A Small Understanding Can End Hurts and Insults in Your Life
My journey from taking everything personally
I was driving back home from work, a cab stood on my way to the free left turn. The driver had to go straight when the light turned red and he got stuck as a blocker for left turners.
I honked ceaselessly knowing he can’t move an inch, he came out making his case. He was right, it’s a usual scenario on Delhi’s roads, nothing to justify furious reactions and verbal outbursts from my side.
This guy is standing wrongfully in my way — this is how I took it — and upbraided him. I used the rulebook to justify my point, also called him a moron before the signal go green. This instance left me with a deep ponderance of the series of events that preceded my reaction.
The association
I felt helpless and ineffective in office that day; my view was cast aside, I felt unimportant, unrecognized. The needless outburst on road was my way of releasing the pent up frustration.
The problem statement is not the happenings on road but in the workplace. And my lack of response to it there. My image of myself as a person of importance was badly damaged in the workplace, I attempted to restore that importance on the road.
The desire to command was my need.
We always hear “it’s my ego doing it” or ‘I too have an ego” etc — as if having an ego is indispensable or if ego is a third person in the room.
Ego is our image of ourselves. If there is an image it is bound to get hurt, we are bound to get personal.
An image that sees us as being right all the time. It is this image of mine that differentiates me from you, i.e. you can be wrong but I’m always right. Ego is the sum total of all such lofty images that we have made about ourselves.
The images make me. Attack to any of thee made-up images is a direct assault on me and I have a right to protect it. This is how we perceive.
An unforgettable incidence
When we shifted to the national capital 5 years back we had a backbreaking day with the affairs of house-shifting and managing things. We went out for dinner, it was our time personal time. We pored over our mobile, checking the day’s messages, surfing news, all random stuff. Having a me-time at the end of a hectic day is exhilarating.
We overheard a couple sitting adjacently making fun of us — why do people come out to dine together if they can manage to be happy in the company of their mobiles? — probably they intended us to listen to them and amend.
Mostly, it was us who made such snide philosophical remarks bordering on cliches. It was the moment of our realization of how wrong we have been. We simply don’t understand the other person’s needs.
If I’m speaking and someone is looking out of the window then I get offended. The perception of insult is borne out of a lack of understanding. It’s likely that this fellow has some trouble, maybe is having an off day — it’s not about me — it’s about him.
Change in assumption can change the plot. When I shift my attention from me to we — the empathy — can change the meaning.
The degree of truth is the deciding factor
Emperor Akbar was moving on the elephant with his retinue. A man jeered at the King and spat on the ground looking at him. It was a grave insult to a ruler. Akbar ordered his security to arrest the offender and bring him to court. He intended to pronounce the harshest punishment.
When the offender was brought in, they realised he was mad. He didn’t remember what he did, he was spitting and taunting as they tried to speak to him.
At that very moment, the perception of insult vanished. It was replaced by concern and understanding.
Perception is the construct of our imagination. The same instance elicited a different response. In this case, the image of Akbar in his eyes didn’t take a hurt once he knew it was unintended. There was no offence in the act of insult per se.
Let us say if someone calls you a Nazi or a murderer, you are not likely to get offended. Offence happens only and only if we relate to it.
If there is no truth in the abuse then it won’t hurt
If I’m called a moron it does hurt me. I can relate to my being a moron than being a Nazi. There has to be some degree of truth in the insinuation for relatedness to root in.
It is time to realize this connection — between the remark and my own image about myself. If there is no impression of being a Nazi or the opposite of it, say pacifist then there will not be a registration of insult.
Being called stupid and moron attacks our image of ourselves. The feeling of hurt is a defense mechanism that prevents us from understanding. If I accept I get depressed, if I don’t accept then I feel hurt.
So what to do?
J. Krishnamurti says, “understanding is liberation”. Acceptance and rejections are reactions. You may still call me an idiot and if I don’t have an image of a genius or an idiot I won’t relate to it and hence won’t take your remark personally.
It’s very deep-rooted in our conditioning from an early age. Our parents have always compared us to other children, we are graded in school, there is an incentive for being genius and disregard for being a fool. It can possibly never go away as a system.
So, the comparison is the beginning of hurt. It can’t be avoided in the partial order. One can’t be very elated as a response to adulations and avoid being dejected to reprehensions. As long as there is satisfaction borne out of superiority, the opposite, despair in rejections, will find its way.
The word innocent is derived from “nocere” which means “incapable of being hurt”. The cultivation of an innocent mind is the beginning of liberation from the constant need for social approvals to avoid being insulted.
If there is no idea of me then the person can’t be hurt. An innocent man is a beautiful man.
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