💜A Love Letter to My Son 💜

I love you to infinity and beyond.

You are the only one I’ve ever loved. I’m so sorry I left you with your dad. He said he’d have nothing if I took you with me.

I thought you’d thrive with his regular hours and zero ambition. I wasn’t wrong. Your dad was very good at both.

You are chasing your career, I did the same. At first, I had something to prove to the world. Yet when I achieved success, I found it unimportant. I didn’t find whatever it was I was looking for. I hope you do, Sweetheart. Make sure you have a good pension plan as back up.

You’re working too much and sleeping too little. Numbing yourself with marijuana the way I did with booze.

Please know I didn’t drink alcohol when I was pregnant with you. I did drink freshly squeezed orange juice every day, though. You have always been rather keen on fresh juices.

I smoked marijuana once when I was pregnant with you. Your uncle said it would be fine, it wouldn’t hurt you. It would be relaxing. Perhaps I’m to blame for your habit.

You’re far more informed than I am on so many matters. Self-teaching yourself programming languages and new techniques, building and documenting processes and networks, and every other subject you have taught yourself.

You have the potential to make it to the top of your profession.

You have infinite patience when you set up websites for my latest writing project. I promise to use this year’s set up.

I recognise your impatience when you have to repeat what you said a few times for me to make sense of your words. You get it from me. I’m sorry.

Your life choice to work and to save up to buy a house is admirable. However, a love interest might help you prioritise life and living above work. I’d love for you to meet a wonderful woman and fall in love. Everybody should do this at least once.

I guess not wanting to bring a child into this world as there are so many things wrong with modern society is fair enough. Plus, worries about global warming and a deadly virus don’t reassure anyone. A grandchild would be lavished with love by me, and I’d be available any time you needed a baby sitter! But I won’t ever judge you or your decisions.

Your dad and I hit it off through a haze of Smirnoff and tonic. Apparently, he asked me three times to marry him on New Year’s Eve 1989. He told me this on New Year’s Day. He was so keen we were married on the 3rd of March 1990.

Your dad’s mother gave us a year. I’m glad he and I proved her wrong.

Did you know I fought your dad for custody twice?

The first time he gave in and agreed to joint custody for you. I had to plead with him. My birth mum left me when I was six. My dad refused to let her see me, which really screwed me up. I wanted to make sure you and I had regular contact.

The second time, I won the court case he brought against me. I thought your education would benefit, as the schools were better in High Wycombe. I only wanted him to consider my question, but he loved you so much he took me to court so he could keep you.

I could’ve insisted you come to live with me because the barrister agreed that the schools were better in Buckinghamshire than Oxfordshire. But when I watched your dad walking away from the court, I saw him hanging his head like a dog that had just been kicked. I couldn’t hurt him again. I know he loved me for a long time.

Do you remember when we used to read the same books? Harry Potter was the best! We’re lucky to share similar tastes in TV shows and movies. I adore having you over for a bite, a chat, and a show.

When your dad threatened to send you to me in Cape Verde, I was thrilled. But you are a home bird, aren’t you? You sorted it out with your father. And I wasn’t lucky enough to get to spend time with you.

I’ve never seen you with your friends. I wonder if you are as uncomfortable with space invaders and touchy-feely people as I am? We’ve always hugged. Sometimes, I think you and I are the only people we have to hug each other. I’m sorry if I gave you an inability to welcome people with open arms.

I’m looking forward to travelling with you to see grandpa in Poland as soon as your boss allows you to have the time away from your computers and the world has conquered COVID-19.

I know how easy it is to focus solely on work. I know you are driven to succeed. It took me twenty years to abandon that compulsion, you will too when you are ready.

I was compelled to have you and love you, my son.

I wish you joy and tranquillity.

When you find them perhaps you’ll share the secret with your old mum.

See you soon. 💜