Healing | Trauma | Child Sexual Abuse | Relationships
A Reading: A Guilty Father Speaks From Beyond the Grave
It’s never too late to heal

At the beginning of every session, I always asked clients not to give me any information during the reading, other than to answer my questions with, “Yes,” “No,” or “I don’t know,” and if I asked a question that required anything more, I wanted only the briefest answer possible.
Not only did this help me offer a clean reading, it removed any speculation that I was merely feeding back what I’d already been told, or that I was making educated guesses.
In other words, it removed the possibility that I am a fraud.
I knew nothing when the sessions started, other than who it was they hoped would come through or what they hoped to achieve from our time together.
In the interests of brevity, what is written below is a condensed version of the reading.
A petite woman, 40-ish, is on the other side of our Zoom call. “SR” says she’s been considering doing this for a long time but hasn’t felt ready until now. After making sure her husband has the little ones under control and that she will have privacy, she is ready to begin.
I ask, “How can I help you today?” During our messages to book this appointment, she hasn’t given any hints.
“Just with whatever comes up.”
“Sure. Are you okay if spirits come through with messages or do you just want to look at whatever is going on for you right now?”
“Yeah, I guess that’ll be fine.”
“Okay.” I take a moment to tune in and connect. “There’s been a lot shifting for you for some time. Something going on for quite a while. Feels like more than 6 months, maybe a year or so, something like that?”
“Yes.”
“Thank you. Whatever this is about, it’s creating a sort of ripple effect in your world, affecting everything. It’s like there’s a before and an after. Although you’re not in ‘after’ yet, but I mean everything is different now, or will be different because of whatever this is.”
“Yeah. That’s right.”
“Thank you. There’s a sudden end to something in here, too. It’s not the reason for this shift, but it’s related to it. You’ve stopped something. Or made some big change. Your job? You quit or it ended or you’re doing something very different now?”
“Yeah, I quit.”
“Okay. I’m seeing you as being separate right now, if that makes any sense. Like, you’re over here, and everyone and everything else is over there. Or this is how you’re feeling anyway.”
“That’s pretty much exactly how I feel, yes.”
“It feels like a — like a sort of heaviness. A sadness. That’s not exactly right word but kind of a weight, I guess. And it’s causing a lot of change. I feel confused, a lot of feelings coming up; would you understand this?”
“Exactly.”
I focus again, waiting to receive more information. “I feel a presence here, a male presence. Kind of hesitating. Like he wants to come forward but isn’t sure he should. Feels like an older male, like father, or father figure. Is your father in spirit?”
“Yes.”
“Okay. Thank you. I feel conflicted with him, an ambivalence that I don’t understand but there’s a feeling of him wanting to say something but he’s not sure. He’s scared. He’s scared of something.” I ask him to come closer. He obliges. “Okay, there’s a lot of emotion coming through here, so please bear with me while I wade through what he’s trying to say.”
“Okay.” She shifts uncomfortably in her chair.
“He’s claiming responsibility for something and wants to apologise. It’s more than just saying that. He wants you to know how truly sorry he is. I’m hearing the word, ‘guilt’ or ‘guilty.’ I get a sense of him causing you a lot of pain. He’s giving me all of this in a combination of a few words and a lot of feelings, so it’s not a nice, neat package; I’m trying to put it together.”
“No, it’s good, it makes sense.” I can see a lot of emotion in her face.
“He’s making me feel intense shame, there’s a lot of shame and regret tied together. He doesn’t want to say what he did but it feels like it’s not that he doesn’t want to admit it to you. It’s because I’m here. Does that make any sense at all?”
“Absolutely.”
“Okay, thanks. He wants you to know he understands the damage he caused. He’s showing me an image of you being on a boat. It looks like a rowboat in the middle of a lake? You’re rowing across the lake.” I ask him to explain. “He’s talking about you going on a journey but it doesn’t feel like he means an actual journey. Like, not a holiday.”
“Mm-hm. I get it.”
“Oh, that’s this shift, isn’t it, you’ve been going through some kind of change or something, like a healing journey or that sort of thing?”
“Yes, that’s true.” She clenches her jaw a few times. Looks to be holding back significant emotion.
“Whatever he’s apologising for … he wants to say he really didn’t get it when he was on this side of life. He knew it was wrong but he didn’t understand the depth of the damage he was causing but he can see it now. He hates how it’s made you feel about yourself.”
He gets quiet. I listen more intently. “He’s talking about secrets. Keeping secrets. He made you be quiet; does this make sense?”
She nods as tears begin to trickle down her face. I can feel what he did; he doesn’t need to say it. Neither does she.
“Again, he’s talking about how sorry he is. How guilty he feels. Hang on a minute; he’s taking me somewhere else.” I listen, wait. “He’s showing me when he was young, a boy. He’s giving me the feeling that this happened to him, too. A large man, it’s not his father but someone close. Maybe an uncle or a family friend, but he was subjected to the same sort of treatment. He’s quick to say he’s not excusing what he did. He’s not trying to justify it. He just wants you to understand what drove him there, not for his sake but for yours. He keeps saying, ‘It wasn’t about you,’ like you’ve been asking what you did to deserve this, or feeling like it was your fault, that sort of thing, and he wants to be really clear with you, it wasn’t you, it was him. And it was what was done to him all those years ago.”
“Oh, my God. I never knew,” she says quietly through her tears.
“Again, he’s insisting this is not an excuse. He doesn’t want you to feel sorry for him. He’s taking full responsibility for what he did and he’s so, so sorry for how it has hurt you through your life. He wants you to know that although it might be hard for you to hear this, he loves you. He always did. He’s just so sorry he couldn’t have been the father you deserved.”
I can feel his emotion settling as he has finally been able to say this. “He’s also saying he hopes you can forgive him. Not for his sake but for yours. He says, ‘I don’t deserve it, I know that. I just don’t want you to carry this anymore.’ He wants you to let it go so you stop hurting.”
“I don’t know how to do that,” she chokes out the words. “But that’s why I booked this appointment with you.”
“To hear from him?”
“No. Well, maybe. I wasn’t sure if I was ready for that but I’ve been seeing a therapist since last year and she keeps saying I need to let this go. I’m not sure what I was expecting when I made the appointment with you. A friend saw you a while ago and she said maybe you could help.”
“And was she right?”
She smiled. “Yeah, I feel lighter somehow. Like, I don’t feel so angry. I think it’ll take some time to process all that happened today but I feel like this is really going to help me move past this. Finally.”
“SR” stayed in touch now and then after our session, advising me of her ongoing progress with healing the violations and abuse by her father. She said his acknowledgement and apologies, plus revealing the abuse he endured were the greatest factors in her ability to forgive him. Since our session, she has made great strides in letting go of the pain she had carried with her for decades.
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