A Love Letter to My 8-Year-Old Self

I love you for your joyful, radiant essence

Dear Bingjie,

I was sharing a proud childhood moment with some friends when I thought of you. Queen Elizabeth II came to Singapore for a royal visit, and our school was selected to be part of her day trip itinerary. You were so thrilled to be chosen to present a spray of orchids to her! I also remember the deep insecurities you felt then.

Yes, you used to be naturally thin, until that same year when you had chickenpox and had to stay home Ah Ma (my paternal grandmother) for two weeks. It was such torture! The only entertainment you had was through eating so much till you couldn’t even stand up properly, just so that she could praise you for ‘eating well’. I’m so sorry that happened.

Two weeks of eating like that changed you into a new person. Your classmates and teachers couldn’t even recognize you anymore! That moment was only funny for a split second, then it went to becoming just plain sad.

I remember that you felt very insecure about being chosen. Xiao Wei got chosen too, but she was chosen because of her gorgeous painting. She had incredible talent! Some older schoolmates even got to perform for the Queen! You had no clue why you got chosen. You just hoped that you won’t get deselected when they realized you had neither talent nor beauty.

Yes, yes, there was a huge hoo-hah and our parents and the whole extended family got so excited about this. But these questions kept circling in your mind :

• Am I really that talentless?
• Am I really pretty?
• Or am I cute because I’m so chubby and fat?
• Is it good to be chubby and fat? That doesn’t like a good achievement to have.

Yes, I felt so sad for you too. Yet, another voice came through me as I reflect on this. After completing the conscious Burlesque program a few weeks ago, I had this message come through for me to think of that event this way:

Perhaps you were chosen because of your joyful radiant essence?

That felt true to me. Do you remember how free and joyous you naturally are, Bingjie? I adore you! Truly!

So, please, I love and cherish you. You are so radiant in your joy, before and after you gained weight. You are a gorgeous soul living in a young girl’s body.

Please love and cherish yourself too. Believe in yourself that your radiant essence attracts other like-minded loving humans to you.

I see you in me, especially during my Burlesque showcase. Here’s a short clip from that show, to keep reminding us of our radiant essence, throughout all time, space, and body size.

I see you. Keep shining.

Love, Bingz