A Rejoinder To A Well Written Rejoinder

Is it a kitchen or a jungle or a mistress? Enquiring minds want to know.

I must hand it to a recent “shot across the bow” I received from a writing fellow who haunts our hallowed halls. I don’t believe I’ve read a piece with so many fifty-dollar (probably a couple of hundred-dollar) words in it.

As impressive as it was, and as funny as this writer tried to make it, it just somehow fell just a couple of “putt-putt” strokes short of an entire game.

You can read it here if you’d like.

In it, dear Praveen Jagwani gives us a hilarious (uh, maybe) witty (yeah, okay) put me in my place (far above his capabilities to hear him tell it) slam (more like a gentle tap on the shoulder) on my scathing rant.

Which, by the way, I publicly apologized for in a follow-on story. You can read it as well if you’d like.

My guess is as a writer who manages to assume his own self drawn conclusions that all of us “serious” writers wear “edible panties” he probably didn’t do his homework. And I highly doubt, he takes the time to read any of my work. Except for the Putt-Putt piece which prompted his “rejoinder”.

Edible panties dude? Really? For the record, the most purchased male underwear on Amazon just happens to be Fruit of the Loom. And the last time I checked not a single pair of their “fruits” is edible.

But don’t sweat it my dear Praveen I’m a Hanes kind of guy anyway. Or commando when I’m really feeling frisky.

But another thing I’m a little concerned about is your writing.

No, not the fact you manage to eloquently “contrast the sublime luminosity of my syntax and punctuation”, with your “take me to task” show of written power, but actually the fact you seemed to have detailed your writing first as a mistress, then as a kitchen, and finally a jungle.

A Darwinian jungle at that.

Is your writing all of the above? As in, all over the place and not really going anywhere? Are you feeling a bit peeved with yourself, or hey, maybe me?

Perhaps it’s what I said about some of the writers not being willing to do the work.

Of course, not you sir. I can tell by the magnificent usage of words Hemmingway would have probably puked all over, you worked your “rejoinder” hard to make it sing.

Like a coal mining canary that just keeled over in a cage.

Ah, assumptions. Look what they’ve done. They seem to have made an ass out of either you or me.

I never said any of those writers sucked. And I never said, nor implied I was a better writer than they were. I just said they were lazy. Perhaps I should have detailed the difference between a shitty written piece and a good piece that requires more work to make it better. Would me embarrassing another writer by providing detailed examples of their failed attempts have made it easier for you?

Is that perhaps the reason you took umbrage, sir?

Oh, and a really nice touch with this proclamation on the continued perseverance of lazy writers. For a millisecond (maybe it was much less) I thought I could hear Mel Gibson in Braveheart.

The editor can ax our split infinitives and our phallic quills but never our fingers.

Okay, maybe Jeremy Irons in Macbeth.

Well done, sir. Well done. You write with a phallic quill and split your infinitives? Do all writers such as yourself (you did use the word “our” twice in the sentence so I’m guessing there are more of you out there) write with penises and split their infinitives?

Regardless, of that alarming fact, I must bow to your brilliance, sir. How daring, how bold. How penis of you.

So, my dear Praveen. I’ve had my say. You’ve had your say, and I’ve had my say. I suppose you and I are pretty much like Steve Rogers of Captain American fame.

We both could do this all day, right?

How about we give our readers a breather and bury the hatchet (not in each other’s skulls) for a bit and offer them some of our best work aimed at a real message and not each other.

Are you game dude?

XOXOXO

Hugs and Kisses from a loyal Hanes underwear wearing fan.

Paul Barnett

Thank you so much for reading. You didn’t have to, but I’m certainly glad you did.

Let’s keep in touch: [email protected]

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