A psychologist’s view: Why you mustn’t chase in relationships
This behaviour is deeper than you think
In my clinic I see people chase all sorts of things. They chase the next big business venture, the next drug high, the big win, the next great relationship… and on it goes. Chasing has been associated with a need for dopamine. But as research has suggested, the more we chase the more we want! Since there is no saturation point, you will at some point find yourself chasing for the sake of the high provided by the chasing itself.
When chasing happens in a relationship, it is rarely a sign that you are part of a balanced and mutually satisfying relationship. Rather, it tends to be symptomatic of imbalance, mixed messages and more often than not- at least one person who is failing to see their own worth. In this brief article, I am hoping to help I can persuade a few such people to take control of their behaviour and channel their energy into relationships where there is no need for chasing. These are relationships that will nourish you and be reflective of your emotional investment.
Some similarities to the field of addiction
In my clinical area of expertise, gambling addiction, the phenomenon of chasing is everpresent and highly destructive. A gambler will enjoy the anticipation and buildup of the gamble session. (Often more so than the actual gambling as it happens) While gambling, there might be a win, which means the addicted gambler gets excited about the win but simultaneously craves a continuation of the high. Alternatively, there will be a loss, in which case the loss typically triggers negative sensations that, also, will give rise to a desire to avoid and numb the feeling with further gambling. There will also be an increasing desperation to ‘get back what was lost’. This, plus the thrill of the unpredictable outcome will keep people locked in a loop where they gamble more to end their gambling problems. The mind will construct clever reasons as to why it makes sense to try one more time. Any attempt to disrupt the gambling mid-cycle will likely give rise to unpleasant cravings. This experience in itself is hard to sit with and hence the draw to re-engage in the activity of gambling feels temporarily like a more sensible thing to do.
When you chase in relationships you fail to see the woods for the trees
In the context of relationships, you will find that the chasing behaviours end up taking on a life of its own. Chasing here can equate to calling, texting, emailing and/or obsessing about someone from whom you have either had a bit of attention or in some situations a full-on relationship but one that is not fully reciprocated. You might even have experienced the loss of a relationship but often without the opportunity of closure or understanding. As discussed in previous articles I wrote on Medium, the intermittent reinforcement provided by unpredictable or lopsided relationships can spur the chase on even more!
Deeper reasons for chasing
1. Lack of self-worth induces chasing and also maintains the need for it
When you chase, you risk overvaluing the person you chase simply because of the highs and lows you experience whilst bidding for their attention. In the early phase of a relationship, we can kind of understand that the anxious anticipation of a text, initiative for a date etc can be a bit exciting. It might make you feel like you won the lottery when you hear back and as if the feeling makes up for all the time spent in the agony of uncertainty. Whilst this process can feel fairly addicting, you want to keep your attention on the following:
In the long-term; chasing someone will destroy your self-worth. Why? Because you are acting as if you are undeserving of them already from the time you are chasing them for attention. Whether you feel worthy or not right now; you need to ACT like someone who deserves a person to love you and commit to you in an unaided fashion. Anything else will result in them relating to you as though you are somehow less important than they are or as someone who can will settle for less than they deserve.
Don’t confuse what you want with what you need
In the hot chase for reciprocation, you will forget that the very basics of a relationship are found in the existence of mutual interest. Without that, you will never be at ease or at peace.
Chasing in relationships tends to be associated with a want rather than a need — nobody really *needs* a relationship where they are having to chase after the other person!
Deeper reasons 2: the reward/dopamine system
Dopamine is a neurotransmitter in our brain implicated in many functions. Whilst it is often referred to as a ‘pleasure chemical’ it is so much more than that. Dopamine is involved with several functions including attention, sleep, mood, movement and the seeking of pleasurable rewards. When released in the brain, we experience a sense of pleasure that causes us to want to seek out more of the behaviour that caused it. Unpredictability and anticipation stimulate the dopamine system and make us want to pursue more of the behaviour that we think will generate the reward.
To make matters even more complicated, we also experience rewards differently depending on whether the reward is expected or not. This is something called ‘prediction error’ in the clinical literature. To put it simply, we will be more excited (and have a greater dopamine release) when the reward is unexpected than we will if the reward is anticipated. This can explain why predictability is sometimes rated as ‘boring’ in relationships- however healthy it actually is for it in the longer term.
Further effects of dopamine
Because the release of dopamine feels exhilarating, it can easily create a delusion about what our priorities should be. This is because it contributes to a narrowing of attention towards the very thing that is contributing to its release. See web scrolling as a perfect example of this. We just keep going — not because we enjoy it or because we don’t know other things need to be done- but because it is the easiest way to obtain a little bit more dopamine. The search for another hit of dopamine can make you think preferentially about something that will create a good feeling NOW.
A lot of the good stuff in life requires sustained attention, commitment and work. The rewards are delayed and we have to keep this in mind when we prioritise our current efforts. Not least in a relationship that we would like to be part of for a long while to come.
Liking vs wanting
‘According to researcher Kent Berridge, there are two systems, the “wanting” and the “liking” and these two systems are complementary. Dopamine is part of the wanting system. It propels you to take action. The liking system makes you feel satisfied and therefore pauses your seeking. But the dopamine wanting system is stronger than the liking system. You tend to seek more than you are satisfied. You can get into a dopamine loop. If your seeking isn’t turned off at least for a little while, then you start to run in an endless loop.’
(quoted by Susan Weinschenk PhD- see full reference at the bottom of the page)
The addicting trance of chasing in a relationship
Chasing after someone gets you hooked on the act of chasing. If you need to chase, there is an overwhelming likelihood that you have already been exposed to some intermittent reinforcement. When we get rewarded on an unpredictable interval (which triggers dopamine just like in gambling) we experience a sense of further ‘wanting’.
It is at this point that many people make the mistake of equating what they feel they need with what they actually need. In reality, the very fact that someone is being wishy-washy or uncertain in their commitment to you should be a turn-off- not a culprit for an extended chase!
Their unpredictability ends up being like gasoline to the fire of your obsession. Similarly to gamblers who develop cognitive distortions about their degree of control over the machine, you might just start believing that it is you rather than them that needs to find the magic combination that will ‘unlock’ their true love for you!
Ending the chase- no matter how great a person they are
Please note I am not saying that the person you are chasing might not be fantastic in every way. But if they are not into you or fully committed to you — you may still have a problem. The fact you have to chase them means you are making them too important to you. A bit like chasing likes on say Instagram, you will realise soon enough that there is no saturation point. You are fuelling a greed of the mind that will only grow bigger and more powerful the more it gets fed. It can cause a delusion as to what is actually a priority vs what is just a chase for another ‘hit’. End the chase now, and know that you are doing something that will guarantee that you take your control back.
Instead; Keep your attention on the bottom line: A relationship is the natural result of two people who organically wish to be with one another
Chasing losses in love is the equivalent of chasing a falling knife in a crypto chart- it will be highly unlikely to end well. Whilst dopamine certainly facilitates the initial ‘falling’ in love with powerful feelings it gives rise to, do not confuse the feeling of dopamine rewards for ‘love’ in the context of long-term relationships. A long-term relationship can of course give rise to many spikes of dopamine, however requires a lot more than that. More importantly, the kind of situations that give way to peaks in dopamine are tied in with more wholesome interactions and behaviours.
Without sounding pompous or trying to dictate to others what love is — I would argue that love is more than a feeling. A long-term relationship requires committed actions, presence, loyalty and a willingness to show up — even when the rewarding feeling is not there at all. When you think of it in that way, it may be easier to understand why chasing a high is going to create a mudslide towards unhappiness, unfulfillment and unrequited ‘love’. You deserve someone who wants to move towards you freely and happily.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/brain-wise/201802/the-dopamine-seeking-reward-loop
