A Man’s Survival Guide While the Wife is Away
An ode to Mother’s Day 2023
Dear men,
When that special lady decided to marry you and bear your offspring, she saw a handsome, strong and capable man, otherwise she would not have said yes. When it comes to being on our own for long periods of time, sometimes that reputation can suffer slightly and some of that stud veneer can wear off…well no longer! This guide has been created to help you men deal with one of the hardest things ever — being on your own for an entire week with your kids.
I know, don’t panic! Just read this and before you know it you will have conquered this impossible task and once again have that spring in your step, swagger in your walk and that confident (yet idiotic) gaze just like the Rock. Recently my wife went away for a week so I had to use this guide so I know it works. Let’s get started on becoming a completely independent man who can dominate this task!
1. Learn to text. First of all you need to sever all ties with her while she’s gone. And by sever all ties I mean all except texting constantly. Buy your woman an unlimited texting plan (and make sure she knows how special that is — not every woman gets unlimited texting. Tell her it’s like unlimited love, she’ll understand that hopefully.) That way when you need a critical question answered, just text! Simple. Like “where do we actually keep the kid’s clothes that they wear?” But that’s too obvious — always preface a text with a love statement or include a smiley face…like “Hi snugglebum, does the dog actually need to be fed every single day and does cat vomit come out of the bed spread? :)” That way she’ll feel a glowing warmth for you when that text arrives at 2AM to wake her up.
2. Food — You know that dinner that arrives on your table each night? Brace yourself…someone has to actually make that! I know. But this is easy. Spaghetti is your friend. Get six bags of pasta (one for each day) and six bottles of spaghetti sauce (one for each day). Make all of this up on the first day in the biggest pot you have (and don’t let it boil for two hours where all the water dries up, smoke fills the house and the fire department comes out. Avoid that one.) Put it in as many containers as you can find (just text if you don’t know where they are) and put it in the fridge — and serve this every day for dinner cold. Boom! Done. If the kids say things like “why spaghetti again? Mine is cold…” (kids can be SO picky!) then just cover the top layer in cheese and call it “Dad’s super special surprise lasagna”…they will be so surprised when they bite into the lasagna and it tastes like spaghetti. (Also Dominos has 2 large pizzas for $10…cheaper than shopping for actual food — why isn’t mom smart enough to find deals like that?…sometimes it takes a man…pff!)
3. Laundry — Easy. Before your wife leaves just ask her to show you how to work the washer and dryer with some actual clothes. Sneakily pick out the clothes you and the kids will need that week for her demonstration and watch her wash them for you. All done! In the event that you run out of clothes during the week, turn the least smelly ones inside out and wear them again and cycle your clothes to different parts of your kid’s bodies. It’s the latest fashion to have the tags showing and inside out, so they’ll actually be trendy. (Just don’t put the underwear on the outside of your kid’s jeans, that hasn’t caught on yet I found out…)
4. School — Find out where your kids go to school. Either use Google maps or a text message. Be sneaky and call the school pretending to be a prospective parent looking for a good school. Ask about when school starts and when it lets out. Ask where the bus picks kids up and drops them off. Lastly ask what happens if you forget to pick them up after school for three hours while you make spaghetti.
5. Dishes — Super easy. Buy paper plates and cups and use them only. So no dishes get used, glue the doors to the cupboards closed and put a sign up that says “warning, rat running lose, do not open” (only works for girls, boys will actually pry open the cupboard with excitement). Leave all the pots and pans used to cook the spaghetti in the sink. Stack them so it doesn’t look like there are that many. Now here is the key part when she comes home: find some mascara and put it UNDER your eyes (like heavy bags under your eyes), mess up your hair, stoop your shoulders, slur your speech, roll your sleeves up, walk like a zombie from the Walking Dead. When she walks in and sees the pots say slowly “I was just about to get to these but was up all night bonding and talking about matters of the heart with (insert the name of a child that never talks)”. If done correctly she will say “oh sweetie, don’t worry that was way more important, you go sit down, I’ll clean these for you”…bingo! Have a seat man! Turn on the TV and ask her to bring you a beer…well done.
6. Snacks — A great thing to do for the kids is buy them snacks and food they don’t normally get when mom is around. Things like Nestle Quick and toaster waffles. The message here is “dad is fun, mom is grumpy and restrictive”. It promotes great connections with the father (so needed today in our society). But don’t call the toaster waffles “toaster waffles”, call them “bonding moments” and make sure the kids use that term only. That way when she comes back home you can say in front of her “Hey kids! How about all those bonding moments we had while mom was gone?!” And they’ll scream and jump around and say how they were the best things ever!! And at this point she’ll look at you with a smile, tilt her head and with those doe eyes say “I wouldn’t mind if you sired more of these youngens with me mister sexypants”. Boom! Victory…you have not only survived the week, but your stud veneer is now three coats deep…
So in conclusion, what I’ve concluded about this all (I am male and not very good at communication) is you stinkin better make her Mother’s Day super special today because she deserves it :)
