A Police Officer Explains How To Help The Victims Of Domestic Violence

When the person you love the most destroys you.

She did everything right. Mary’s husband used to beat her so severely that she knew she had to leave. If not for her but for her newborn baby.

She turned to the authorities for help. Social Services responded and found her a safe house. No one from her previous life knew where she’d gone. Although it was only a tiny apartment in London, it represented safety.

Mary needed this safety more than anything else — a sanctuary from the monster she had married who would never let her go while she was still breathing.

For months, Mary enjoyed time with her baby. London is a vast metropolis, and it’s easy to feel lonely in such a big crowd, but she made a new life. She had a job and friends. Her cuts and bruises healed, and she almost felt safe.

One day I was called to Mary’s house. As a cop, I only met people under the worst circumstances. After several days when no one heard from Mary, a social worker asked us to force entry to check on her welfare.

He’d found her.

The scene resembled an abattoir.

In the bedroom lay Mary. He had cut her throat and finished her off with a hammer. I couldn’t find an inch of the room not drenched in her blood.

In the living room lay the baby. Half strangled and left to starve to death.

In the hall, the culprit. He had taken an overdose and died in a much more tranquil way than his victims.

My task was to guard these bodies for the next 13 hours, overnight, until they could be taken away by the undertaker. I was left to ponder this scene and the underpinning desperate story.

For most of my career, I was frustrated. Most women who suffered domestic violence — and the vast majority of victims are indeed women — never left their violent partner. They would refuse to press charges, and I would have to drop the case, knowing I would see them all multiple times in the future.

In some cases, the women would turn and attack me, united with their aggressor against authority. I often wondered, “why don’t they just leave?”

Yet here, in the worst case, I had ever seen, a woman had left and done everything asked of her. It still wasn’t enough. How can women escape from the nightmare of domestic violence?

There is no end on the horizon to the issue of male-on-female violence. Whether the perpetrator is a stranger or (much more commonly) a loved one, it seems if a man is intent on killing you, he will find a way.

Nevertheless, there are things that we can all do to help protect women against this scourge. Domestic violence isn’t something that happens “behind closed doors.” It’s not something that's “none of our business.”

Domestic violence is our responsibility. It’s the single greatest cause of harm in our society — terrorism on an epic scale. We created these monsters, and we have to take action together.

What are the warning signs?

To tackle the problem, we must first understand what we are looking for. Sometimes, the victim may not even realize they are suffering domestic violence.

1. Jealousy towards friends.

If your partner is jealous of the other people you love and care about, it could be because those people could alert you to what he is doing. They could threaten him and take you away because, unlike him, they do love you.

He wants you to himself because he wants to own you. If he knows where you are, he knows you aren’t cheating behind his back — which would be understandable based on how he treats you.

They may also notice any injuries he causes you and sound the alarm.

2. Embarrassing or shaming you.

If he mocks you in front of other people, he wants to crush your self-esteem. If you hate yourself, you won’t resist him because you will feel you deserve how you are treated.

This lack of self-esteem is why many women refuse to press charges. They see themselves as deserving of the abuse. They are afraid and feel unable to rely on themselves. The abuser has made the woman feel she needs him, regardless of the number of bruises that come with that need.

3. Controlling financial decisions.

If the abuser holds the purse strings, the woman isn’t going anywhere. This is yet another layer of control and another blow to self-esteem.

The victim may have to beg for money. Imagine being dirt broke, embarrassed, beaten, and told you are no good and then tell me you have the strength to “just leave.”

4. Making you feel guilty for all relationship problems.

Everything’s the woman’s fault. That’s the psychological trick of the abuser. He is beating you only because he cares and wants to save the relationship.

Maybe you’re too careless, dumb, thoughtless, or insensitive. Perhaps he is the only one holding things together and is trying to knock some sense into you.

These are the lies that the abuser tells. He tells them so often that the victim ends up believing them. In the end, the victim resembles Oliver Twist asking, “please, sir can I have some more.”

5. Preventing you from working.

This cements the victim's status as poor, isolated, and vulnerable. The fewer people that see her, the less anyone will notice her physical and mental deterioration.

You have no skills, so you’re too stupid to work — so the lie goes.

6. Intentionally damaging your property.

The abuser has ultimate power and demonstrates this by destroying your property whenever he wants. You don’t know when it’s coming, so you live in constant anxiety.

The abuser will specifically target things that hold sentimental importance. He wants to see your pain and make you recognize his power.

7. Threatening violence against you, pets, or someone you love.

Eventually, the victim may get used to the violence against her. The abuser may lose his power if the victim is no longer afraid.

But if he threatens her loved ones and pets, that hits on a different level. Many victims feel the abuser can do whatever he wants to them, but their families don’t deserve this.

Using their pets as a bartering tool, the abuser may kill them anyway to drive that stake straight through the heart. He becomes the giver and taker of life.

8. Pressuring you to have sex.

Few women who put up with everything I have described want to have sex with their abuser. But he won’t care. To him, you’re property, and every night becomes a sick dance where you must figure out ways to keep him away from you.

Life becomes a battle of survival that the victim gradually loses because they are growing weaker every day.

Now we know the signs of domestic violence, we must urgently learn what we can all do to prevent it from happening.

1. Know the signs.

Read and remember the signs I described above. These are a generalization, and individual cases may vary. There may be no physical symptoms because domestic violence is not just physical.

A victim can be abused emotionally, verbally, and economically. There is no typical victim, and every societal level and demographic is affected.

It may look like a woman is in a loving relationship, but she might suffer in silence.

2. Call for help.

If you see a domestic violence situation spiraling out of control, call the police immediately. You’ll need to give information such as location, name, and contact numbers. Don’t intervene personally unless you are positive you won’t make things worse.

3. Listen.

If someone trusts you enough to confide in you that they’re a victim of domestic violence, listen without judgment. Tell them you believe them and ask what you can do to help.

Many people need to learn how to listen. They think it’s just about being quiet until the other person finishes speaking. In reality, “active listening” is a learned skill used by therapists and counselors worldwide.

Click here to learn how to listen.

4. Provide relief.

If you know someone suffering domestic violence, it’s not just about saving them. Sometimes, that’s not immediately possible. But you can do other kinds of things for them.

Maybe you can babysit when the abuser is out so she can rest. You could pick up her groceries.

These small acts of kindness increase the chances she will confide in you when it counts and helps build her shattered confidence.

5. Check in often.

If you fear your friend or coworker is suffering domestic violence, call or text them at least once a day at different times to check on them.

If you live nearby, keep an eye on the house and be aware of any sounds of violence.

6. Be a resource.

When the victim is ready and trusts you enough, help her find the help she needs. It might be legal information, local domestic violence groups, or a safe place such as a shelter.

Women are most at risk when leaving. Finding a safe place is crucial.

7. Document.

Write down any incidents you witness. Record the dates, times, injuries, and anything else you notice. Again, this will help with the victim’s courage and increases the chance that legal action will be successful.

8. Education.

Start educating as many people as possible about domestic violence and how to help safely. You might collaborate with your local domestic violence shelter, a women's organization, or the police.

You could give talks at local schools as this is where education is most important. We need to create a generation of men who shun violence.

9. Join groups.

There’s no better way to learn about domestic violence than by joining a group that provides help for victims.

These groups can offer insight by explaining who can be a victim of abuse and how to prevent it. You’ll gain valuable information that you can share with others.

10. Shun media that promotes sexual violence.

As consumers, we all have power. Use it to refuse to support any media that glorifies violence, particularly against women.

This includes music, movies, tv, and games. These industries take notice of one thing — their bottom line. Punish their wallets, and they’ll soon listen.

Final thoughts.

Ultimately, all this awareness and guidance is designed with one thing in mind — to get the victim away from the abuser.

The ultimate step is walking away and leaving. This is when a woman is most at risk, and my first horrific story demonstrates it isn’t foolproof.

Therefore, you shouldn’t try and leave by yourself. Involve as many agencies, resources, and people as possible. Plan how you will do it and where you’ll go.

On the day you leave, have a Police Officer help you. It’s their job to prevent a breach of the peace, and the officer will protect you.

Building the courage and opportunity to leave takes time, and you may need more time to prepare.

On a societal level, we all need to do our bit to learn about domestic violence, keep our eyes peeled for its signs, and do our best to help the victims.

Click here for resources and help for domestic violence.

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