A Letter to the Highschool Boyfriend I Treated Like Garbage
It was 24 years ago. I still regret my behavior.
Think back to every romantic relationship you’ve had your whole life. It’s probably easy to remember why you broke up. At best you can remember their flaws, worst case you remember their heartbreaking treatment of you. Do you ever think of the times you were the asshole in the relationship? That you’re the one they imagine when they think of their worst ex?
I have had many relationships. Some long term and monogamous, some that were meaningful but lasted shorter than a commercial break. They usually ended because of incompatibility, which leads to fights and harsh words. Or they were simply cruel with mind games. Or they manipulated me for money. Or they cheated.
There is one boy (well, now a man) who I owe a massive apology. He was perfect. I’m the one who stomped on his heart and if he looks back and thinks, “oh yeah her, she was such a bitch” he wouldn’t be wrong. He’s such a nice guy, I’m sure he doesn’t think that at all.
Jeff and I dated shortly after my breakup with my long-term boyfriend who was a complete piece of garbage. As in, secretly-dating-and-fucking-a-drug-user-who-had-fucked-a-needle-addict piece of garbage. Only once did we ever not use a condom, but by then my 90’s MTV fear of AIDS had me panicking that my future would be full of hospital IVs and not college exams.
The right thing to do would have been to truly get over the Garbage Ex-Boyfriend. Getting over someone isn’t just waiting until you stop crying every day. I didn’t know at the time that getting over someone includes being comfortable in your skin and determining your own value without anyone else’s validation.
My friends introduced me to Jeff in my final year of high school. He was a year younger, super cute, incredibly athletic, and friends with everyone. If I had to dig for flaws, he was short and his body fat was so low that if I laid on his stomach, his abs would punch my face when he laughed. In short, he was wonderful.
There was no reason for me not to like him. I became his girlfriend within hours of our first date. Being bilingual, he would alternate his sweet terms of endearment between French and English. He bragged to anyone he met that I was his girlfriend. To this day, I’ve never been with anyone so happy to be with me that they actually shouted it to the world.
For one year we had a great relationship. I took Jeff’s V-card (…virginity. I took his virginity. Not sure if people use “V-card” anymore.) and he said he loved me. I told him I loved him too; it’s the only time in my life I have ever, ever lied about being in love. It felt awful. I vowed to never lie about love ever again. I wasn’t fully over the profound hurt caused by the previous ex-boyfriend. It clouded my judgment on good behavior and integrity.
As the older woman by one year, I started university while Jeff finished high school. Our lives slowly diverged but he made great efforts to stay connected.
A peer in my university program pursued me. It was flattering, exciting, and I milked the attention. It kept Jeff in relationship limbo because I strung him along for months. He knew I was spending time with another guy in social settings and ignoring his calls. It all culminated when I broke up with Jeff so that I could be with the other guy (although to my defense, I dated the new guy for 5 years so it wasn’t just a fling).
Even after the breakup, Jeff was a sweetheart. I deserved to fall under the “fucking bitch who was probably fucking that other guy the whole time” category (I wasn’t, but he would be right to assume I did). Instead, a day after the breakup, he left me a voicemail saying that he wanted me to know how special our time was and that a song reminded him of me. He ended the voicemail with a recording of Bad English’s “When I See You Smile”. Well-played, Jeff. Well-played.
Twenty four years have passed and in all that time, Jeff is the only ex-boyfriend I would tell positive tales. I recently experienced a profound betrayal and thought back to my downright awful, shitty treatment of a guy who absolutely adored me. No strings attached. No games. Just pure, innocent, and sweet love. Did I ruin his view on love the way other guys have ruined mine? Did I scar him in a way that took months to overcome? Did he lay crying at night while I was blissfully asleep dreaming about the new boyfriend?
So it got me thinking…
I should write an apology letter to Jeff. He’s easy to find on Facebook, we have mutual childhood friends. Will I send it to him? I doubt it. But here is what I would write:
“Hey Jeff,
Total blast from the past, having me write you. Oh yeah in case you forgot, this is Jennifer
I know this is out of the blue and really weird. But it’s been bothering me the past few years and recently it’s been such a nagging voice in my head that I had to put pen to paper. Well, text to screen lol, you get it. (Look at me, trying to make this a light fun email so he doesn’t think I’m a weirdo!)
I know this is absolutely meaningless now, but I wanted to apologize to you. When we dated, I was the absolute worst to you towards the end. I’m sure you don’t even remember much of it, but I do. I know that I went to university and got really shady. Shady enough that you had that knot in your stomach when you know someone you love is probably deceiving you in some way.
That knot is an awful feeling. Like the absolute worst fucking feeling on earth.
Still, you treated me with respect and throughout it all, you were wonderful. When I talk with friends about our younger lives, I tell them about the “one guy I dated” who I have nothing negative to say at all, that he was perfect. I was the prick who took him for granted and showed little disregard for his feelings.
I even remember right after the breakup you left the sweetest voicemail and played Bad English’s “When I See You Smile” on my phone. It was that moment that it hit me, what a fucking asshole I had been to you. We should have ended things so much sooner but instead, I dangled a carrot in front of you (just enough to keep you around).
I was garbage. Total garbage to a guy who showed me nothing but kindness our entire relationship.
So this is my attempt at atonement. I’m sorry Jeff. It’s long overdue, probably doesn’t mean a single thing, but for whatever pain I caused your young heart back then, I’m truly sorry.
You didn’t deserve any of it. You were fantastic.
Hopefully, this unexpected apology falls under the “better late than never” category. Once again, I’m so, so sorry. Hmmm, not sure if I need to write it twenty four-more times, one for each year :) (Another attempt at crappy humor to lighten the mood of the message).
Hugs, Jen”
Yup. I’m gonna send it. Worst case, he shrugs his shoulders and thinks, “whatever, crazy lady!”. Best case, it eases his mind when he thinks back to his childhood loves.
I hope one day the one who betrayed me will think to atone for his sins, even if it takes twenty years. Better late than never.
