A Man Told Me I Should Lower My Standards If I Want to Date

This is my response.

Sometimes, I will pose a question in an essay and then proceed to explain how I came to my answer. It’s not my typical writing style, but it happens. Recently, I asked, Is It Time to Lower My Dating Expectations or to Just Stop Dating? What follows the question is an article about the process of dating, not the type of people I’m dating. But that didn’t stop men from jumping into the comments section to tell me I needed to lower my standards and stop being so superficial.

I can’t speak for someone else, but I don’t want anyone dating me who thinks I’m ugly but has a good personality. I would hope that anyone who dates me finds me attractive. Yet, I see this suggestion from men all the time. Women are expected to date someone they aren’t attracted to because that person is likely to treat them well. The double standard is obvious because men aren’t dating unattractive women because they’ll be treated well.

It’s not just a double standard. It’s patently false. In my experience, when people date less attractive partners, they tend to be treated worse. Instead of the man building up his partner and being thankful to have her, he tries to bring down her self-esteem in hopes that she won’t leave him. I’ve seen it time and time again. Men who think their partner could do better don’t always treat them better as a result. Their insecurity can become an ugly thing inside the relationship.

I once had a partner who refused to give me compliments because it might “give me a big head.” Apparently, the worst thing I could have — according to him — was self-esteem. He saw taking pride in one’s personal appearance as being vain and having an inflated ego. He went out of his way to never extend compliments because his insecurity was a vast and ugly thing he chose not to address. The fact that the mismatch in levels of attractiveness might have been all in his head didn’t make a difference. He felt it, and he responded by doing what he could to make me feel worse, not better.

It’s normal to want to date someone we feel attracted to and who shares our values. Yet, single women are often attacked as being superficial simply because we’re single. The assumption made is that we’re not giving the average guy a chance because we’re holding out for an underwear model. Yet, this assumption is rarely based in reality — especially as I received this advice on an article that never even addressed the type I date at all.

This is incel logic. There’s an undercurrent of anger in responses like these that suggest single women are in the wrong for having standards — even when the standard is honesty and having a modicum of personal integrity.

Why Women Choose to Stay Single

It’s not the first time I’ve been told to lower my standards by a strange man on the Internet — and it’s unlikely to be the last. Single women are being blamed for men’s loneliness when a better explanation might be to look at men’s behavior. This is where I’ll pause and give men time to start typing, “Not all men ….”

There are good reasons why many women choose to stay single. I don’t have time to enumerate them all, but I can focus on a few of them.

First, we have more options now.

We aren’t financially, emotionally, or otherwise dependent on men for our basic survival. We have jobs, hobbies, interests, friends, and a life. That freedom doesn’t leave us dependent on relationships to support us, and since most hetero-relationships tend to be largely in favor of men, many women are opting out of the inequality and enjoying a single life.

I’ve been married, and I’ve been single. I’d rather be alone than be with a partner and feel alone. Moreover, I have no interest in (a) being in a codependent relationship or (b) being the primary caregiver for a fully grown human being who hasn’t learned the necessary life skills for survival. It’s not unrealistic to want a partner at the same level of functioning and maturity.

Many women also stay single because dating isn’t what we hoped.

We might try online dating or dating apps in hopes of having a good conversation followed by meeting for a drink or dinner, but instead, we often encounter all the signs of hookup culture followed by Ghosting, Breadcrumbing, and even Orbiting. Honesty is a hot commodity that’s not always available, and effective communication is the exception rather than the rule. We want dating to at least attempt to be fun, but it’s often tedious when it’s not downright scary.

With an array of choices before them, many men engage in behaviors they might not otherwise — including expecting women to entertain them, treating matches by their order of preference rather than treating them like human beings, and many other unfavorable behaviors. Women do it, too. But what women aren’t doing, generally speaking, is telling men to lower their standards and date someone they find unattractive. Instead, many of us are suggesting that men observe common courtesy.

• If someone makes a date, they should show up for it.
• Nude photos shouldn’t be sent without express consent.
• No means no.
• Finding someone attractive doesn’t make sexual harassment acceptable.
• Honesty is always the best policy.
• Clear communication is recommended and can even reduce dating anxiety.

None of these suggestions ask men to settle for less than they want. All of them suggest that women are human beings who should be treated like it. Frankly, these rules should apply to any gender.

Women are living full, happy lives single.

I read somewhere that men are happier married while women are happier single, and I can see why. In many cases, marriages and other long-term domestic partnerships are unequal. Many women are choosing to stay single because we have plenty of things that keep us busy and make our lives whole without adding a partner to the mix. At the same time, I’ve found that some men on online dating apps don’t even have hobbies. They’re bringing nothing to the table and yet expect women to be grateful and enthusiastic about dating them.

I’ve learned how to create a happy life without a partner. I don’t need a partner to make me feel whole. Yet, there’s an entire subsection of dating where men are looking for completion. They only feel validated with a partner. While I know there are also women who date this way, those women aren’t usually giving unsolicited advice to men to lower their standards and settle.

A man I don’t know tells me to lower my standards, and I don’t listen. Maybe it’s because I don’t care about this stranger’s unsolicited opinion, or maybe it’s because I know that my standards are reasonable already, as are my expectations for dating. Had he read the article in question, he might have learned that I take issue with the lack of structured dating, not the available partners.

But it was much quicker and easier to assume that I’m just another woman refusing to date anyone but the player gym bros who are, obviously, way out of my league. It’s the obvious conclusion because any other conclusion would require introspection and, perhaps, changed behavior. At the very least, it might require holding other men accountable.