A new mom’s conversation with God

Hey, God. Me again.

I feel like you’ve been hearing from me a lot more frequently lately. I hope that’s okay.

If I’m being honest with you and myself, I’m not sure I deserve this.

The big M. Motherhood.

I am so scared. Scared of disappointing you, scared of disappointing my husband, scared I’ll ultimately disappoint my son.

Shouldn’t this very big job of being a mom be reserved for those less afraid?

While he’s still developing, how do I know that everything is okay? What if I don’t know when something is wrong? This is my first time being pregnant after all. When do the motherly instincts take over? Do they kick in once he’s born? Is there a timeline that I can expect?

I’m afraid I’ll mess something up. Please help me be a little kinder to myself. You know I struggle with this.

There’s just so much I don’t know. I keep telling people who ask my preference on X or my thoughts about Y- “I just don’t know what I don’t know.” Does that make me a bad mom before he’s even in my arms? I just don’t think I’ll know some things, most things, until I’m in the moment. Please help me to not miss your advice in those moments.

If I’m being honest with you and myself, I feel a little lost. I’m not good at feeling lost. It’s just not a natural state for me. I usually have a clear path for myself. But you already know this.

How do I know if I’m making the right decisions? What if I’m not a ‘natural’? What if I’m not as good at motherhood as what’s expected of me? Or worse- what if I’m not as good as he needs me to be?

I can’t answer any of these questions. It’s almost disorienting.

I feel like I’m going through the motions right now. And none of it seems very defined or certain. Things are just happening to me. I feel like a bystander to my own life.

I like to think I’ve done all I can do to prepare for him. But now as I get closer to giving birth- I wonder if I have? Am I on the right path, have I been on the right path, to give him everything I’ve always wanted for him? You and I both know I’ve created this vision for him. You and I both know he deserves that. And so much more. Please help me see a little clearer.

If I’m being honest with you and myself, since we found out we’re pregnant, I oddly feel calm. Like I’m scared and disoriented and I’m not deserving, but yet…I’m calm... and all these thoughts and emotions are totally contradicting. Someone who is both so afraid and so lost should not feel this at ease. But yet somehow, here I am feeling totally and weirdly calm.

Is that you? I think it must be you.

This is all so new. The extreme happiness, worry, joy, fear- they’re all kind of mixing together and it’s overwhelming. And then, because I’m me, comes the overanalyzing of every emotion. It can be exhausting at times. And yet, I oddly feel at peace. None of it makes sense to me. None of this is familiar. I can’t figure it out.

This calm has to be your doing. Thank you.

If I’m being honest with you and myself, there isn’t anything I want more.

I want to thank you for choosing me to take on this massive responsibility of raising a child. And not just choosing me to be a mom, but to be his mom. I’m so curious what kind of little person he’ll be. All these questions that I have about him are all consuming. What is he going to like? What will he dislike? What about his personality? Will he have his dad’s mind? Will he feel loved? Will he be kind? Will he know we’ll always be there for him? Thinking about him pretty much takes up my entire day. But you already know that.

I can’t wait to meet him. Just the thought of him brings such immense joy. I have loved him my whole life.

Through it all, I find comfort in knowing you’ve picked Zac and I to raise him. We’ll try our best. We really will. But you already know that.

So, God, that’s what I’m feeling. I’m going to need you so much through all of this. Like I always have, but in a deeper way. A more meaningful one. And I’ll do my best to keep you in the loop, and to always look to you for advice. But you already know that.

Okay. Talk soon.