Mental Health

A Player of The Victim Game

It’s one of the many things I’m not proud of myself.

It’s never my fault. It’s everyone else’s.

Welcome to the typical mentality of the victim game players.

You see, I grew up around the best players on the field.

My mother used to play the victim all the time. It was a behavior she developed as a child trying to survive an abusive household.

And my father is one of the top ‘players’ in the family because it earns him his father’s and siblings’ attention.

Though it took me a while, eventually, I stopped playing the game.

Characteristics of Victim Playing

There are more, but I’m only going to mention the ones I’ve personally experienced.

1. Avoid Responsibility

I always thought I was someone responsible because:

• I made sure to complete and submit every class assignment.
• I practiced all the music pieces my piano professor told me to.
• I paid the bills and rent on time.

But thinking back, though I was responsible for other aspects, I was never someone who took responsibility for my mistakes.

2. Can’t Be Assertive

As I was getting too comfortable playing the victim, it was hard for me to take control of my life. My actions and decisions were passive. And I didn’t believe that I could achieve anything. I was used to playing the victim for so long that I started to think I was one!

One day, my piano professor told me that I needed to be more active to succeed. He basically said that shutting myself in the practice room wouldn’t help with my situation.

But the first thing that came to me when he said that was — I can’t do that. I’m a nobody. I’m not from a good background. So that’s never going to happen to me.

It’s pathetic how I kept using my dysfunctional upbringing as an excuse to avoid situations that would make me feel uncomfortable.

3. Self-Pity

Ah, the most common trait among victim players. Back then, I often had these thoughts:

• My life’s tough.
• It’s always me and only me that’s suffering.
• I’m from a tainted background. That’s why the universe isn’t in my favor.

The worst thing was when I verbalized these thoughts to my friends. I dumped all these distressful feelings on them without considering how their day was.

It all began when I had my first taste of being sympathized. It was such a thrilling new sensation that I got hungry for more! I thought I was finally getting the ‘care’ I never had.

Boy, was I wrong!

Sympathy is nothing like care because it doesn’t take a whole life of sob stories to be caring. It just happens naturally from your heart.

4. Life is Never Enough

I was never grateful for anything I had. I always wanted more, and not in a healthy, ambitious kind of way. Even when good things happened to me, I always looked for flaws and focused on them to feel sorry for myself.

5. Froze And Don’t Progress

I was stuck in situations I hated many times because I froze and decided not to do anything. That’s why it took me a while to advance in life. I made myself the victim even when I no longer was.

I stayed that way because I couldn’t escape living in a broken household as a child. But that’s no longer the case as an adult. I am my own person, so I get to decide instead of staying frozen.

Why Become a Player of The Victim Game?

1. To Avoid Facing Hardships

Thinking back, I was so into the game because it got me away with tough situations. So instead of looking for solutions to my problems, I’d complain and blame the world for being unfair.

It was as easy as that.

I remember being rejected from getting a scholarship to pursue a post-graduate degree. I kept telling myself that it was the interviewers who were at fault.

Now, I’m not disregarding how rigged a system can be. But the big issue in my case was I didn’t do enough research about the scholarship.

I should’ve applied at universities partnering with the organization. Yet, I didn’t because I thought my perfect credits would make it work.

So I blamed the organization’s system for being ‘unjust’ to get away from the consequences of my mistake.

2. Self Defense Mechanism

Growing up in an abusive household and a prejudiced community of a small town really traumatized me. So playing the victim became a defense mechanism.

To most people, someone who’s playing the victim may seem overly dramatic. But looking back, I seemed to be too emotional sometimes because it was how I cope with traumatic events and avoid betrayals.

3. Afraid of Causing Mistakes

I made a lot of mistakes throughout my life. But then again, who hasn’t? Mistakes are a very human thing to do that it seems out of our nature not to make any.

And yet, I feared it the most. As a child, even the slightest minor accident that upsets my parents would get me into one heck of trouble.

As I am Asian, one might say — Isn’t that normal in an Asian household?

Well, my answer is — not to this extent.

When I was really young, I accidentally stepped on an area my mother was sweeping. She was furious that she struck me with the broom, and my back was bruised.

This was one of the many minor mishaps that would upset my parents. There were times I didn’t even know why I was hit.

Since then, I’ve feared mistakes a lot that I thought the only way to avoid them was by playing the victim.

Playing The Victim Is a Slow Losing Game

1. You’re Spreading an ‘Illness’ to Others

Playing the victim is unhealthy not just for you but everyone around you. It turns you into a toxic person that ruins other lives.

As I mentioned earlier, my mother was one of the top players. So at some point, I kept my distance because I couldn’t bear with her toxicity.

Of course, she wasn’t happy with it. So she did her few main strategies as a victim player:

• Fine, you’re right, it’s all my fault! I’m sorry, okay?
• You’re a rebellious daughter! If it weren’t for me, you wouldn’t exist on Earth!
• You have no idea what I’m going through. You’re living your life so well when I’m in a lot of pain!

Reading hurtful texts and emails from my mother affected my daily life.

Remember this — feeling miserable isn’t a free pass to make others miserable. If you actually care for them, you won’t make their life difficult.

2. Running Away Doesn’t Push The Pain Away

Yes, you can keep running and point on other people for your miseries and mistakes. But eventually, you will run out of people to point at because no one wants to stay with someone toxic. And by then, your pain will only grow fatal.

3. You’ll Never Move Forward in Life

You might feel all high and mighty at first — manipulating these people into feeling pity and protecting you. It was the ‘attention’ and ‘care’ you’ve always wanted, right?

But you’ll never progress in life by keeping up that way because this game will only paralyze you from taking up new challenges.

Quit Playing The Victim

Eventually, I stopped playing the victim game because I realized I was acting like my mother. She played the game for so many years and won almost every single time.

I hated what she did, and I didn’t want to be like her. So I retired from being a player when I was twenty-four years old.

A bit too late, isn’t it? I’ve hurt many people, including myself. But I am relieved that my mother has also finally moved on from playing the victim.

Playing this malicious game is a quick way out of unpleasant confrontations. But what’s the point of feeling secured shortly when in the long run, you’d just end up hurting others. And worse — yourself.

I know it’s a nasty feeling to face your problems and admit your mistakes. You don’t want to see yourself in that light. So you’d rather blame it on others and the universe because you believe — you can do no wrong.

But here’s the thing. As humans, you can and will be wrong at times. And you can’t run away from facing that by pointing at others and yelling at the world.

Though you may feel better, the feeling won’t last. So toughen up, and deal with your challenges head-on! Because once you go through it, you’d realize that you’re not a victim of the universe after all.

I was inspired to write this piece after reading an article by Kush Sharma. Reading it really hits home. The first thing that came to mind was — OMG, this was me! How embarrassing… You should really check it out!