The mechanisms of letting someone go
A step-by-step guide to releasing someone who has already let you go
When clinging becomes an act of masochism
What happens when someone suddenly starts withdrawing
As a Psychologist, I frequently encounter the following type of scenario:
Two people have been dating for a while and the relationship has typically featured high intensity and feelings of enjoyment for both partners. Suddenly, (and often out of the blue) one person (*who tends to be the one who presents as my client) reports that they feel the other person is withdrawing from them. Something feels ‘off’ and different from how it used to feel. But rather than getting this fact validated, there tends to be a range of rationalisations and excuses from the other person that just about makes sense; at least enough to make it worth ‘hanging in there’ to see if things can work out.
The absence of straight communication acts as a breeding ground for self-doubt, intense self-scrutiny and thought patterns that are often preoccupied, if not obsessed, with finding the other person is withdrawing. Rather than accepting that their withdrawal is a negative event irrespective of the reason, what ensues is instead a painful inward dissection of what one might have said, done or not done to ‘make the withdrawal happen’.
The person who has started the withdrawal person will often begin to take on a slightly different tone towards the ever-increasing intimacy. It may sound something like this:
‘I just feel like things are moving too fast’
‘I just feel like…..(followed by an often strange explanation of what is not going right in the relationship’
I am giving you examples here that are not only typical but also reeks of the inner conflict experienced by the person communicating them.
Whilst the word ‘just’ might make it sound like the relationship is generally going well and there is only this small ‘just’ —I recommend that you detach for a moment and reflect on this. What you will likely find is that the thing to which ‘just’ is referring — will likely undermine the entire future development of a relationship!
The withdrawal can also be communicated via more sophisticated excuse-making such as sob stories e.g., ‘My gran is in the hospital so I just didn’t have time to text back’ or ‘Honestly my work schedule is just too busy at the moment… shall I reach out when things are less busy’
As I have pointed out in some of my previous articles, your gut feeling in these circumstances is not only a sign that something could be off. It is THE sign that you need to accept that the relationship is ‘done’ as far as you making further efforts.
Summary point 1: Listen attentively to what they are saying at this point!! And if the words make no sense, you do not override them with your own version of explanations. You instead listen to your gut instinct of how it feels things are going. If they are not going at all — that is your cue to fold.
This sounds so harsh- are there no exceptions? Surely people can have tough times that prevent them from entering a relationship
Yes, this is right, there absolutely can be situations that prevent people from being ready to enter a relationship. There can also be many times when a person for one reason or another has experienced a sudden change of heart. If you think about it- any of these conditions still spell trouble for your odds of building a mutual future with this person. At least at this point in time.
Additionally, if your gut detects a withdrawal and responds with anxiety and fear of losing the relationship— this is almost invariably a result of mixed messages and not seldom a symptom of a highly triggered attachment system on your end. Both of these are red flags that should suggest that it is wise to step back and withdraw your own efforts too.
Mixed messages breed denial. Denial is the reverse of acceptance!
Think about it like this. When we end up confused in life about people and their intentions be it at work, with family, in friendship or romantic relationship — it is typically the direct consequence of mixed messages. Our clever brain is very astute in picking up on discrepancies between what someone says and does and will react appropriately to the sense that something is not going to be good or helpful for our well-being. Thank evolution for the fact that these instincts are built into us. It is however a shame that society at times has us programmed not to listen to our instincts and instead create a soothing narrative that fits more with our wishes than our needs.
Summary point 2. If someone tells us that they like you- yet do not make an effort to see you. It leaves doubt.
Likewise, if someone says they are not too keen on building a relationship, yet keeps showing up like a jack-in-the-box from time to time, it also leaves doubt.
The inability to trust one’s instinct paired with the denial of the experience as it unfolds constitute a large part of what prevents people from accepting the situation and henceforth letting it go. Put simply; mixed messages are much harder for our brains to process than simple, straight requests or commands but with the right preparedness, awareness and understanding, we can overcome this problem.
Letting go requires acceptance. Acceptance requires deliberation
People grieve good relationships regardless of how healthy or unhealthy they are/were. There is however a far more complex mix of rumination, denial, obsession and doubt left behind by the less healthy dynamics. These features act as stumbling blocks for letting go.
In general, our ability to let go is a consequence of living in acceptance of what happens to us. When we ruminate, our brain sounds like this:
‘why did he/she do this…. I cannot believe this has happened’
‘if only I had not said x then they would not have done y’
‘How dare they do this, it is unfair…they can’t do this to me’
In simple terms, our brain is a problem-solving machine. It bites into a problem with a gusto for generating solutions. Those thoughts will fire away 100 miles per hour. In situations where there are no consistent facts to rely on, or where things have been traumatic or disturbing on a deeper level- our dear little brain gets stuck in its attempt to find solutions.
In these circumstances, solution-focused thinking may still be the destination- but the brain stops at the point where it is generating the ‘why…, if only,…should have, would have could have… statements. If you take a good listen to what is going on- it is more akin to denial of reality and an attempt to question facts as they are.
To understand and be compassionate towards yourself is helpful here. But do not let this happen at the expense of giving your mind a compassionate but firm nudge. The rumination can get compulsive and addicting in its own right and will ‘happily’ carry on for extended periods of time unless you take proactive steps to rein it in.
How to stop ruminating and start accepting
Here is an example:
You have been on the receiving end of a ghosting experience that happened right after you thought you guys were getting close and committed. Your mind is running wilder than the Amazonas with statements starting with ‘how… why….how dare they…’ Here is the formula you follow next:
- Sound your thinking out loud — is it sounding as though you are accepting events exactly as they are unfolding and presenting themselves to you?
- If they are not- can you prompt your mind towards acceptance? Use statements such as ‘I might not like the truth but here are the facts…’(point out the facts to yourself repeatedly) ‘I don’t need to enjoy this situation to be able to accept that it is indeed happening’ ‘
Summary point 3. Rumination is a ‘failed attempt’ of our brain to solve a problem and it tends to run particularly wild at times of confusion or when we lack closure. It is important to understand that the act of rumination will not lead to closure due to the very nature of this form of thinking. We need to use acceptance skills for that.
Acceptance happens gradually as part of a process- not in a single moment
When we accept something fully, despite not liking it, we end our internal battle zone. Any resistance we have had up to this point reduces and we typically experience a sense of relief. Let me give you a personal but unrelated example:
I have a bit of anxiety about fixing stuff at the dentist. I will usually not even realise just how much I tense up in anticipation of the pain I will feel. My mind races thinking ‘Is he done yet’ ‘I don’t want to do this’ ‘Do I really need this intervention’ etc. All of this adds further to my resistance and the anxious anticipation of pain that I don’t wish to feel. But when instead of allowing thoughts of the mind and tensions of the body to take over the show, and just ‘embrace’ and accept that there will be a moment of pain followed by relief- it is all ok.
Acceptance is a place to return to again and again
There is often an idea that acceptance is a one-off procedure whereby the person recognizes once and for all that the situation ‘is what it is’, accepts it albeit reluctantly and by doing this, also successfully moves on.
I frequently encounter people who are furious with themselves for logically understanding all of what I’ve written about so far but are yet clinging on as though their life depends on it to a lukewarm lover who has already provided strong hints that they are one foot out of the relationship.
If this is you, please do not berate yourself. You are neither dumb nor are you abnormal. But you are barking up the wrong tree when it comes to letting go. You will not be able to THINK your way to letting go.
Quite the opposite.
You let go when you discontinue the obsessive ruminative and intellectualised ‘defence’ that our thinking represents . It sends you on a detour that prevents you from noticing the undercurrent of feelings that need to be felt in order to start letting go!
By taking steps to discontinue the obsessional thinking, you are creating the right conditions that will enable you to focus on the feelings in your body instead.
Letting go is a process during which you choose to actively drop your inner resistance and just feel the feeling. When we open up to pain, paradoxically the pain is less threatening. We feel as though we are in the seat of control again since we are choosing to process and stay present.
Summary point 4. Letting go features an emotional shift. We have all experienced it in a variety of situations. It brings an instant feeling of relief and a drop of our resistance towards the feeling.
When you feel the feeling- do note how liberating it feels and try to connect it to what your mind was doing (or rather not doing) just before.
Letting go cannot be manufactured by thought alone- it has to be felt.
Whilst this may sound challenging- the joy and blissful sense of detachment that comes when we cut ourselves loose from an outcome and go with the flow is extraordinary. Do not rob yourself of this opportunity for any person who has expressed doubt in wanting to be with you.
Trust and faith that you will be fine
All my best wishes for 2024. If you liked this article, please check out my other ones, and do leave a clap!
