Fiction | Mashups

A Mysterious Meal of Mushrooms

A fantasy short story

This story is a response to Jonathon Sawyer’s Monday Mashup, number 29. Check it out, and have a go!

He had certainly deserved it, Bartlett told himself. He’d eaten Lady Sapphire’s chocolates one time too many.

Besides, he’d always been out of her league — a mere soldier, while her family was near-royalty…

All the same, when it came, the break-up had been harsh and humiliating. And Lady Sapphire’s rapid departure by carriage now left Bartlett with over two miles back to town.

On foot.

And in the rain.

So, when a mysterious elder hailed him from a cottage at the roadside, he paused, wondering if he could perhaps borrow a coat.

She was a foul-looking creature. A hag, and probably a witch to boot. She had greasy blonde locks — a wig covering a bald head, most likely. And were those horns…?

“I said,” she repeated with a grin, “would you care for some tea?”

“I… gotta get going. The coronation is tomorrow. My master needs me — I lead the Prince’s Archers, you see. Can’t be late.”

She opened the wooden gate at the front of her property, an eyebrow arched. “Just some tea, young archer. And a bite, o’ course. Ain’t no mushrooms quite like the ones I gather.”

Bartlett hesitated. He was already soaked through. A break and some food did sound wonderful…

“My mushroom stew is so good,” added the hag, smiling archly. “Transformative!”

Well, what harm, Bartlett thought to himself. A belly full of stew is just the thing to avoid getting chilled on my way. Besides, it would be best not to see Lady Sapphire again too soon…

Soon, Bartlett was tucking into a peculiar but delicious feast.

Bartlett awoke. There was an unpleasant smell from somewhere, and as his eyes slowly focused, he realized that it was…

A goblin’s armpit!

“Aughch!”

Bartlett scrambled to his feet, rubbing furiously at his face to remove any trace of goblin sweat. It was dawn, he could see as he stood. Hours had somehow passed, and he was in a makeshift camp, a dirty blanket beneath him and three drowsy goblins close by.

”What happened?” he demanded, “and who are you?”

The other three goblins stirred and stood up, looking confused. “Don’ be so stoopid, Chief,” said one, a very muscular goblin. “We your warriors.”

“Yeah, Roxx is right. Don’ be stoopid, Chief,” said another, a lanky and warty goblin standing near where a stream ran between two boulders. “Come. We gotta kill that dumb human prince, ‘member?”

As he looked at the group who apparently saw him as leader, Bartlett suddenly noticed… they were the same height as him.

With a horrible realization, he remembered the cackling hag and the mysterious meal. He raced over to the stream to see his reflection in the rippling water.

A goblin’s foul face stared back. He had become a goblin!

Was this permanent? His alarm rising further, he spun to face them, the last statement running through his head.

Kill the prince?

“What prince? Remind me!” His voice came out high-pitched and whiny, but he could at least speak in full sentences.

The muscular goblin named Roxx approached, a sneering expression on his face. “You drink too much ale, Chief? We killin’ da human one, Prince Ogg-a-tavus.”

“We paid to shoot him near Robe-ick Inn,” added the lanky goblin helpfully.

Bartlett now quickly made sense of what had happened. Clearly, the hag wanted his master, Prince Octavius, killed while greeting the country folk after his coronation. He had been transformed into a goblin to join the group, no doubt because of his masterful shooting.

But somehow, Bartlett had regained his senses. And it was time for revenge.

“Pass me a bow,” he said coldly.

“Go on, Kelo,” said the lanky goblin, kicking at the fourth member of the group, a blue-faced goblin.

You do it, Norja!” snarled the blue goblin, baring his teeth at the lanky one.

Grumbling, Norja walked over to a wooden chest and removed a shortbow and a fistful of arrows. “What you wan’ this for now, Chief? We’s needin’ to get to the inn first.”

“Call me Bartlett from now on,” Bartlett demanded as he took the bow. “And now, watch my shooting skills. My mark is that willow tree.” He weighed the poor-quality arrow, then fired it towards the willow, fifty feet away. The arrow slammed directly into the trunk.

“Ahh! Great hit!” cried the blue-faced goblin, Kelo.

“You’s practisin’ long time,” chimed in Norja.

“We killing that prince for sure,” growled Roxx.

As they spoke, Bartlett was stepping towards the wooden chest, the bow raised and all three goblins in his sights. I should kill them all now, he said to himself. Goblins and assassins — they deserve to die.

But then again, he pondered… wouldn’t it be more use to play along? Discover more about the plan?

Or… he could push for information. Find out what the hag was plotting, what her goal was.

Right. That was the way.

“Before we head for Roebuck Inn, remind me — who hired us?”

“Wot?” said Kelo.

Bartlett narrowed his eyes — he needed to talk on their level. “My memory isn’t working, see,” he said, pointing to his temple. “Brain fog. Who’s paying us?”

“Great lady, o’ course!” said Roxx, sniggering.

“Gives us silver,” slurped Norja.

“Right,” said Bartlett, feeling vindicated. “Yes. Great lady. Magical lady, huh? Works alone, or….?”

“I know!” chirped Kelo. “Workin’ for her family.”

“Huh?” Bartlett responded.

“Yeah,” growled Roxx. “Lady Sapper gonna get richer when her father become prince.”

“Lady Sapp…” Bartlett frowned, trying to understand, then fell silent in shock.

His ex was a traitor.

“Lady Sapphire paid you…” he mumbled.

The implication, he saw, was that the hag had actually helped him — and the prince, too.

Deliberately? That was in question. But the treachery of his former lover wasn’t in doubt.

“Lady Sapper really rich!” said Kelo gleefully.

Bartlett smiled coldly. “Clearly they should be relieved of that wealth. But first…” He swung the bow over his goblin-sized shoulder. “New plan. Time for you to meet a hag with transformational mushrooms.”

I hope you enjoyed this story! Okay, time for the writing prompts tally…

Main prompt:

Your character wakes up in another world (Well – sort of... He enters the world of goblins. Hopefully that counts. If so, 2 points).

Constraints:

A golden hairpiece (on the hag – 1 point)
A loyal servant (the MC – 1 point)
Somebody betrays your hero! (Lady Sap - 1 point)
A creative meal nobody has made before (the stew – 1 point)
This box (1 point).

Hardcore constraint:

A royal coronation/an assassination attempt (a bit of both, 2 pts either way).

Lit device:

An internal monologue where the main character has an argument with themselves (as he decides whether to kill the goblins - 5 pts).

TOTAL: 14 points

I hereby challenge Mojave Green, Cathylouise and J.C. Lovero to have a go. Their stories are always an inspiration, and the ones below especially appropriate!