Thank you | Gratitude

A Mama Bear’s Day to Herself

Transitioning from once “what was” to now “what is”

Over the last few weeks, anxiety has been following me around like a lost bear cub, as I worry about my sons’ transition physically back to school. Over the past one and half years, they have schooled virtually, along with my husband and me working from home.

I’m thankful we all could be at home, but like everyone else, our mental health suffered.

My oldest was not only returning to school but starting high school as a freshman. He was once the type of kid that never worried about making friends, as he was friends with everyone. The week before school began, I overheard him tell a friend who stopped by our home, “I don’t know how to be around people.”

This mama bear’s heart broke.

The morning after they left for school, I sat alone in the living room, next to my cat, feeling a shift in my thoughts. With my husband back to work, I’m working from home alone (okay with Mr. Percy who sleeps most of the day away).

Don’t get me wrong, a part of me was excited to have peace-filled, uninterrupted time.

“Yes, let’s go!” as my boys would say.

But that has to do with working. My work and home are intertwined. It’s been that way for years, working around my children’s schedule. It’s the way I’ve wanted it.

Through this pandemic, I realized I need time for myself. Not related to working and writing. The other part of me.

When I saw Trista Signe Ainsworth’s post come through titled, “A Day just for You,” I had to read it right away. The first line hit in my heart, “Last Friday, I took a day for myself.” Yes, that’s what I need. A day for myself!

What do I do? What does a day for me look like?

The first image that popped into my head? The zoo. Yes, the zoo. Nature. Walking paths.

I live near the Minnesota Zoo where I’ve always wanted to walk by myself, with my camera.

So that is what I did.

I slipped on my purple walking shoes and workout clothing and headed to the zoo. As I was walking through the front gates, I realized I’ve never been here alone.

I arrived early, hardly anyone around since most kids were back in school and timed tickets were still required because of Covid. No one was on this path that I’ve walked many times before, dodging strollers and kids running in circles.

The path was empty and all mine.

I held my phone to snap photos while walking, not always slowing down to take the picture, not caring if the image was blurry.

I didn’t have to adjust my pace as we often do when walking with other people, my steps were faster like I was walking on the clouds. Since I was alone, I could stop and look at an animal for as long as I wanted and if I wanted to take 20 pictures, I could. No one telling me, “hurry up” as they rushed to the next thing.

But thoughts of “what was” invaded my thoughts, seeing young moms trying to calm their toddlers down with a promised treat of ice cream.

I was once her. I miss my babies at that age.

As I walked past the monkeys, memories flooded my mind, and my heart remembering when both boys fit in a double stroller. When I picked out their clothes and handed them their healthy snacks. Thinking back to the excitement of meeting up with a friend with kids the same age, so we could vent about our kids and watch them exhaust themselves out at the zoo park.

I kept walking, trying to stay in “the now.” As I was trying to pick up the pace again, I saw leaves scattered on the path like confetti.

I saw two hearts.

My pace broke as I took a picture.

I looked back up, letting myself stop to take photos of the lake and tree reflections in the water. Water. Solitude.

With a tear in my eye and a smile on my face, I realized I was happy right here, right now.

We are all in transition, at different moments in our lives, and it’s okay to feel sadness and joy as we walk into new stages of life. I’m thankful to feel the drops of sadness over once “what was” because that means I experienced incredible moments of being a mom in the first place. But I can’t allow myself to settle in the sadness, because I don’t want to miss any moments “in the now.”

“Mindfulness isn’t difficult. We just need to remember to do it.” — Sharon Salzberg

@2021 Ellie Jacobson

Inspiration

Thank you Trista Signe Ainsworth for your words of inspiration, at just the right moment. I appreciate you and the work you do here in this space of positivity and gratitude.