A Non-Eulogy for My Mother

Summary

Naomi, the author, reflects on the complex relationship with her estranged mother who passed away, expressing a mix of detachment, relief, and acknowledgment of her mother's positive transformation in her final years.

Abstract

In "A Non-Eulogy for My Mother," Naomi grapples with the news of her mother's death after 25 years of estrangement due to a decision made by her mother and Naomi's subsequent choice to maintain that distance. Despite the years apart, Naomi harbors no animosity and feels a general sadness tempered with relief that her mother's suffering has ended. She credits her upbringing to her grandmother and aunts, attributing little of her own goodness to her mother. However, Naomi is heartened to learn that her mother found solace, sobriety, and community in her later years at the First Baptist Church of Port Angeles. While acknowledging that her mother's best years were not shared with her, Naomi expresses gratitude for those who supported her mother and finds comfort in knowing her mother was not alone at the end of her life.

Opinions

Naomi has complex feelings about her mother's death, primarily sadness for her sister and a global sense of loss rather than personal grief.
She feels relief, not just for herself but also for her mother, who had struggled with physical and mental health issues.
Naomi believes that her positive qualities are largely due to the influence of her grandmother and aunts, rather than her mother.
She acknowledges that her mother had a positive impact on the church community in her final years and is grateful for their support.
Naomi respects the church's perception of her mother, despite it not aligning with her own experiences.
She hopes that her mother has found peace after a life of struggle and that her mother can rest easy knowing that Naomi and her sister have managed to do well for themselves.

A Non-Eulogy for My Mother

Wasn’t sure if I wanted to say anything or not, but I also know when we share our truth, we honor ourselves and our families no matter how uncomfortable some of that truth may be.

I recently found out that my mother died about two weeks ago- that alone should tell you something.

If you know me, you’d know I don’t really speak about my mother unless directly asked, and if you know me better, I may have shared poetry and writings about her with you, as my own way of processing my experiences with her.

The fact of the matter is, I’m nearly 40 years old and haven’t seen or spoken to this woman in over 25 years. This was a result of a decision she made and later, my choice to make that boundary permanent. Of all the choices 15-year-old Naomi made on behalf of all her future selves, I am certain this was one of the few I would not go back and change.

To be very honest, when I found out that she had died, I didn’t feel much of anything. Or at least what I felt was a drastic difference from what I experienced when my Grandmother passed away a few months ago. My beautiful Grandmother, who played a key role in raising me along with my Aunts Ginny and Cathy- were the mothers I had. Susie was, like it or not, someone else. Whatever good is to be found in me, I think is more from the imprint of these three women than whatever my mother may have passed down.

What I felt from my mother’s passing was a general “global” sadness, the way you might feel from learning that anyone had died or suffered, along with sadness for my sister who had a slightly different though an equally complicated relationship with her. Layered under that was relief, not solely for myself but for her as well, in knowing she was no longer physically or mentally suffering. Regardless of what our dynamic was, regardless of whatever many have incorrectly assumed that I felt toward my mother, I did hold sympathy for her, and I wished no ill toward her either.

My sister was able to get in contact with the church our mother had been a member of for the last handful of years. Not only have they confirmed that she was clean and sober throughout the last couple of years of her life, but she was an active, valued, and beloved member of their community.

For me, there is a bittersweetness in knowing these people got to see her at her best, and I will not take away from their own memories by saying she wasn’t who they said she was, it’s just not a version of her that I ever knew, and it’s ok. Humans are complicated and both versions of her can exist. At the very least I’m happy to know she found a place to shine, that she finally found purpose and belonging, and that she was not as alone in her last days as I had initially thought. To the First Baptist Church of Port Angeles, thank you for shepherding this lost lamb, and bringing her into your flock. Thank you for being an example of what true Christian service is.

There’s not much else I can or want to say on this, but I truly hope that Susie has found the peace that seemed to elude her during the majority of her time here on Earth. I hope that if she ever did worry about my sister and me, she can rest assured knowing that, all things considered, we turned out alright.