A Pastoral Approach to Writing

After what felt like a prolific start to the year, I hit a slump. It wasn’t that inspiration wasn’t there anymore, but rather, I had no will or desire to go to the well that I used to draw from. Looking back at how the year had started and what I arrived at by the mid-point, I can see that the low spirit that took my legs out from under me had been there the entire time. That is to say, it didn’t come all at once all of a sudden. Rather, I was carrying on as usual while ignoring it and when the hammer fell it broke the anvil.

Over the past summer I’ve had plenty of time to reflect on what it was that I wanted out of life — out of my life — and during those three months, out of work, spending a lot of time in my own company, I had the opportunity to reflect on how I’ve been going about my own Being. And the approach has been bullshit.

For years I’ve thought that willpower and discipline was what was needed to push things through, to brute force it, but it turns out that between those two above-mentioned forces, when the former ran out the latter could not be supplied. It was a sure road to nothing but burnout and frustration.

Due to these stressors, writer’s block came and paid me a visit. The bastard sat on my chest for a good few months. Any attempt to shake him off or at least move him somewhere else did not prevail for long.

Luckily, I’ve been able to keep up with therapy, and with that came the opportunity to at least bounce my personal reflections and introspection off someone far more astute than I. Along with that, I also spent a lot of my time listening to interviews of people I admire. David Milch, Penn Jillette, Sam Harris. A few others here and there. Little by little, certain notions crept in, and my mind got to working on them.

I don’t know how it came about, but there came a Monday in September when I realized that the next day would be a farewell. Much like the send off for a dead Viking king, the life I had led until then would be pushed out on a raft and set ablaze. What it would entail, I did not know.

The day came, and it was no different from any other day that I had had before. On paper it would’ve looked identical to what I had done the weeks before — modern life does not come short on offering one an endless supply of means with which to procrastinate — but my attitude was different. I didn’t have to make the day special. There was no ceremony. Instead, it was like spending a dear friend’s last day with him. It was bland, it was boring, but it was familiar and filled with gratitude for what had been.

The next day I continued feeling this optimism that things were going to be different. It wasn’t a manic emotion. I simply looked forward to the day. It’s been four weeks, and in my journal, I keep writing that I feel good. It’s written without the tint of surprise that I hear in my voice. What’s changed?

For one, I’ve divorced myself from both willpower and discipline. The whole approach was wrong. Instead, the notion I found myself taking up was pastoral. That I am here to walk with me. I have no desire to be cured, in a sense. Rather, I’m going to try and take care of myself until things are through. I will lead myself into abstract spaces and trust that I will do in them what it is I am called for in those moments.

This is where I get to writing. I’ve tried forcing stories and ideas to come instead of trusting myself to bring them forth from the subconscious. That didn’t work for me and it caused me a lot of self-directed anger and frustration. Writing isn’t something I should be forcing myself to do, especially if it’s meant to be a creative endeavor. Instead, with this new change in perspective for me, I’m viewing it as pastoral care. Writing is one more way among many in which I can take care of myself. It might be the best way for me to take care of myself, in fact. That’s the aim now. To walk with myself through the valley and be my own shepherd. It’s still early days for this idea to prove itself out, but I am hopeful, and I am optimistic that it will lead to a more rewarding time spent writing, and with that being said, I believe a more open mind and self will allow for better writing to flow forth.