avatarKittie Velour

Summary

"A Parody: What We Do in the Cellar — A Vampire Tells All" is a satirical tale by Kittie Velour that humorously explores the dark and twisted activities of vampires in their cellar, including a eunuch's mishaps with gender reassignment, an orgy on a Twister sheet, and a final, fatal encounter with a vampire.

Abstract

The narrative titled "A Parody: What We Do in the Cellar — A Vampire Tells All" by Kittie Velour is a darkly comedic and parodic take on vampire lore, inviting readers into the clandestine world of vampires. It details the absurd and macabre events in a vampire's cellar, where human anatomy is playfully rearranged by a clumsy eunuch, resulting in comical transformations. The story unfolds with a series of bizarre and sexually charged escapades, culminating in a playful yet deadly encounter between a vampire and her human plaything. The tale is punctuated by a self-aware and whimsical tone, as it satirizes the often romanticized portrayal of vampires, instead presenting them as creatures of depraved and humorous debauchery.

Opinions

  • The author playfully mocks the traditional, romanticized image of vampires by portraying them as participants in absurd and comically grotesque activities.
  • The story suggests a humorous critique of gender norms and roles through the eunuch's botched attempts at gender reassignment.
  • There is an underlying satire on the nature of power and control, as the vampires orchestrate and manipulate the humans in their cellar for their own amusement.
  • The narrative pokes fun at the often eroticized representation of vampires, exaggerating their sexual escapades to the point of parody.
  • The vampire's commentary throughout the story implies a tongue-in-cheek appreciation for the darker, more perverse aspects of vampire mythology.
  • The final moments of the human character serve as a darkly humorous reminder of the fatal consequences of interacting with vampires, while also emphasizing the story's parodic nature.
Photo by Johannes Giez on Unsplash

Micro Monday, Cellar Prompt Story

A Parody: What We Do in the Cellar — A Vampire Tells All

When the shadows aren’t enough to hide your depravity

Vy do I like ze cellar? You haff no idea. Dahlink, take my hand and come. Come into ze cellar.

Watch out! Our eunuch is trained to take ze balls off a man, and attach them to the next voman to entar. The bastaird is a klutz vith a needle. One voman had the balls of a man sewed onto her chest, like . . . how you say? . . . pom poms.

Now we keep hir as a cheerleader for all ze sexual escapades that happen here.

Oh look, he’s sleeping. Good. You may keep your balls.

Turn your attention to, please, the leettle man vith ze big penass. Mmm. I vill vait here vile you get entered upon. Very good. Ooh! Ve vill haff fun vith you later.

Oh, chin up, leetle man. Zat von’t be the only vay you are violated tonight. Not eef I haff anything to say about it.

And zere! Vun off our best Vampiresses goes down on you, now zat you are spent. How it teeckles! Hold steel. Very steel. You don’t vant her to puncture you. Not yet.

And now, zee orgy. Ve do it on a Tvister sheet. Red dot, hand! Blue dot, bum! Yellow dot, leg! Yesss. Very nice.

Allow this small horde to play vith you, vile you contort. Beautiful.

Harder, you fiends! Faster, slaves! Beat the ever living crap out of heem.

No! Three of you to hees mouth, and you four, take the lower haff.

Vat do you mean, you cannot breathe? Oh very vell, avay, vixens!

Such a delicate flower you ahr. Ooh, poor baby? Does it hurt? Bad?! Good, good.

Okee, let us proceed now to your final moment on Earth. Lie down here. No, I said, lie down here. Hahaha. You mortals are so suggestable. I could eat you up.

Don’t mind eef I do!

Goodbye, plaything. You give yourself to be delicious. Vat else could a man vish for?

If you enjoyed this tale by Kittie Velour, visit her profile to find other stories by her under “lists.” Thank you!

Another story from Kittie

This was written for the latest Tantalizing Prompt

Cellar
Vampires
Fiction
Microfiction
Humour
Recommended from ReadMedium
avatarSamantha-Kun
I Slept With All Kinds Of Men For 3 Years

And that's what I learned about them

4 min read
avatarJennifer Hartmann
The Question That Ended My Marriage

In a rare moment of vulnerability, I asked my husband this question, and knew I’d just empowered us to divorce.

6 min read
avatarMocha Moma
Black Men Having Sex with White Women

The Feedback Has Been Interesting — I Don’t Like It

7 min read
avatarSherry McGuinn
WTF Is Wrong With Women Today?

On stumbling across the meat market subreddit, Rateme

6 min read
avatarKris Gage
How to *really* know you’re in love

Because most of “the signs” they tell you are garbage

4 min read
avatarMay More
Priest Reveals Unthinkable Truth When Trapped in Elevator

I was glad he hadn’t shared all the details with me regarding what was wrong with the lift.

3 min read