A Short List Of My Many Manly Fears

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eves GIF and think “are they judging me?” They are. It’s okay. It still freaks me out a bit, but it’s okay. They know I’m a dork, right?</p><p id="c6ea">5. I have anxiety dreams all the time about suddenly not having any money in my bank account. I lived this anxiety reality for years. Then there was the time someone stole my identity and drained me of money. And then, once, the government put a lien on my bank account. In their defense, I had failed to pay my taxes for a long time. When I learned the taxman can collect by reaching into your checking account I became a spontaneous, and momentary, right-wing Republican. I’m not living paycheck-to-paycheck anymore — but I still sweat whenever I pay my bills at the end of the month.</p><p id="cf65">6. I was convinced as a boy that I was going to die in a nuclear war. This was during the peak of the Cold War in the 1980s. There’s a part of me that is afraid of mushroom clouds. I remember being told it’s better to be vaporized than to survive because radiation sickness kills you slowly and painfully. I use to have nightmares of burning to death. I spent my childhood in a suburb of Washington DC on the Virginia side. Everyone knew that if the missiles started to fly we were fucked. My dad worked for the Federal government and he once told us that if nukes were launched, his boss would survive but we wouldn’t. The powerful get bunkers, the rest of us don’t. So my junior high school friends and I had a plan if the worst happened: we were told we probably had fifteen minutes from the moment we heard the siren until the blinding white flash. So we promised we’d find each other in that time, crack beers, and toast the end of the world together.</p><p id="35d9">7. My next-door neighbor just told me she was just getting over the stomach flu while we were riding in the elevator and my own stomach flipped. Why did she have to talk to me? Or look at me? I wish I wasn’t a hypochondriac. But every time I have a scratchy throat I think I’m dying. True story: I once convinced myself I had cancer because I was constipated. Anyway, I’m afraid of my body. Especially mucous. <a href="https://www.livescience.com/eggshell-testicle-case-report.html">I’m also afraid of parasitic worms

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infecting my testicles.</a></p><p id="76fc">8. I’m afraid of not being able to defend myself. Of being attacked and being too weak to fight back. Every man has been raised to think of himself as a karate-chopping street fighter. A hero. It’s one of the only coping mechanisms we’re taught. But deep down I suspect that I’d collapse like a Jenga tower if I had to fend off a mugger or, I don’t know, a post-apocalyptic biker mutant. I’m pretty sure I’m a bleeder. Maybe I could possibly take on one Hydra soldier? <i>Maybe</i>, if I ambushed him? <i>Had a baseball bat?</i> But two? No way. Those Krav Maga classes I took are probably useless unless I’m up against a giant evil pillow.</p><p id="4f46">9. I am afraid of letting my friends and family down. That, to me, is what failure actually looks like. As a man, I’ve been programmed to succeed at work and life at all costs, like a chubby, single-minded Terminator. But I’ve failed plenty in my life. I’ve been rejected time and time again. I’ve launched websites that almost immediately sunk. Those kinds of failures are easy to eat. I recommend trying a dollop of mustard. The way I see it, winning and losing are different sides of the same coin so keep flipping them. But not showing up for my loved ones when they need me is something I fear. I’ve not always been there for people. I have been thoughtless and selfish. I don’t want to repeat those mistakes. I will pick up the phone at 2 AM. I hope.</p><p id="c519">10. Asking for help is hard. It frightens me. When I ask for help I usually get it and things work out. But I don’t always ask. I’d rather smile and suffer and white knuckle it.</p><div id="2316" class="link-block"> <a href="https://readmedium.com/7-rules-for-men-b0cd80cf9ef8"> <div> <div> <h2>7 Rules For Men</h2> <div><h3>Everything you need to know about life is in the movie ‘Krull’</h3></div> <div><p>medium.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/1*4qQJuVdoMY_86w4DEOWMKQ.jpeg)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div></article></body>

Just because I’m brave doesn’t mean I’m not scared all the time

1. I’m afraid of things crawling into my ears or getting stuck in them. A spider in my ear is a real hell-on-earth scenario for me. I also haven’t bought earbuds because I am a crazy person who thinks they’ll get stuck.

2. I am genuinely afraid of the “facehuggers” from the Alien movies — those awful crab-spiders with the whipping scorpion tales that jump at your face and impregnate you with a baby alien. I am, specifically, terrified of one of those things flying out of the darkness at me, it’s eight-legs spread open like a giant hand. I am not technically afraid of the dark but when I stand at the top of a basement staircase before turning the light on I usually cringe because what if? I guess I’m afraid of something horrible lunging at me from the shadows. This is why I don’t walk around Central Park at night.

3. I’ve been sober for nine years and I’m very proud of that. But I’m scared of falling off the wagon. That thought is always in the back of my head. I am not a big fan of certainty but I do know one thing and that’s this: if I were to ever start drinking again that would be a sign that something in my life has gone horribly wrong. Otherwise, I wouldn’t be choosing oblivion. I don’t drink to numb just the pain. I drink to numb it all, forever, if possible.

4. I’m not afraid of getting older but I do dread choosing the wrong GIF on Slack. Here’s the secret to aging in the workplace: don’t try to act younger than you are but whatever you do, do not act your age. I guess I’m insecure when it comes to being witty on company instant messaging platforms. I should just respond with ‘thumbs up’ but sometimes I get creative and post a Keanu Reeves GIF and think “are they judging me?” They are. It’s okay. It still freaks me out a bit, but it’s okay. They know I’m a dork, right?

5. I have anxiety dreams all the time about suddenly not having any money in my bank account. I lived this anxiety reality for years. Then there was the time someone stole my identity and drained me of money. And then, once, the government put a lien on my bank account. In their defense, I had failed to pay my taxes for a long time. When I learned the taxman can collect by reaching into your checking account I became a spontaneous, and momentary, right-wing Republican. I’m not living paycheck-to-paycheck anymore — but I still sweat whenever I pay my bills at the end of the month.

6. I was convinced as a boy that I was going to die in a nuclear war. This was during the peak of the Cold War in the 1980s. There’s a part of me that is afraid of mushroom clouds. I remember being told it’s better to be vaporized than to survive because radiation sickness kills you slowly and painfully. I use to have nightmares of burning to death. I spent my childhood in a suburb of Washington DC on the Virginia side. Everyone knew that if the missiles started to fly we were fucked. My dad worked for the Federal government and he once told us that if nukes were launched, his boss would survive but we wouldn’t. The powerful get bunkers, the rest of us don’t. So my junior high school friends and I had a plan if the worst happened: we were told we probably had fifteen minutes from the moment we heard the siren until the blinding white flash. So we promised we’d find each other in that time, crack beers, and toast the end of the world together.

7. My next-door neighbor just told me she was just getting over the stomach flu while we were riding in the elevator and my own stomach flipped. Why did she have to talk to me? Or look at me? I wish I wasn’t a hypochondriac. But every time I have a scratchy throat I think I’m dying. True story: I once convinced myself I had cancer because I was constipated. Anyway, I’m afraid of my body. Especially mucous. I’m also afraid of parasitic worms infecting my testicles.

8. I’m afraid of not being able to defend myself. Of being attacked and being too weak to fight back. Every man has been raised to think of himself as a karate-chopping street fighter. A hero. It’s one of the only coping mechanisms we’re taught. But deep down I suspect that I’d collapse like a Jenga tower if I had to fend off a mugger or, I don’t know, a post-apocalyptic biker mutant. I’m pretty sure I’m a bleeder. Maybe I could possibly take on one Hydra soldier? Maybe, if I ambushed him? Had a baseball bat? But two? No way. Those Krav Maga classes I took are probably useless unless I’m up against a giant evil pillow.

9. I am afraid of letting my friends and family down. That, to me, is what failure actually looks like. As a man, I’ve been programmed to succeed at work and life at all costs, like a chubby, single-minded Terminator. But I’ve failed plenty in my life. I’ve been rejected time and time again. I’ve launched websites that almost immediately sunk. Those kinds of failures are easy to eat. I recommend trying a dollop of mustard. The way I see it, winning and losing are different sides of the same coin so keep flipping them. But not showing up for my loved ones when they need me is something I fear. I’ve not always been there for people. I have been thoughtless and selfish. I don’t want to repeat those mistakes. I will pick up the phone at 2 AM. I hope.

10. Asking for help is hard. It frightens me. When I ask for help I usually get it and things work out. But I don’t always ask. I’d rather smile and suffer and white knuckle it.