outside your comfort zone for 10 days, and then decide. I’m pretty confident that handled correctly it will feel natural and exciting by then.Importantly, in my opinion, one thing not to do is start with fewer questions. The questions are not hard and there are only five. Starting with fewer means you then need to decide when to increase and how to explain why the change is happening. Just do it.I’ve shared this idea with friends and colleagues over the years. Some have been more successful than others. A lot stumble early on when it feels new and odd. That’s a shame. I far prefer those situations where it faded away after months or years because alternatives had come along as their children grew up.I’d love to hear how this works for you and your kid(s). I’d also be keen to know if over time you change the approach and the questions. These work really well for us but is obviously not the only way of achieving these aims.Good luck. I’m confident this will add a wonderful additional dimension to your interaction with your child/children.To support you on this exciting journey we now have an ebook and print version of this approach available via Amazon. Click here for <a href="https://amzn.to/3DaafZs">UK</a> or <a href="https://amzn.to/3FfZC9y">US</a> or simply search “Paolo Cuomo”.</article></body>

A Special Way to End Your Kids’ Day. Every Day.

The five questions we discuss every night before sleep

We have few routines in our household. Far fewer than I would like. But one is immutable.

Every night, once the children are in bed, irrespective of time, tiredness, or mood, I ask them five questions.

These questions have evolved over the years, but they’ve been pretty stable for a while now. There are two about gratitude, two about reflecting on the day, and one about tomorrow.

It’s been going so long I forget the origins of this practice. Some combination, I would imagine, of the noise around journaling, and the importance of ending the day with a plan for tomorrow.

I started with one child at eight years old. The other at six. This has never been odd for them. Sometimes they struggle with answers. Sometimes the questions revisit problems from the day that they thought they’d pushed away. Sometimes it leads to longer conversations that then delay actually going to sleep. But, to reiterate, while it may well feel odd to you as the adult for a while, your child will almost certainly get used to it sooner than you do.

(Note: we now have an ebook and print version of this approach available via Amazon. Click here for UK or US or simply search “Paolo Cuomo”.)

When and Where

This will clearly depend on your current approach to bedtime. Regardless of your own routine, I think this needs to be done as close to sleep-time as possible. You want the thoughts to go with them as they close their eyes, but also because a reflection of the day needs to try and take in the whole day. Ideally, you should have any other end-of-day conversations about school, friends, concerns, or detailed plans before you ask the questions.

These questions should have very short answers — a couple of words or a sentence at most (except the fourth, which typically needs a second brief thought.) If something is raised that needs a longer or more profound conversation, you should quickly decide whether it is urgent enough to tackle immediately, or to very clearly agree to discuss it in detail tomorrow.

How to Ask

The first few times may feel stilted and there may be a need for some cajoling for a better reply (or any reply at all). This should be done with the usual calmness and affection that is so important at bedtime.

Occasionally it doesn’t work out — especially if they are already half asleep after a movie or a car journey. Clearly, if they are already asleep, they should not be disturbed. Sometimes the tiredness simply means that “I can’t think” is the answer. In these cases, I help them on the way to a response— whether via a direct suggestion or a purposefully daft alternative.

You know your child; you’ll work out how to handle these edge cases.

One thing not to do — in my opinion — is to express surprise there and then. Sometimes facts you weren’t aware of will come up — maybe they did well in a sports match they hadn’t mentioned earlier. Or maybe they fell out with a friend and hadn’t brought it up. Build on this new news at breakfast the next morning. Not while working through the questions.

The Questions I Use

Question 1: What are you grateful for today?

Straight in with this. Powerful and important. The word grateful in this context is not actually entirely straight-forward for a child, but as you explain it they will get the intent of the question.

The aim here of course is to show there is always something positive in every day, and articulating it as something to be grateful for is important — both for the general sense of wellbeing and also to counteract all the things that didn’t go quite so well.

As the opening question, this has also given rise to the title for the whole interaction in our household. Namely “Right, let’s do our gratefuls before we sleep.”

Question 2: What are you grateful for in nature?

Several years back I added this question. For two reasons. Some days the answer to Question 1 was naturally something about the sun through the classroom windows or how soft the grass was. These were wonderful answers but detracted from the aim of the first question; namely at getting to something that had happened, been done, etc. involving people and the activities of the day.

The second reason came as we entered winter and the sun disappeared and the grass got wet. By ‘insisting’ on something positive about the natural world every day it reminded us about the fun of puddles, the excitingly sharp sensation of cold wind, and even curious answers such as “the bushes are still thick enough to shield the small birds from the cold.”

I’d love to be one of those people who took a simple photo of ‘nature’ every day as a reminder of how lucky we are, wherever we might live. As an alternative, I reflect on these answers from my kids.

Question 3: What did you win at today?

Yes, win! An emotive term I know, but in my belief model everyone needs to be striving all the time, and as such, we need to be winning. This doesn’t mean top in the Latin test or first in the cross-country run (though both those would be good). It means anything that has overcome an obstacle. You will know as a parent when an answer is too lazy, and prompt your child to think a bit harder.

We’ve had everything from finally remembering to go and get a new library book to, for the first time ever, finishing the plate of food when it was chicken curry day at school lunch.

Question 4: What did you fail at today?

This question has two roles. One is to realise we can always do better. The other is to get a form of closure on the failure if that hasn’t already happened. As such, this question should be answered by the “what” and then can be followed up with question and answer of “so what have you learnt?” or “what are you going to do differently next time?”. This should be just one further thought, with details left to the next day (unless of course a major concern that needs proper discussion).

There is an argument for putting this question before 3 as you want to build up a positive out of this question. If you use the same Question 5 as I do then that positive comes then, and this can stay as Question 4.

I also believe that having started with the win in Q3 means that if the failure is a painful one, then it is sandwiched between two positives.

Question 5: What are you going to be awesome at tomorrow?

This is an impactful question to end on. It combines both a positive thought with a short-term plan. If the day has been hard, it flips it to thinking tomorrow is in their control, and if the day has been good, then this builds a positive point on the energy of today.

The answer doesn’t need to be profound. And in fact for most children 5–15 they shouldn’t have a major aim every single day as that’s not (yet?) the point of their lives. “Get 20 out of 20 in Spanish”, “Ensure I am not late to my music lesson”, “Listen more carefully to the sailing instructor”, “Not miss the school bus again” are all good answers.

Of course, sometimes you do want boldness — “Winning the swimming gala despite being against the favourite” or “being polite with Katlyn even though she is rude and unpleasant”.

Go for it Tonight, and Persevere for 10 Days

I know this may feel odd, even uncomfortable, for you. But if inside you know it could be valuable, then you must go for it. Start now, be outside your comfort zone for 10 days, and then decide. I’m pretty confident that handled correctly it will feel natural and exciting by then.

Importantly, in my opinion, one thing not to do is start with fewer questions. The questions are not hard and there are only five. Starting with fewer means you then need to decide when to increase and how to explain why the change is happening. Just do it.

I’ve shared this idea with friends and colleagues over the years. Some have been more successful than others. A lot stumble early on when it feels new and odd. That’s a shame. I far prefer those situations where it faded away after months or years because alternatives had come along as their children grew up.

I’d love to hear how this works for you and your kid(s). I’d also be keen to know if over time you change the approach and the questions. These work really well for us but is obviously not the only way of achieving these aims.

Good luck. I’m confident this will add a wonderful additional dimension to your interaction with your child/children.

To support you on this exciting journey we now have an ebook and print version of this approach available via Amazon. Click here for UK or US or simply search “Paolo Cuomo”.