A Small Experience Can Unlock a Life’s Healing
Unless we forget to do one thing.
We’re wired for negativity. Our emotional radar circles round and round looking for any blips on the horizon. Problem is, we miss what’s happening on the ground. And sometimes what we miss is something we’ve wanted for a very long time. An example…
Last week, Kitt phoned to say her mother was in hospital. It was a long-standing problem. Her mother did not want treatment and had managed to carry on for a few years. But now the situation had degraded precipitously. Kitt realized the gravity of the situation and got her help, then into a hospital.
Kitt’s relationship with her mother, Elsa, is a minefield of pain. In her childhood, Elsa ignored Kitt to the point it bordered on abuse. Then she left Kitt to look after her younger siblings as she went around the world.
Later years were not much better. Her mother far preferred to spend time with friends and other relatives, showing little interest in Kitt and her family. Kitt persevered, did the good daughter routine, and accepted a lot of it as ‘the way she is’.
But one thing carried particular pain like it summed up everything else. Her mother never said thank you to her.
“She does it with everyone else! Not only my brothers and cousins but the woman in the shop. Calls her, my angel! I cook for her. Bring her things all the time. Call every day. But for me? Nothing.”
This outburst resurfaced every time her mother overlooked something. Which it has to be said, happened often. It’s like there was a wall that kept Elsa from showing her daughter simple politeness. Which is especially strange as they are British.
I suspect her mother subconsciously sensed the depth of Kitt’s well of pain. An opening of any kind risked releasing the flood of all the unsaid and undone. Elsa couldn’t face it. So, she didn’t do it. And Kitt never said anything about it. And the pain continued.
I came up with one of my incredibly astute comments. “How terrible for both of you,”
“I know. She told me afterward how grateful she was that I was there. That I’d taken care of things so well. She was most thankful. And then when I spoke to the doctor, he went on about how we needed to…”
An electric shock went through me. “Whoa! Wait a minute! Back up. Your mother said, thank you?”
“Yes. Well, I did help out massively.”
“As you’ve always done, but this time she acknowledged you. This is worth sitting with for a minute, Take it in.”
Kitt went pensive. “That’s true. I was so busy I didn’t notice.”
“I’m not suggesting you hold onto it or to expect more of it but to be present with it. After all these years. She said it. She said thank you.”
“Yes, she did. And it feels strangely frightening. But it does feel good.”
It actually meant the world to Kitt, but if I had not stopped her, the old pattern would have won out. She would never have seen it or felt it. Too focused on the next blip on the radar.
Kitt’s mother died a couple of days later. But not before she’d broken through the wall and thanked her daughter. I don’t believe this to be a coincidence. I think she somehow knew it was her last opportunity and finally dared to say the unsaid. And it led to another blessing.
Her mother slipped into semi-consciousness shortly after. Kitt decided to tell her mother her regrets anyway — how they had not had the relationship they might have due to Elsa’s choices and behavior. And that she loved her deeply. Kitt did it without anger, with an open heart.
Elsa opened her eyes, smiling beatifically. She slowly moved her hand, a great feat given the extraordinary pain Elsa was in, and covered Kitt’s hand with her own. Like something out of a film. But true and powerful.
Kitt is now moving through her mother’s passage, without carrying regret or anger. Simply amazing.
Do it consciously knowing what you are doing.
I thought back to all the times I’d quickly boxed someone’s reaction or judged them out of existence. Was I following reality or was I seeing it through my filters and missing an opportunity?
But it might hurt if I don’t do that.
Yes. True. A friend of mine comes to mind. We had a difficult relationship with the reasons why all falling on her side of course, this is my story. It exploded and we stopped talking.
Years later, she managed to come and visit a mutual friend at the same moment as me. We mended bridges. A few years later she cut me off during one of my blackest moments.
She re-reappeared a couple of years ago. Never twice without thrice. She happened to be in Paris. Did I want to have coffee? I sensed she was in trouble and agreed.
I helped her the best I could and, you guessed it, she knifed me again. This time when I warned her that her sister was suicidal. She took it personally, thinking I believed her to be incapable and uncaring. Voila part of her filter about me. (My information was the other sisters were not doing anything. This turned out not to be true.)
You know what? It was fine. I knew before going back into the relationship it would probably crack up in the most peculiar way. And it did. But my slight upset was worth not wondering if I should have tried. Just to say we often magnify the possible pain and minimize the ongoing disturbance of not doing/ not knowing.
Reset your radar for new potential.
We have to use our radar to search for what gifts come towards us too. Otherwise, we keep reinforcing our old experiences, recreating them now. Be brave enough to recognize when someone does something different.
How? Sometimes we can trick ourselves into taking down our filters. One way is to pretend you don’t know them. It is the first time you are meeting. What is your experience? How do you feel? It there anything different or new? Give it a little time. Doing this sometimes even shifts the other person too.
It takes courage to recognize when a difficult person in our lives is reaching out or offering change. We bat it back down or walk past it because we’re afraid to accept it. Afraid we’ll feel worse or walk into a trap. And not seeing and feeling the change will certainly feel worse.
But if we take the step with eyes open, we will have an opportunity explore ourselves and protect ourselves. If it is as before, we will be wiser and they will be the same. Who won?
Take the chance.
Would love to hear how you feel and what you experience. Email me at [email protected]
