A Love Letter To The Father I Never Had

For all the girls out there with daddy issues, you’re not alone

I used to dream about you.

I had both nightmares and good dreams.

I used to imagine what my life would be like had you have been there.

Would I be more kind? Would I be more funny?

Would I be more nurturing? Would I be more confident?

I used to look at other girls who were lucky enough to have a dad with envy. They got to wear a badge of honor in my eyes. It said, “I have a father who loves me,” meanwhile the rest of us that weren’t as fortunate, well we had a different label titled, “Daddy Issues.”

I once read that you can unconsciously seek your father’s love and approval through adult partners. I couldn’t agree more. My first boyfriend was the epitome of you. He even looked like you, had the same views as you, and was just as controlling as you.

My second boyfriend also resembled you in some way. He was constantly absent, never put me as a priority, and didn’t pursue me.

According to Barbara Greenberg, PhD, she says that if a father treats the mother poorly, not only will it influence the daughter’s choice of partners later on in life, but it will also influence what she will tolerate in terms of behavior. If the mother is willing to tolerate negativity and neglect, then the daughter will also tolerate it because she looks at her mother as a role model, and she begins to think that is the way of life.

“If their fathers are alcoholics, women are more likely to marry alcoholics, because they think that’s just what men do.” — Barbara Greenberg, PhD

While I know that you weren’t an alcoholic, it doesn’t make the situation any better. You were absent throughout my life, and because of you, I suffered.

I suffered because all I wanted was a man to love me, to worship me, and to call me his. I looked for that type of love in all the wrong places, and I hated myself for it because I knew I could never find what I truly wanted.

Men constantly disappointed me, and once that happened, I thought of you and it made me loathe men in general.

I didn’t want to be sexualized, I didn’t want the romance. I wanted to be adored. I wanted to be challenged. I wanted to be protected. I didn’t want to cater to a man's needs, I wanted him to cater to mine. Yet somehow, I was always on the giving end rather than the receiving.

I aimed to please because, in some twisted and sick way, I thought it would make me a good daughter.

Growing up, I never had any male friends, and I’m sure that’s because I have no understanding of what a non-sexual dynamic with a man would be like.

I admired older men because I wanted someone to fulfill the father-figure role that was empty in my life. They resembled power in my eyes. And a powerful male figure is what I lacked in my life.

You took so much away from me, and I would bet my life on this — you never understood or even thought about how much you affected me.

When you came back into my life, over 17 years later, it wasn’t because you were searching for me. My mom found you, and you made her promise to withhold that information from me.

It’s been almost a year and every now and then you text me asking about how I am doing.

You’ve never apologized for the pain you caused — in fact, you argue that I was the one who caused you pain.

You never show interest in me, yet I unfailingly think of you every single day.

Despite therapy, despite forgiveness, despite all the years that have gone by, despite the fact that I’m not a little girl anymore and I was raised by an incredible woman who took on both parental roles and did an excellent job of it, I still carry the baggage you forced me to walk with.

Rejection

Any time I get rejected, it hits home. It reminds me of the way you made me feel.

I don’t know if this makes me crazy, I mean the definition of crazy is literally doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result, and each day I wake up and expect some sort of magical relationship to happen between us, and each night I am disappointed when I don’t hear from you.

I grew up insecure, lacking self-confidence and self-esteem, wondering what it is I did wrong to steer you away, wondering what it was that made other girls so dang lucky to have a dad to call when a nail got stuck in one of their tires.

“Was I bitter? Absolutely. Hurt? You bet your sweet ass I was hurt. Who doesn’t feel a part of their heart break at rejection. You ask yourself every question you can think of, what, why, how come, and then your sadness turns to anger. That’s my favorite part. It drives me, feeds me, and makes one hell of a story.” — Jennifer Salaiz

Self-Worth

My self-worth was often compromised because of you, while I had a mother who adored and praised me, I wanted to feel loved by the man who helped make me.

When people perform acts of kindness for me, I often think there is an ulterior motive behind it. I used to think that I wasn’t worthy of any of it. If I was, wouldn’t you have been there for me?

You made me question my self-worth so much that it became non-existent.

You made me feel so irrelevant that I contemplated why I was put on this earth.

You made me feel so small that I thought I could never achieve anything big.

You never knew how much pain you caused me, yet I still loved you and dreamed of you walking me down the aisle one day.

That’s the thing about self-worth, you can’t accept yourself if you feel like others aren’t accepting of you, it’s a terrible way to live. I’m beginning to choose to accept myself despite you failing to do so.

Denial

I lived in denial for a long time about you. I thought I was okay — I thought I was perfectly fine without you.

I told myself that I didn’t need a father, and it’s true. I didn’t need a shitty man in my life that didn’t know the first thing about parenting.

However, I did need to come to terms with all of my problems, I needed to face reality — and reality was that you hurt me.

You screwed up my childhood because you made me feel unworthy.

It’s taken me years to come face to face with my demons, and I’ve been able to identify that they all start and end with you.

Choosing To Break The Cycle

Despite the pain, despite the struggle, at the end of the day, you choose how you show up.

I could continue to live my life feeling unworthy, I could continue feeling rejected by everything and everyone — I could also continue denying my feelings.

I could continue choosing the partners that resembled you and made me feel crappy. Or, I could break the cycle.

I’m attracted to guys who have the characteristics of a good father. I’m attracted to my partner who is indeed the complete opposite of you, my father.

I’m attracted to the good and wholesome qualities of a human. The raw bits that I used to be so uncomfortable with.

I don’t hate you now for all the things you failed to be for me. I’m just choosing to stop expecting love from you.

After bottling up my emotions for so long and living in a state of denial — I found someone who genuinely cares for me and inspires me rather than makes me question whether or not I am worthy of his love.

Everybody has their own demons, mine happens to be daddy issues. He didn’t run from it, he embraced them with me and helped me unravel my emotions.

At the end of the day, I’m choosing to break the cycle.