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Abstract

ky. I saw minimal growth with Estrogen alone, even though my hormone levels were identical to a genetic female for over two years. My doctor and I added Progesterone, yet, sadly, still no big boobs.Because I’m a big girl (size 24), I need big boobs to be proportional. Every day I wear a size 52C bra (yes, I heard you gasp; I understand). I have to add biggish foam breast forms. This is tolerable but absolutely not the solution I require to quiet my gender dysphoria. Plus, the foam boobies are not an option when I do water aerobics or go to one of the local hot springs to soak.I made this deal with myself that if I’d lose fifty pounds then I’d look into augmentation. I failed on that. It’s complicated. When I was a five-year-old effeminate boy I had two male church leaders molest me for months. I chose then to cover my body in fat as a shield. It didn't work. Other men hurt me, and I’m still stuck with a wall of fat decades later.I decided to move forward with augmentation anyway. My soul demanded it. First, I got a mammogram. I have relatives and a bestie who died from breast cancer, so I felt I had to rule that out before I proceeded. It went well. It was an interesting rite of passage, at least for me.Last week I met with a plastic surgeon who takes my insurance. I live in a trans-friendly state who will cover needed medical care for gender dysphoria. My girlfriend, who has always wanted double Ds, is angry about this. She assures me that the state is discriminating against her by not paying for her to go bigger too. It’s now a topic we don’t discuss.The surgeon was incredible. He was kind and affirming. Interestingly he has prospective patients put rice in a stocking until the amount of rice equals the breast size the patient is seeking. Then he weighs the rice to

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calculate the size of the implant.I’m a “go big or go home” kind of girl so I jumped ahead and got his assessment on what was the largest size I could get away with. After a discussion, we settled on 755 CC silicone implants. so that’s the plan…ExceptHe lowered the boom. I have to lose 90 pounds first. I knew that part was coming but I expected him to say half that. He will not operate on anyone whose BMI is over 35.I get it. I should have done this long ago, but such is life. Losing that weight will also lengthen the number of years I get to enjoy my double Ds, so I’m highly motivated. I’ve lost seven pounds since the consultation. We’re looking at scheduling the surgery late next spring to keep me motivated.There’s a huge safety aspect to all this. The more I quietly pass as the woman I am the less likely it is that I could be harmed. In our weird political climate running up to next year’s election, one side has decided the issue that matters most to Americans is crushing the dreams of transgender folks. I’ll be SO glad when we get past that.To be continued…<figure id="d1ac"><img src="https://cdn-images-1.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:800/1*vn91eTxMmDc2M9aeSDUzuw.jpeg"><figcaption>This is me now. I pushed my boobs together to make them look bigger. Photo by and of the author.</figcaption></figure>I’ve had an amazing life and look forward to telling you many more poignant and amazing stories. Please follow me and consider buying me <a href="https://ko-fi.com/sophiakellygrace">a beverage by clicking here</a>. Thank you.<figure id="d1d0"><img src="https://cdn-images-1.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:800/1*qeh5cqrNH2jxPHaJwpJZYA.png"><figcaption>Amy Sea image adapted by Canva</figcaption></figure></article></body>

BREAST STORIES

A Quest for Breasts — My Mamoir

I’m going double D to make up for lost time

**My Eyes Are Up Here**, Original Art by Simply Sophia

I’ve always yearned for “ample bosoms.” When a viewer is doing that thing they do to quickly gender someone, nothing screams woman like big boobies. I greatly desire to be given that treasured label. I couldn’t care less about being sexy, but I have a great need to be gendered correctly. Sadly, for much of my life folks thought I was a dude.

I knew I was a girl at three when I argued with my mother on the topic. She said little girls don’t have penises, and I shouted back, “Of course, girls can have a penis! I have one and I’m a girl!” I made Mama cry. This happened in 1965 and I was way ahead of my time on my declaration.

To survive in a world that probably would have hurt me if I’d transitioned last century, I had to wear the mask of a man. I have CPTSD over all that. I finally felt safe to transition socially just four years ago.

I did all the things one does to be perceived as female: I went on estrogen and progesterone, grew my hair out, and started doing makeup most days. But what I really wanted, rather desperately, was boobs. In my mind that was the most important symbol of the authentic me.

At least my nails are fit for attending a Barbie movie. Photo by and of the author.

Going on hormones generally increases breast size by a cup size, two cups if the person is lucky. I saw minimal growth with Estrogen alone, even though my hormone levels were identical to a genetic female for over two years. My doctor and I added Progesterone, yet, sadly, still no big boobs.

Because I’m a big girl (size 24), I need big boobs to be proportional. Every day I wear a size 52C bra (yes, I heard you gasp; I understand). I have to add biggish foam breast forms. This is tolerable but absolutely not the solution I require to quiet my gender dysphoria. Plus, the foam boobies are not an option when I do water aerobics or go to one of the local hot springs to soak.

I made this deal with myself that if I’d lose fifty pounds then I’d look into augmentation. I failed on that. It’s complicated. When I was a five-year-old effeminate boy I had two male church leaders molest me for months. I chose then to cover my body in fat as a shield. It didn't work. Other men hurt me, and I’m still stuck with a wall of fat decades later.

I decided to move forward with augmentation anyway. My soul demanded it. First, I got a mammogram. I have relatives and a bestie who died from breast cancer, so I felt I had to rule that out before I proceeded. It went well. It was an interesting rite of passage, at least for me.

Last week I met with a plastic surgeon who takes my insurance. I live in a trans-friendly state who will cover needed medical care for gender dysphoria. My girlfriend, who has always wanted double Ds, is angry about this. She assures me that the state is discriminating against her by not paying for her to go bigger too. It’s now a topic we don’t discuss.

The surgeon was incredible. He was kind and affirming. Interestingly he has prospective patients put rice in a stocking until the amount of rice equals the breast size the patient is seeking. Then he weighs the rice to calculate the size of the implant.

I’m a “go big or go home” kind of girl so I jumped ahead and got his assessment on what was the largest size I could get away with. After a discussion, we settled on 755 CC silicone implants. so that’s the plan…

Except

He lowered the boom. I have to lose 90 pounds first. I knew that part was coming but I expected him to say half that. He will not operate on anyone whose BMI is over 35.

I get it. I should have done this long ago, but such is life. Losing that weight will also lengthen the number of years I get to enjoy my double Ds, so I’m highly motivated. I’ve lost seven pounds since the consultation. We’re looking at scheduling the surgery late next spring to keep me motivated.

There’s a huge safety aspect to all this. The more I quietly pass as the woman I am the less likely it is that I could be harmed. In our weird political climate running up to next year’s election, one side has decided the issue that matters most to Americans is crushing the dreams of transgender folks. I’ll be SO glad when we get past that.

To be continued…

This is me now. I pushed my boobs together to make them look bigger. Photo by and of the author.

I’ve had an amazing life and look forward to telling you many more poignant and amazing stories. Please follow me and consider buying me a beverage by clicking here. Thank you.