THE FULL MONTY

A Madcap Fact About Penises You Probably Don’t Have Under Your Cap

Not all caps are mad

Did you know a circumcised penis, and an uncircumcised one under its hoody, looks like it’s wearing a fireman’s helmet? No? Check out any penis you have consensual access to, or right by ownership, and you’ll see what I mean.

Do it now. I’ll wait.

See? The top of the penis dips down in the back, or the front if you’re looking down on the one you own. The front that others see when it’s erect, with the frenulum, curves up from both sides to a point before rounding out to the top of the firemen’s helmet.

If you’re a penis owner, perhaps you’ve never seen this aspect of your penis except upside down, unless you’ve taken photos in order to send unsolicited dick pics. Which, by the way, if you have, stop doing that right now.

If you aren’t accustomed to a full frontal view of your erect penis, I assure you that, as someone who has seen them from that viewpoint, it looks like the front of a firemen’s helmet above the frenulum.

You will never be able to look at a penis the same again. Ah, the metaphors. Putting out fires, rushing into burning entrances, effluvial spraying from a stiff hose. It’s mind, or helmet, boggling.

Other helmets resemble penises as well, or vice versa.

Is it possible knights fashioned their helmets to advertise their penises? Was this the precursor to massive pick-up trucks and penis shaped sports cars? The helmet pictured definitely shouts, “Here I come, ready or not.”

Rescuing damsels in distress was obviously a metaphor for putting out hot, internal fires. Maybe that’s why knights were so effective against fire breathing dragons. They had practice.

Then there are hard hats. The name says it all. This one even has a cute little tip that resembles the part of the condom that remains sticking up at the top to catch the sperm. How phallic is that?

People wear hard hats to do heavy labor and to enter into dangerous zones. There are definitely sexual situations where both hardness and protection are needed.

The hard hat in this photo looks like a fireman’s helmet on backwards, and therefore like the head of a penis. Note the dip in the front which would be the back of a fireman’s helmet, and the confluence at the back that would be the front. Actually, this looks more like the view the penis owner has of his penis, so it’s better than a fireman’s helmet for the sake of this illustrative argument.

Now this guy is just trying too hard. While the girth of the rounded head of the storm trooper helmet representing the penis would make some recipients happy, for others it’s daunting. But I digress.

This helmet has it all. The curve up that represents the area above the frenulum. The suggestion of testicles. The perspective is off, but I know you see it. Plus, storm troopers are the bad boys. The strong silent types. Their penis-like helmets cover their entire faces. That’s as phallic and mysterious as you can get.

Now that you see the fireman’s helmet, and can’t unsee it, check out these hat metaphors which must have been created with penises in mind, or hand:

Coming hat in hand

Hat trick

Talking through your hat

Old hat

Hold on to your hat

All hat and no cattle

Set your cap

Thinking cap

And last but most turgid:

Throw your hat into the ring.

The connecting tissue of all these helmets, caps and metaphors for penises?None of them are mad. Nobody likes a mad penis.