A New Year’s Resolution for Marketers: We’re All Surveyed Out. Leave Us the F Alone!

“Hey Martin, how did you like your Staples rubber bands?”

“How was your HP ink cartridge?”

“Did your Spectrum technical services representative resolve your problem?”

“Could you please rate your Amazon delivery?”

What on earth do these people expect?

“Dear Staples, my rubber bands exceeded expectations! Not too tight, not too loose, just right! They held my Christmas cards together perfectly until I got them to the Post Office!”

“Dear Spectrum, your technical services representative was outstanding in solving a problem that I have now had for the 97th time and never should have had from a reliable cable company in the first place!”

Take a tip, marketers: No news is good news. If you don’t hear from me, that’s a good thing. It means I’m satisfied. If I’m not, that’ll be me on the line, screaming at the top of my lungs that you f’ed up! Oh, what’s that you say? “This call may be recorded for quality and training purposes”? Good, put THIS in your tape recorder!

How can an entire enterprise — the ubiquitous field of marketing — whose reason for being is to understand and “delight” customers — be so dense? How can they think we customers have no limits when it comes to filling out inane surveys about utterly mundane transactions that should pass without a moment’s reflection, analysis or evaluation?

I have happily completed exactly one customer satisfaction survey in the last two years, for the manager of my local Walgreens. He has gone way, way beyond the call of duty. For example, he’s walked several blocks to personally pick me up an item from another Walgreens; ordered me out-of-stock items and texted me when they came in; squeezed me and my wife in on the spot for covid shots and boosters instead of putting us through the hassle of online scheduling. You give me that kind of customer service and I’ll go out of my way, gladly, to recognize it, report it to management and applaud it.

But bother me about buying a plastic plant watering bottle online or a pack of pandemic face masks? Uh-uh. Not gonna do it. I’m all surveyed out.

Take a hint, marketers. Nix the surveys. Your customers will be delighted.