This Happened to Me|Life
A List of Things I’ve Complained About This Week That I Need to Apologise For
I’m saying sorry now because sometimes it’s too late
I apologise for covering my eyes, for wishing revenge, and for not knowing what to say to a dear friend. And that’s not all of it.
#1 I’m sorry I covered my eyes and condemned you for not looking away. I had been largely ignoring the more graphic footage of the Hamas terror attacks. Like any sane person, I have trouble processing the level of savagery that was inflicted on babies, teenagers, parents and grandparents, and I refuse to bring that psychological trauma into either my mind or my living room.
A couple of days ago my husband was watching MSNBC and I happened to walk in on the TV images. I was disappointed that the man I’ve loved for thirty years could stomach them, as if being capable of accepting the images into one’s psyche somehow made him, as a viewer, callous and unsympathetic.
That was unfair.
I know everyone processes these things in different ways. Some of us meet it head on, and others don’t.
Regardless, I am sorry I judged, and I’m sorry I looked away.
#2 I am sorry I entertained the thought of revenge. My desire for revenge lasted mere seconds; a visceral response, but I apologise. You have to decide early on about whether you are a vengeful person, and my judgement tells me the only winner in such situations is more tragedy.
I am sorry that for one fleeting second vengeance seemed an answer. It isn’t, that was wrong.
#3 I am sorry I was silent at lunch with our dearest friends, just after Hamas’s assault on Israel. The mood was unusually but understandably somber.
My best friend met her husband in Israel in the late 70s. Both had close family connections to the holocaust, and both have friends and family now living in Israel.
They are good, compassionate people who also don’t accept a vengeful solution that ultimately means the slaughter and displacement of innocent civilians.
I apologise for being muted by overwhelm, for being unable to comfort with the perfect words when you were struggling to express your rage, confusion, sorrow and fear.
Perhaps there are no words for that. But regardless, I am truly sorry.
Those are the big three apologies for this past week, but unfortunately, in my white-privileged, first-world existence, there are others.
#4 I apologise for recent complaints about my diminished hearing and failing eyesight. The sound and sight of incoming rockets and exploding buildings is unimaginable to me in my comfortable home in my secure neighbourhood, here in my country at peace. Perhaps it is better to be deaf to the screams of the injured, and blind to the annihilation of a community you love. I hope I never have to test that theory, but I apologise anyway for my whining.
And finally,
#5 I apologise for missing several opportunities this week to tell my adult children, and young grandchildren, how much I love them.
Of course, taking people for granted is a given in this busy world, but we are reminded by this week’s events that it is also contingent upon survival from hour to hour, and day to day.
A truth of human existence is that lightning strikes, hearts stop, wars start, and it’s no use remembering to say a simple “I love you” or “I’m sorry” after that happens. That’s why I am spending time tonight catching up with friends and family, letting them know how much they mean to me, and yes, apologising where necessary. And for the first time in a while, it feels damn good.
