I Am Too Young to Die

Finding Hope in Desperation: A self-awareness Journey in Dealing with Depression

There was no turning back. I jumped! I was falling!

I was gasping for breath. My lips were trembling down my entire jaw, onto my knees, my entire forehead jammed with pockets of cold sweat. I tried calling for help. I opened my mouth, but my voice wouldn’t come out except, in intense desperation, my voice was lowered to a whisper. I flapped my hands. Nothing! I grabbed onto nothingness. “He-elp me!” A whisper. I was terrified and shaking uncontrollably. And then amidst all this, the thud would have been heard, had I not woken up — fatigued, shaken up and in deep paranoia, relieved that it was just a dream.

“Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than outright exposure. The fearful get caught as often as the bold.” — Helen Keller

The last few days have been dull, intense, and extremely challenging. It has now been eight months since the damning but essentially relieving revelation.

Almost everyone is going through something difficult. From health-related issues, financial problems, family problems, car problems, work problems, Covid-19, business problems — actual people problems, it is often easy to forget yourself. Isn’t it a little ironic? — Especially when you need help from the same people.

It is almost impossible to be sane these days until you learn that you have to ensure you’re prudent about your soundness.

A few close friends I know are going through so many difficulties that you can incidentally find consolation in the crowd —find safety in numbers.

Finding Safety in the Crowd

By being open and allowing sharing, you genuinely understand that other people are going through worse scenarios than you and that consolation will help make you feel better.

Karen’s mum is under the weather. She has been struggling with cancer for the last few months. Karen is my close friend. The panacea makes her feel terrible because there’s nothing she can do. Karen too lost her job during the Covid-19 pandemic. She says that what makes her feel worse is that she’s unable to help. “There’s no worse feeling like seeing your loved one go through intense pain and there’s nothing you can do,” she says.

Karen might feel awful, but that might make me selectively forget my torments for a while, though temporarily.

The act of Acceptance

It is easy to say, “My friend is going through a much more difficult time than I am,” and sheepishly feel momentarily better. The problem with this comparative attitude is that it does not heal you, because it’s an escapist mentality and only acts to postpone your situation. It’s a sure-fire recipe for some lift in self-confidence and temporary happiness, but for how long? It’s not that useful.

“Enjoy your own life without comparing it with that of another.” — Marquis de Condorcet

The essential model of our life should be the ability to look at our challenges, the will to accept our current situations, and the ability to visualize solutions and change through action. It’s admittedly one of the key ingredients to finding necessary peace of mind — and happiness — because, without this ability, we will always lie to ourselves that we’re doing better, comparatively.

Self-Awareness in searching for Happiness

We are all searching for happiness, aren’t we?

It’s good to be aware of when you start comparing yourself to others, reads the Zen Habits. Once you’ve developed this awareness, stop yourself. Tell yourself, “Stop that!” And then start thinking about all the things you DO have, the things you love, the people you have, the blessings that life has given you. Make this a regular practice, and you’ll start to be happier with your life.

We are all searching for happiness.

To rid myself of the habit of self-comparison, I have found these new mental and behavioral changes ;

Self-Awareness: I want to be aware and conscious of myself. I have wholly committed to focusing on myself.
I have learned to stop the comparison thought whenever it comes — by learning to acknowledge these thoughts but change my focus.
I am counting my blessings, one by one. I have a list of daily luck. Despite the few challenges, I am lucky by my measure.
I am adapting to my imperfections and learning to be content with them, though not lay-by happy. As much as I am working on improvement, I realize that I’m not perfect, and will never be perfect.
I will motivate and assist others. Every time I help someone, I learn new things, and I heal too.
I am looking at the bigger picture. I realize that life is a journey and not a competition. I am here to learn, create, find something, and become something. It’s not a sprint. It’s a marathon.
I’m all about love. Nothing has ever been wasted where there’s love.

I realize that life is a journey and not a competition.

“To love is to stop comparing.” — Bernard Grasset

For a while, I have been on this self-awareness exercise. I want to learn more about myself;

What drives or motivates me
How I function
The things I love or hate
My thoughts,
My behaviors and patterns.

In summary, the important thing in my life is what matters to me.

The Journey in Awareness Space

I came across Sílvia Bastos article, The 5-Bullet-Log: A Note-Taking System to Increase Self-Awareness and Learn More From Life and I have been putting it to the grind. The results have been immensely and satisfactorily great. I feel like I have renewed focus. It’s funny how the best solutions to life’s mishaps lie in simple solutions.

I have learned a lot about myself in just a few days;

I have learned to use friends' honest input and opinions in constructively improving my life, instead of terming them mean. I have learned to listen more.
I fully accept that life is not a competition, but a journey and that we each have our paths or roads, with different challenges and experiences. The world is not mean, just robust.
Yesterday is my past, and tomorrow is my future. By having a journal input of my expectations for tomorrow, I can confidently evaluate my achievements. Growth is achieved through small deeds here and beyond.
Reflection helps me improve. I know what I did, what worked, and what didn’t work. I can choose a specific inward focus. I have learned to put down people’s opinions on paper, look back, and be able to connect the dots. “Always try to learn from other people’s mistakes, not your own, it is much cheaper that way,” says Donald Trump. Is he right?
Every day is a journey of learning. If I learn a new thing every day, who knows how much I’ll have learned in a week, month, or year?
My ideas are not lost. I know when crazy and when not. I can always look back and connect the dots and sometimes laugh at myself.
The cues and signs are helping me learn about new dangers, learn when and how to change circumstances, and grow progress.
I am grateful for the blessings. When I pray, I am all about Gratitude.

To grow is to become a better version of ourselves every day — so in a way, to learn is to provide our future self with valuable data on which to make big decisions. Sílvia Bastos

Mental ailments do not mean that you’re crazy

One thing I am convinced of is that this battle cannot be won alone. We need one another — we need people we care about around us. We need people we can talk to, people who can listen without a hint of judgment, people who tell us the truth like it is and in a humane way.

I am thankful that I have a friend I can confide in for she has been a reliable person; It’s great to have someone with whom you can share your deepest fears. It helps in healing.

That’s a plus for my wins!

Recovery from Mental challenges

The universal truth with many mental health illnesses, objectively put, is that they’re not physical — it’s not something you can tell by looking. For instance, it’s hard for anyone to understand;

How your mind is exhausting
How you are unable to sleep
How when you sleep you are unable to wake up
How your thoughts are spiraling out of control
How do you explain the constant confluence of disrupting dreams at night? Are they hallucinations?

It hurts to watch yourself

When you cannot stop acting destructively

When you wake up in the morning tired, bored, lacking energy, people feel like you’re lazy. But you’re not. It hurts to watch yourself. You know that it’s not easy to stop acting destructively.

It’s a daily struggle. The mere thought of getting up from bed is depressing. You feel like you’ve just completed a major marathon, and lost. Sleep is supposed to refresh you and strengthen you, and yet you fear falling asleep.

Through my self-awareness journey as a Bipolar fighter (I am not a victim), I have been trying to get hold of a psychiatrist or just a trained counselor. I have learned that the average cost of accessing a therapist in Kenya is about $40 per session.

A single session!

I have questioned how many people can afford that.

The cost of accessing mental illness treatment in public hospitals is prohibitive and won’t allow many with the condition to come out to seek a remedy. It’s even higher in private hospitals. It’s even higher in private hospitals.

With these prohibitive conditions, it’s safe to say that when you are on your own, you’ll have full responsibility for the majority of mental health issues.

How expensive it is to access mental healthcare in Kenya

If I am unable to afford it, and I need the services, it becomes disturbing. When you are jobless and are trying to make ends meet, pulling a few gigs on Medium, you appreciate the value of a single dollar, $1. It can feed you first before you can even think about your mental disturbances.

When you don’t have a choice and have to choose between food and anything else, food will always come first.

A majority of Kenyans have no choice but to accept that the desire for better mental health is simply out of their reach. Mental health is for those who can afford it. I now truly understand why some people believe in miracles. In life, when you have done your best, and put your best foot forward, but the output is not as relative, what else can you do other than sit and hope?

My revelations

Revelations from my daily journaling; From my cues and signs, this is what I have learned. We’ll keep on fighting. I have resolved to keep on fighting for better mental help for all.

Journey’s that matter most rarely come with a map ~ Seth Godin

“We are a little young to die,” my friend Karen told me one morning. I don’t know much about death. I understand that a battle with your mind is like living in a haunted house, probably worse than death.

Battling with your mind is like living in a haunted house.

Journaling

Still from those journals, I have learned that writing keeps me calm. Strangely, scribbling my thoughts on paper or Evernote or Google Docs or Medium cools me down. I have felt less anxious every time after I have written down my thoughts. The headache has subsided and also my anxiety.

I can now summon some energy and focus on acting normal.

I now have the energy to do some small body exercises and feel better. I don’t know how long this lasts. Yesterday night, I could not fall asleep, because I had this compulsion to write about some little subject that just kept ringing in my mind. I had all the words in my mind, but my body was tired.

It’s not fun watching the body fighting with the mind. It’s like the proverbial story of two bulls fighting. And so I ended up in bed, doing my sleep meditation. Luckily, I fell asleep, only to wake up to what is now my exhausted body.

The dreams. Are they Hallucinations?

Lately, the dreams seem real. I feel like I am awake and having actual moments. If I had a dream recorder to text converter, I bet my Medium stories would be uploaded in my sleep.

How do you stop worrying?

How do you stop being anxious when your anxiety occurs from nothing?

I am anxious about taking a bath, eating, and visiting the toilet.

Why are my movements in a hurry when I do not have missed deadlines? That speed is deeply exhausting.

For a few moments, I will feel superb, and during these times I’ll get motivation, it’s not all lost. For instance, I am excited after writing this article — I have a reward for myself, but ironically scared because I know it ends so soon.

Have you ever been scared?

Consider being scared of little things, let alone spiders. Have you ever been scared of missing your ritual morning bath? — I have.

Choosing to do the things you Love

My friend always makes me feel better, so I called her early in the morning. One exercise in being conscious is listening to people and incorporating their input into your healing plans. And so I am thankful for having a good friend. I felt better afterward. I do not want to disappoint her, and now I am scared about that. I am scared of things that have not yet happened.

I am scared of being scared. Writing makes me feel better. Hopefully, I hope it’s worth your read. The good thing, there’s progress.

Celebrating small achievements

Sometimes, I have intense feelings of anxiety. I can manage this too, sometimes. I keep a journal of my good and bad days. I have been able to track my triggers for depressive states and can be able to manage them. Every day, I write a journal entry to my future self, which could be tomorrow. By keeping these little lists, I am accountable for the way I feel — I feel responsible for my moods. I can avoid déjà vu situations with ease. I have not healed, but I am proud of my small achievements. Hopefully, I will be more self-conscious as the days go by.

Change is hard, and making significant life-altering decisions is not for the faint of heart. It takes courage to see past the initial waves of fear into the full potential of our lives. Rebecca Murauskas

Sometimes strangers listen better

All hope is not lost. After many years of this daily struggle with mental issues, the effort has achieved venerable progress. No?

If you would love to chat with me, Tweet me at @fmwongella.

Sometimes strangers listen better than friends.

Together as one, there’s peace in one people.

When I chose to prioritize my happiness, my life became a perpetual weekend. Rebecca Murauskas

Thank you for reading this far.