Summary

The web content is a personal letter from an individual's eating disorder personified, reflecting on its detrimental impact on the individual, Alexa, during her college years, and expressing regret for the changes it caused in her life.

Abstract

In the letter, the eating disorder acknowledges its role in dimming Alexa's light, taking away her happiness, and replacing it with deep pain. It recalls the initial excitement of college life, the slow but steady encroachment of the disorder into every aspect of Alexa's life, and the subsequent transformation of her personality. The disorder admits to monopolizing Alexa's time and energy, leading to her withdrawal from social interactions and a loss of confidence. It confesses to being a barrier between Alexa and the vibrant college experience she deserved, causing her to become a shadow of her former self. The eating disorder reflects on the cyclical nature of their relationship, marked by periods of closeness and attempts at distancing, until Alexa eventually found the strength to break free. The letter concludes with an apology for the years lost and the negative changes inflicted upon Alexa, while acknowledging her resilience and return to a stronger, wiser, and more confident version of herself.

Opinions

The eating disorder expresses remorse for the pain it caused to Alexa, indicating a deep understanding of its negative impact.
It admits to being an unwelcome presence that took more than it gave, highlighting the parasitic nature of the disorder.
The disorder recognizes that it altered Alexa's personality and social interactions, leading to a loss of her true self.
It reflects on its own persistence and the difficulty Alexa faced in trying to rid herself of the disorder.
The eating disorder acknowledges Alexa's growth and strength in overcoming its influence, showing a respect for her resilience.
It hints at a continued presence, suggesting that the disorder, while regretful, remains a part of Alexa's life, albeit from a distance.
The letter conveys a sense of shame and embarrassment for the past actions of the disorder, indicating a shift in perspective over time.

A letter to my college self

Dear college Alexa,

I’m so sorry I dimmed your bright light. I’m sorry I took so much from you, and you received nothing but some of the deepest pain you’ve ever felt in return. I need to get this off my chest…

I watched you in the shadows for a long time. We didn’t get a chance to formally meet until you were entering your freshman year at Michigan State University.

Oh, the promise! You had the entire world at your finger tips. Happy. Smart. Ready to take on a new chapter! Transitions were something you were good at. This transition was supposed to be no different.

I watched silently as you moved in, got settled into your dorm room, and started to map out all of your classes. Officially a Spartan!

And then we met.

What a time it was at first! We’d flirt, but I was shy. We’d have a fleeting interaction every once in a while. Nothing major. You’d deny we had any connection at all.

But I stuck around. For a long time. And over that time we got very comfortable with each other.

I wasn’t silently watching anymore. I was loud. I was with you everywhere. I slowly wanted more and more of your time, your energy. And I took it all without really asking. I should have at least asked. Soon, I was all consuming.

I watched as you morphed. As you shrank. You were once such a light. I saw all of that go away.

Growing closer to me meant retreating from everyone and everything you loved. And soon, you began to look and act so much different than I remembered you before you walked onto campus.

I saw you try to immerse yourself in all the regular college things, but I couldn’t let you do it.

Those who were meeting you for the first time- your sorority sisters, your classmates, professors- were meeting a timid, shy, awkward, less confident side of you. That wasn’t you. I knew that deep down. I took a radiant girl and I made her lesser. I don’t think you even recognized yourself.

I held your hand tightly through it all. I stood in the way of so many important things. You were supposed to be out loving life, and yet I kept pulling you away. Sometimes just to hang out with me in secret. Sometimes to hang out with people who knew all about me and didn’t like me consuming so much of you. All that time you spent with those people who were trying to make you see me for what I am. So much wasted, misplaced time.

You got weaker and weaker. And then some parts of you just stopped working. I enjoyed it at the time. Admittedly, as a reflect, it was hard to watch.

No more shiny Alexa.

I’m not sure why you hung out with me for so long. I recognize I wasn’t right for you. You had so much potential, so much good to give. I take responsibility.

Over time, we started to distance. When you thought our relationship would end, here I was again. Ready for you. And you’d take me back with open arms. You were always so thoughtful and inviting.

Eventually, you found me too exhausting. That back and forth drew you further and further from me. My grip on you started to loosen. I like to think I let you go, but you grew stronger and let me go instead.

I know you don’t think about me the same way anymore. You grew older and wiser. You listened to all those people who didn’t like me much. You stopped picking up when I called, didn’t budge when I screamed for you.

We don’t talk anymore. At least, not like we used to. And so I’ll watch you from a distance again. I tend to keep to myself nowadays but a part of me will always be here for you. If you ever need me…

But you’re back to the girl you were before we met. You may even be a better version of Alexa now. Stronger, wiser, confident again. Congratulations. I know that must have taken a lot of guts.

I’ve carried my shame and embarrassment for what I did to you for so long. I’m just writing to say I’m sorry, college Alexa. I’m sorry for all of the joy, the time, the energy I took from you. I’m sorry that we were so close for so long. I’m sorry I made you change into a you you didn’t even like.

After all this time, I am truly sorry.

Regretfully,

Your Eating Disorder