A Love Letter for All the Brokenhearted Women of the World

You didn’t get what you deserved…but don’t forget you still deserve it

I’m so sorry he left. I’m so sorry he lied. I’m so sorry he said those cruel words.

All my life, I waited to meet someone who wouldn’t. All my life, I waited to lie in someone’s arms without keeping myself tensed up, waiting for the moment he would show me his total lack of regard for me.

And I never did.

Maybe you feel the same? Maybe you know this longing as deeply as I do.

Then let me do for you — and myself — what hasn’t been done for us. Let us find our own loving embrace to relax into.

You deserve to be loved. You always have. You always will.

I want you to understand — to know — that what you have imagined should never have been a fantasy, a pipe dream. These are connections with other human beings that should have always been available to you.

You know that one where you imagine lying next to him, both of you naked? Your arms around each other. His fingers trailing through your hair. Maybe he is on top of you. Maybe lying beside you. But nothing else matters about this imagined moment except the fact that he is staring into your eyes.

You’re both silent, except for the little rustling sounds of your breathing and his fingers moving through your hair. Arousal is irrelevant. Romance is irrelevant. Words are entirely unnecessary.

He sees you and there is nothing more important in the entire world than that. He is looking at you so intently, it is as if he can see to the part of you that’s most deeply hidden. The part of you that is far too tender for this world. But he is looking right at it and it feels like you can finally breathe after being underwater for far too long.

Someone sees you.

He sees you.

And that’s all it takes to make everything right in the world for just one, peaceful moment.

You deserve to experience this. You always have.

I have this memory of sitting on a love seat in a hotel room with the last man I dated. The embrace inspired us to move to the bed soon after. But somewhere in my memory, in my imagination, I’m still on that loveseat with him.

I crawl onto his lap and instead of being swept away by desire, I imagine us just sitting there. What would it have been like, to curl myself into his neck? To rest my inner thighs against his hips? To feel his wide hands on my back and bottom?

What would it have felt like to breathe together? The rise and fall of our chests matching the other? The slow absorption of sensory input: the feel of his beard against my nose, the scent of his skin, the thick sound of his inhales.

We deserve that. Yes, you. You deserve that.

An endless embrace. Clothed or naked. Curled up on the couch. Knotted tightly together on the bed. In a gentle bow in the bathtub, slippery like a satin ribbon.

No ambition for sex. No groping, grasping hands, desperate for some kind of completion. No part of the body surging to enter another.

This is sex, too. A moment so long, so sweet, and so still, one body melts into the other. A communion so deep, two bodies create another lifeforce out of nothing but the exchange of their breath.

My god, sisters, you deserve that. We always have.

You deserve for him to buy you flowers. Not because that’s what a man does for a woman — but just because you like them and it makes you feel good to be gifted with something so beautiful.

And yes, a bouquet of roses or daisies or whatever is your favorite (and he should know…), but you also deserve a bouquet of wildflowers every now and then, too. The ones he picked from the garden, or on his morning walk.

You deserve for him to find you beautiful. You don’t have to work out every day or watch what you eat. You don’t have to pinch your extra skin in front of the mirror or record your weight when you wake up.

You deserve for him to see what’s underneath your earth suit. To love the beauty of your character, your personality, your soul. To feel love when he sees your smile or that little wink you do with your eye. To find joy and fulfillment in the embrace of your body, no matter what it looks like.

You deserve for him to make good on his promises. From taking out the garbage on time to planning that vacation to Paris. You deserve his integrity. His honor. Not the knight in shining armor kind. The accountable adult of any gender kind. The kind of actions that reinforce his words and build your trust in him and your relationship.

You deserve clear communication. An effort toward the same emotional competence you have cultivated within yourself. Lots and lots of “I love yous” with actions to back them up.

You deserve to be in relationships and to seek relationships even in your imperfect state. You do not have to opt out of dating because you have unhealed wounds.

You deserve to be loved, regardless.

I know what you’re thinking. He said you were broken. You’ve never forgotten that.

And the one before said you were crazy. And the one before said no one could ever love you because you are so fat, ugly, and/or impossible.

Those words were nothing more than evidence of their unhealed wounds. And though there is no excuse for saying such cruel things to another human being, they deserve to be loved even in their imperfection.

We all do.

Maybe the best we can hope for is to find someone who has compatible wounds. Unhealed spaces that might inspire the other into spaces of growth and healing.

Or at least do as little damage as possible.

But do you understand the bigger point here? You get to date or continue on in your relationship even as the mess you are. He’s a mess, too — he’s just incapable of admitting that.

And still, we all deserve to be loved.

He was wrong to call you broken. He should have said bruised, or better yet, nothing at all, because it’s not his place to judge you. You deserve a man who won’t poke at those bruises just to make him forget about his own.

Do you remember that time you couldn’t keep your hands off each other? How he couldn’t get enough of your company?

And then one day every word exchanged with you, every moment spent with you seemed to be a burden to him? Your very presence seemed to irritate him?

You deserved those early days of adoration — and you deserve them still. You deserve the effort it takes to maintain the ability to access those moments of passion and excitement. You deserve the effort of cultivating wonder and curiosity about one another. You deserve his willingness to focus on the best version of you.

You deserve his attention.

You deserve the passion of those early days. You deserve adoration. You deserve to be drunk on love and sex as often as possible.

And you are worthy of that love and passion.

I’m so sorry he didn’t say he was sorry. He cheated. He left you when you were so sick you had to quit your job. He fell in lust with someone else. He revealed a different personality after you had sex. He gave you an STI and dumped you before you realized it. He lied a million times…and then one more.

I’m so, so sorry. I’m sorry for what happened.

And I’m so sorry he couldn’t look you in the eyes and admit his behavior was cruel and hurtful. I’m sorry he couldn’t say two simple words: I’m sorry. I’m sorry he had so little regard for you that he never considered your feelings and left you in confusion, pain, heartbreak, financial ruin, and/or deep trauma.

I’m sorry that our culture teaches men that women are only here for their fulfillment. That we are not fellow human beings. That our value ceases to exist the moment they have no more use for us.

I’m so sorry we have to endure the trauma of living in a patriarchal system that does not recognize our basic human dignity.

It’ll never be enough, an apology from me, from your besties, from other women who have been through something similar. Nothing will ever make the impact an apology from him would make.

And I’m so, so sorry that that option is almost never on the table.

You deserve to be held. You deserve to have someone stroke your hair. You deserve the 20-minute backrub that doesn’t turn into an hour of sex you didn’t want to have.

You deserve breakfast in bed. You deserve an occasional good morning kiss before you brush your teeth. You deserve to have sex without first having to wax everything from the neck down.

You deserve someone who loves your rounded belly. You deserve cuddles and earlobe nibbles. You deserve a call the next morning — and not so he can break up with you.

You deserve the truth. You deserve full disclosure. You deserve to count on the agreement you made, and to trust that it won’t change until updated negotiations are proposed.

You deserve dignity. You deserve respect. You deserve care. You deserve love.

Sisters…we deserve love.

Don’t ever forget that.

© Yael Wolfe 2023

Yael Wolfe is a writer, artist, and photographer. You can find more of her work at yaelwolfe.com. If you love her writing, leave her a tip over at Ko-fi.

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