A Single Shared Passion Is Enough To Keep The Fires of Love Burning

On the foundation of shared values and great communication

Sitting at an outdoor picnic with married friends the other day, I was swept up in their love for one another. We live on a pastoral farm, and ours is the kind of intentional community that sometimes sings together. There we were, with the sun shining down on us (yes…I live in a place where we can both gather for picnics and where the sun shines warm and bright in mid-February), and it was as though my two friends were making love right there on the grass by blending their voices.

I know this couple well enough to know that their’s is not an easy marriage. They struggle to negotiate home-upkeep and time management. Both partners at times feel that there is not enough free time, love or money to go around.

Singing though, has the power to turn down the volume on those life-stressors for these two, even for just a little while. It’s something that they each love to do separately; but, that they do best when they are together. When they harmonize, they love each other and they feel vitally alive.

What does it mean to feel alive?

Though unpleasant, a global pandemic is an excellent opportunity to think about feeling alive. Just now, we are surrounded by so much death, and we are each in our own way, craving the freedom to live, live, live!

The sad reality is that even without the pandemic, most of us have been living lives that are full of commitments that don’t make us feel radically alive.

Useful? Yes. Responsible? Absolutely. Powerful? Sometimes. Alive? Not so much…

Back in the days that marriage was for property or political alliance, the function of love-relationships was to make us feel radically alive. Passionate and fleeting, explosions of love were not burdened by the stuff of life — with bills, children, bad bosses and aging parents.

Love helps us to feel alive and grateful to be alive

The price we pay by making the primary societal unit (the nuclear family) based on love-relationships is that the stability it provides can sometimes feel more like a prison than a blessing.

A Relationship Should Feel Like a Blessing

If you are among the lucky folks who find yourself in a long-term committed relationship during the pandemic, no matter how tense things might sometimes get, take a moment today to thank your partner for riding the waves of 2020 with you. Those who’ve had to go it alone are starving for companionship and touch. If you’re loved, you’re blessed. Period.

Next, seize the opportunity of this pandemic to recommit to a life of shared passion. Why? Because love should make us feel radically alive!

When researchers Arthur and Elaine Aron, Christina Norman and others brought 63 married couples into the lab to research the keys to maintaining relationship satisfaction over time, they found that the least satisfied couples were those who engaged in no shared activities, followed by those who did even boring tasks together. But, those couples that reported feeling the most fulfilled in their long-term relationships on a number of measurable metrics were the ones that engaged in novel interesting actives, together. In other words, couples who play together, stay together.¹

“Couples who play together, stay together.”

If you and your mate share basic values and have strong communication skills, a single shared passion is enough to keep the fires of love burning for a lifetime.

I know…those are two big “ifs…”

Getting on the same page about values and communication styles is hard, important work. If you’re not partnered, both are matters that are best worked out while dating, and both can require a trained coach or therapist to help struggling couples find their footing.

But, if you and your mate have the building blocks down, so much so that you can sometimes feel like you are living in a brick fortress, it is time to remember what turned you on in the first place and commit to making space for that passion in your shared life.

I love watching this truth of relationship dynamics at work with couples who sing together. No matter how weighty the burdens of life get, give couples like this a campfire and a guitar, and they get swept away in their passion for making music together.

Sadly, I can’t sing. For me, as a former competitive gymnast, its engaging physical activities like bike riding and paddle boarding that I most love doing with my man.

There is something so sexy about his strong hands on my waist, the cool wind in our hair, as we’re out playing together in nature. Feeling alive while spending time together helps us feel alive together. The exhilaration of our shared passions nourish us in the mundane moments of life.

Can you remember the very first time you laughed out loud with your love?

Were you snuggled side by side watching a sweet movie? Were you in a diner on a casual date (ah…dates in restaurants…)? Were you playing or watching a shared beloved sport?

The very best part of courtship, and the part we so often let fall by the wayside once a relationship moves from new to familiar, is engaging in actives you both enjoy, together.

Passionate, Together

In order for this to work, there must be something in your life that you deeply love doing; an activity or pastime that makes you feel like yourself — calm, joyful, free.

The rat-race of adulting will try to steal these things from us; that is why its so important that our beloved help us to remember.

If you don’t have a passion, it is time to get one.

Start with the outdoors. Start by moving your body. Start with sex. Or art. Start with creativity. Start by calling an old friend or a parent and asking for their help in remembering what you once loved. Start with your inner child.

The couples that are happiest over time are the ones who have basic agreement about values and communication habits, and who have at least one shared passion.

A shared passion acts as a refuge in the storms of life. Life is rough, especially lately. The stability of long-term commitment buoys us as we’re thrashed about by challenges and stress. But, it’s our passions that can bring back the joy.

Some couples share intellect. Others get turned on by politics. Or shared religious worship. Or loving pets. Some sing together or ski together. Some love engaging in the same physical activity or mode of creative expression.

It doesn’t much matter what it is. What matters is that there is at least one passion that you can share with your love, that can put you in touch with the goodness of being alive, together.

It is the antidote to the diapers and the bills, the aging parents and the work stress.

We humans are born to live. If our lives become too rote or too empty, the still small voice in us starts yelling until we’re ready to listen. People who cannot find a sense of vitality within their relationship end up looking elsewhere for it, as a life-saving measure. Affairs and addictions are often where we see the instinct towards passion run amok.

Instead, take the opportunity of the shuttered world to commit now to a life of passion. Make time for yourself to feel alive. Express your love for your mate by calling them back to their passions. Find one you share and commit to doing it together, religiously.

It is the best long-term investment you can make in your vitality and happiness.

Sarene is the founder of Awakened Body, a hands-on healer and guide, using words and touch to help you to feel vitally alive.

1. Aron, A., Norman, C. C., Aron, E. N., McKenna, C., & Heyman, R. E. (2000). Couples’ shared participation in novel and arousing activities and experienced relationship quality. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 78(2), 273–284.