A Letter to My 12-Year-Old Self

Forgive and learn but don’t forgive and forget

My mum stood in the alleyway. I tried to run to her but my legs couldn’t move. A small smile reached her lips as she turned on her heel and walked through the tunnel. I started to choke. My thoughts were refusing to make words and force them out of my mouth. I could feel my throat straining and buckling to try and release the unhappiness within. The blackness engulfed her. Angry tears wet my cheeks. In my heart, I knew this was the last goodbye.

Dear 12-year-old self,

Your world will become a blur for you and you will face a heavy hardship, one that will change every angle of your life. You may not think this to be true. You may ignore my message but the time will come when life will seem very unfair to you.

It will be an instant. A moment where time stops and the days will start to roll into each other. You will move through weeks and months of feeling disconnected, almost like a ghost looking at yourself from a distance. You will not be ready for this. But then, no one who goes through this will be.

But you need to heed my words before it comes.

You are young; not yet an adult, no longer a child.

You will find the world disconnected and support is scarce, even unheard of. Your journey to the other side will be one of loneliness and hardship.

Decisions will be made and you will not have the right mind to know whether it is a good decision or a bad one.

You will change. You will lose the ability to recognize who you are and who you are not. Your faith will be compromised.

You will cry, wishing you were strong enough to keep going.

You will push through life for a very long time doing what you think you should instead of doing what you would like.

You will reach a point where you can not go any further. And this will be the point where your feet will finally connect to the ground.

What you need to remember now is to keep going.

Keep moving forward. Keep your head up. Keep your compassion and patience. Your smile will be your hope. Your smile will be the connection with others. Your smile will be your weapon. Your laughter is what will keep the darkness at bay.

These are the gifts you need to pass onto others who are facing a low end.

But remember, don’t blame yourself. You could not have done any better. You could not have read the signs of what is about to happen. It will happen regardless, but you are strong enough to seek the right path.

As I look upon you now, I have nothing but forgiveness for you.

I forgive you because you didn’t know what you were doing at the time. I forgive you when you were trying to help others before yourself. I forgive you for when you put your feelings aside for everyone else to be happy.

I forgive you.

For now, the future will hold us to what we do now. Our future decisions will never be the wrong ones, but ones which will guide us to where we need to be.

And we will get there, eventually. It just takes time.

From your 34-year-old self.

This story is published in Koinonia — stories by Christians to encourage, entertain, and empower you in your faith, food, fitness, family, and fun.

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