Life Lessons/Relationships
A Skeptic’s Take on Marriage and Happiness
What I Learned — despite myself
Growing up, I never wanted to get married. I never fantasized about the perfect wedding. I never thought about who my bridesmaids would be or what kind of dress I would wear. I never pondered about how wonderful it would be to settle down and have a family.
In my scenario, I would be fabulously single forever albeit a string of long-term relationships with dynamic, attractive men but none of those men would ever be able to tie me down in marriage. I would be wild, independent, and free. It seems a bit silly now, I suppose.
Looking back, I had envisioned my life much in the way the women on ‘Sex And The City’ lived on TV — at least in the first few seasons. Single and glamorous forever with enough of a career and social life to keep anyone satisfied. No children to anchor me to mundane responsibilities and no husband to hold me back.
There was only one problem. Life happened. Love happened. And then — marriage happened. Twice, actually.
I gave in to those dreaded marriage vows after all.
Throughout that journey, I learned some things.
I realized that sometimes the things you say you never want to do are the things that ultimately become your biggest teachers in life. I found out that relationships aren’t controlled only by what I want out of life. Relationships are guided by the two people who have decided to be life partners together.
I learned that compromise isn’t necessarily the weakness I had always thought it was. Compromising didn’t have to mean ‘settling’ or ‘giving in’ necessarily. It could mean being part of a team and a relationship where communication and support are key elements.
In relationships, you don’t always have to agree on everything. Not agreeing isn’t a deal-breaker and agreeing with your partner doesn’t mean you’ve lost a battle.
Relationships that feel like you’re constantly fighting in a war are the hardest ones to endure. Finding a partner who wants to fight by your side instead of against you can be difficult to find. It can take a lifetime to find that kind of person — and it can take a lifetime to become that person for someone else.
I wasn’t a good partner until I made it to my second marriage. I didn’t know how to compromise. I was still selfish on many fronts. I still wanted to argue and revel in strife. But then I grew up and I found a person to be with me, not against me.
I discovered how to be on someone else's side instead of just on my own.
I never had the perfect wedding or the perfect dress. Both of my wedding outfits were under $100 and one of them wasn’t even a dress at all.
I ended up finding something much better than a fancy wedding dress or an idealized fantasy of how marriage should be. I found something real that has taught me humility, wisdom, and compassion.
I never cared much for pomp and circumstance, for weddings or formal affairs. I never cared much for the idea of marriage. But I can tell you that out of both of my marriages — one is still going strong — and I have given my full heart and soul to it.
Never say never.
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