A Psychological Move to Subtly Turn an Enemy into an Ally
How a college party taught me a valuable life lesson about relationships
During a college Fraternity party, I watched in awe as one of my best friends turned an angry stranger into an ally.
The experience took me completely by surprise. After all, most parties taught me more about the dangers of thumping dance music, cheap alcohol, and bad decisions. Yet, I’ve never forgotten the lesson I learned that wild night in college. A lesson about human nature, power dynamics, and relationships.
Since then, I’ve used the lesson to transform confrontation into a community, win over complete strangers, and integrate myself into hostile groups. It’s not magic, but the results can seem almost magical.
Here is that lesson.
The Frat Party
Let me set the scene. Every Friday night, my fraternity hosted a party in the basement of our frat house. The place was outfitted with a sound system, a couple of bathrooms, a disco ball, and enough dancing space to crowd sixty or so less-than-sober college students into a swaying throng of scantily clad inebriation.
Since my fraternity hosted the party, our party manager assigned each of us a role. That night I had front gate ticketing duty.
My friend, Brad, was stationed at the top of the “going down” stairs. To explain, two sets of stairs connected the first floor of the frat house to the basement. To direct traffic, we designated one set of stairs as the “going up” staircase, and the other set as the “going down” staircase.
Brad’s job sounded simple: don’t let anyone come up the “going down” stairs.
If there’s one thing I’ve learned from 4–5 years (don’t judge) of college, it’s that drunk people don’t listen very well. That’s not the psychological trick I learned that night, but it’s a valuable lesson nonetheless.
Noone liked stair duty because, inevitably, people wanted to go up the stairs instead of down. Brad spent a large part of his night directing rouge party-goers back down into the basement. Annoying, but predictable.
What happened next was anything but predictable. A tall, imposing guy bounced up the stairs toward him.
The Confrontation
At first, Brad simply asked the guy to go back down the stairs. The same way he’d asked countless others that night. But this wouldn’t turn out to be the usual three-second conversation.
The guy still wanted to come up the stairs.
Brad could have handled the situation in a number of different ways. He could have yelled at the guy, scolding him to follow simple directions. He could have shamed him into submission.
Brad could have even physically shoved the guy back down toward the basement.
Instead, reading the situation, Brad made quick calculations that the guy could severely beat him to a pulp. Physical strength wasn’t the answer. Neither was public shame, bravado, or begging.
The guy could easily ignore him, push past him, and there is absolutely nothing Brad — or any of us — could do about it.
Keep in mind that this confrontation didn’t happen in isolation. Gaggles of college students streamed around them, vanishing into the basement like an infinity pool of people.
What Brad did next blew me away.
The Transformation
In the middle of the packed stairwell, Brad stuck out his hand and said, “Hey, I’m Brad.”
The guy paused, sized up the situation, received the handshake, and said simply, “Derek.”
Brad didn’t waste any time. He launched into a rapid-fire sales pitch: “Derek, I’m looking for a leader. I need someone to lead these people back down into the basement. Can you do that?”
Derek nodded, “Bet.”
A moment ago, he might have shoved Brad out of the way. Now, he swung around, cupped his giant hands around his mouth, and ordered everyone back down the stairs to the basement.
The entire confrontation took less than 60 seconds. That’s how long it took for Brad to turn an angry person into his ally. I’ve spent the last 20 years reflecting on that night.
I think I know why it worked.
“Human identity is the most fragile thing that we have, and it’s often only found in moments of truth.” — Alan Rudolph
The Method Behind the Madness
I think the answer goes back nearly 70 years to a study about rats.
In the 1950s, John Hopkins professor Curt Richter conducted an experiment on rats. Essentially, he timed how long they could tread water before collapsing in exhaustion.
The first time he performed the experiment, the rats lasted 15 minutes. As soon as they gave up, lab assistants took them out of the water. Impressive, but not really life-changing.
When he performed the next test, he made a slight but significant change.
After rescuing the drowning rats, he gave them a brief period of rest before placing them back into the water. How long did they last this time? Remarkably, they lasted an average of 60 hours.
That’s nearly two and a half days.
Why the sudden surge in stamina? Richter concluded that the rats believed they would be rescued. They believed that the situation was not hopeless. They believed in their ability to survive.
The study results were published in the Psychosomatic Medicine journal.
In retrospect, the experiments were inhumane even if they did teach us an important lesson about hope and identity. What we believe about ourselves and our circumstances matters.
It mattered to rats in the 1950s and it mattered to Brad and Derek in the early 2000s at a fraternity party in rural Kentucky, USA. Instead of pushing back against Derek, Brad offered him a powerful identity as a leader.
How To Apply This Psychological Move
If you want to apply this technique to your own relationships, there are a few things you may want to consider.
After experimenting with the method for over two decades, here are my suggestions:
- Be clear about what you want
- Choose one high-level identity
- Offer the identity, don’t force it
Before a confrontation arises, know your end goal or preferred outcome. That will help you with the next tip, choosing an identity.
Avoid throwing out multiple identities that might confuse the other person. Choose one high-level identity that you think the other person wants, and that also helps you reach your goal.
For example, in the story, Brad could have said, “Don’t be jerk or a-hole,” or “Can you be a respectful guest at our party and go back downstairs?” Not being a jerk is a negative identity, but it’s an identity.
I think positive identities work best.
“The value of identity of course is that so often with it comes purpose.” — Richard Grant
I also think “chunking up” to a high-level or broad identity is often more effective than a narrower, niche identity. A respectful guest is a smaller identity, a leader of a group is a higher level identity.
Finally, don’t force the identity on the other person. When you try to force it, you might meet resistance. I’ve always gotten better results with offering the identity for the other person or persons to freely accept or reject.
I’m no longer surprised that the less I try to control others, the more influence I have with them.
Final Thoughts
The lesson I learned about relationships is that positive identity trumps negative identity every time. A simple introduction, handshake, and offer changed everything.
It’s remarkable how people often live up to our positive expectations of them.
The next time you want to influence someone, offer them hope. The next time you face a confrontation, make a connection. The next time you meet a “Derek,” offer him or her a higher identity.
