A Picture is Worth a Thousand Anxious Words

Nowadays, I am a writer through and through. I write for work and I write as a hobby. But, above all that, writing has become one of the most important outlets for my anxiety and depression to be expressed. It lets me connect to my thoughts and feelings and then view them from a different angle.

Unsurprisingly, journaling wasn’t enough. I needed medication (there is no shame in that!) and a different creative outlet. Surprisingly though, I found that outlet was my cellphones camera and a few apps!

I first learned I had an anxiety disorder when I went to the hospital because I thought I was having a heart attack. I was driving along in my car, rocking out to Blondie on the radio, then BAM! — chest tightening, heart racing and couldn’t catch my breath.

Jump forward a bit, and I started going to therapy. My wonderful therapist suggested keeping a journal. Needless to say that went over like a lead balloon! Rolling my eyes I thrust my credit card in her direction and pretty much stomped off. I wasn’t a writer then and Just the thought of taking what was in my head and putting it out on paper seemed daunting. I couldn’t even verbalize what I was thinking and feeling, how the hell did she think I would be able to write it?! Insane!

I was in no position to fight this woman though, so I took her advice, bought a regular old notebook, shove some earbuds in my ears, put on some instrumental trip-hop (don’t judge) and zoned out.

Wonder of all freaking wonders, the words just flowed out!

I don’t know why I could write what I felt, but as soon as I’d try to talk about it, it would be a jumbled mess. But whatever the reason, I was and still am grateful! I learned so much about myself, and it gave me a record of where my head was at each day- some times multiple times a day.

I recently found my first journal, and re-read it, and I really saw myself in the full picture kind of way for the first time. I could see my struggle, see where my mind was at without even reading any of the words, just by looking at my penmanship I knew.

Calm: neat and legible.

Anxious: a cross between cursive and chaotic scribbles.

Still, my anxiety- even with the daily writing in a journal, was not well managed. Hell, it wasn’t even poorly managed, it was just well documented.

My anxiety is always worse in the mornings and late at night, so I started taking walks around my neighborhood at night. During the day, I would take hikes in the woods. I’d bring a drink and my phone with me- mom life kept me from fully disconnecting, but that ended up being a very good thing! I started taking pictures with my phone of things I’d see on my outings. It didn’t matter if it was nature, or someone’s lawn ornaments, if it captured my attention, my phone captured its photo.

When I would get home I would look at the pictures and play with them in an editing app until they looked like the mood I was in. I would manipulate a beautiful sunny morning into a Gothic scary looking one, a dreamy one, or however I was feeling in that moment when I captured it. I turned the pictures of the world around me into how I was viewing it through my anxiety.

The editing of the pictures, while not professional by any stretch of the imagination, engaged my brain. It distracted me; pulled me away and out of my anxious mind. I craved it; felt more centered and connected to myself when I was doing it.

I started putting them up on Instagram, not understanding at the time why I wanted to do that. I’m not much of a social media type person. Although, I have been trying to embrace using it more! I think I posted them for the same reason I journaled. If it was out of my head and on paper, the feelings didn’t feel as heavy. If I posted a picture of how I felt the world looked in that moment, it didn’t seem so dark and lonely.

I go back and look at them from time to time. It helps to remind myself how far I’ve come in owning my mental health. I haven’t posted any in quite a while, but lately I have been feeling the need to again.

I have, admittedly been slacking off on taking care of myself since the pandemic, and I’ve become anxious and depressed as a result. I’m at that place in my depression where you become irritated with yourself, but the anxiety kicks in and makes you fearful to do anything. That place where you feel trapped, either in your head, or trapped in your body. That hellish limbo where you feel everything, and you feel nothing, sometimes all at once.

So, this weekend, weather permitting I think I am going to go out, take some pictures. Try to find my balance again.

I know journaling, or taking pictures, doesn’t work for everyone. This isn’t an article claiming it does. I actually think this is more of a journal entry I’m sharing. But I do wonder how others manage their own anxiety and depression. Whether it’s through creative means, or physical exertion, if you feel like sharing, I would love to know. Who knows it might also help somebody else find something that works for them!