A Letter To 16-Year-Old (And Pregnant) Me

Looking back at the struggles that make us who we are

I was a teen mom way before it was cool — back when it wasn’t. I became pregnant while in the tenth grade, two months after my sixteenth birthday. The stigma then wasn’t nearly as bad as it would have been a generation earlier if my mother had gotten pregnant at the same age and still in high school, but it definitely wasn’t glorified with its own reality show just yet.

I had missed many days of school my freshman year being an adventurous fifteen-year-old. Growing up in Miami, it was hard to resist skipping school to hop on a bus and head to the beach or to roam the halls of the Biltmore Hotel.

At the beginning of my sophomore year, I was summoned to the school administrative office and told I would be sent to the alternative school if I had any more unexcused absences.

Then I discovered I was pregnant.

Although I had been making a sincere effort at being a less disastrous student and taking my high-school education more seriously that year, my efforts were no match for the severity of morning sickness. With the realization of defeat, I asked my mother to withdraw me, and made a promise that I would obtain my GED as soon as the baby was born.

The memories of those days and the struggles my family and I endured are still so fresh in my mind. It’s hard to believe three decades have passed since I sat in that office with my mother as she filled out the necessary paperwork to withdraw me, and then cried as we walked out of the building. Her dreams for her only child, shattered —at least for that moment.

The baby girl that was born six months later is about to celebrate her thirtieth birthday, and that milestone is just as important to me as it is for her. In my case, what was thought to be an unfortunate experience at the time, turned out to be nothing short of divine serendipity.

I could have chosen to handle that situation differently, and there were those who thought I should. For many years after my daughter was born and into my twenties, I was still the teen mom in the eyes of so many. I was the youngest mother at all her school meetings, and it took quite a while to develop the confidence to speak up for myself.

Having never had the chance to grow into an adult and develop those necessary skills before I became a mother, part of me was still a child. I was set on a direct route from child to mother with no preparation or in-between rights of passage. No chance to learn the role before I was thrown on stage.

Eight months into my pregnancy, I wrote a letter to my unborn daughter that I still have tucked within the pages of her baby book. As I read the pages of that letter from time to time, I hear that frightened teenage mother-to-be within the inexperienced and child-like words; the only ones she could find at the time given her limited life experience.

Today, I write a letter to her.

Dear 16-year-old and pregnant Me,

I know how scared you are. You’re about to embark on a journey of motherhood and all you know about babies is that they usually smell funny and pull your hair when you hold them.

Sure, you have a friend or two with kids and you’re excited about dressing her up in all the cute outfits you were gifted with at your awkward baby shower where you felt so judged, but I know you’re still terrified.

You will be okay.

I offer some tips and wisdom as a congratulatory gift to you on the birth of the sometimes-smelly, but extraordinary being that will change your life:

• I know you haven’t had a lot of life experience yet, but follow your instincts. They’ll tell you what you should do. Your advantage is that you were just a kid too, so you have a better understanding of what she needs from you.
• Don’t worry about not fitting in with the other parents that are so much older than you. Confidence will come with time. Just continue to put your daughter first and being the best mom you can be. They’ll still know you’re young, but they’ll respect you for it.
• You’ll have to get used to scooping floating turds out of the bathwater, but don’t worry — eventually, you’ll manage to do it without gagging.
• Yes, she will give you just as much grief as you just gave your mother. Your other advantage is that since you were just there, you’ll pick up on attempts to be slick much quicker than an average-aged Mom.
• Always tell her how she saved your life.
• Although you’ll feel horribly guilty for taking those pictures of her screaming with fear over the talking Big Bird you got her for her first birthday while you laugh hysterically, the memory will be worth it later.
• This life is going to be hard since you have no idea what you’re doing, but remember, most new mothers don’t anyway. She will make you a stronger person, and you’ll never miss what you didn’t get to do. She will be your daughter and she will be your best friend.
• Make sure you remember to throw the dirty diapers in the covered trash can instead of leaving them on the bed in your rush out the door. You will otherwise come home to a shredded, pee-soaked cotton catastrophe covering the floor of the house if the dogs get to them.
• People will underestimate you and want to label you. You will prove them wrong.
• You’ll have more children — three more. But you will never have the same bond you have with her. She made you a mother.
• She won’t hold you back from following your dreams. There will be plenty of people to help you, and when you give your award speech for having the highest GPA in your graduation class in college, she will be the first face you spot in the crowd with the biggest smile. When you’re working two jobs, she will be the first one to love you when you come home.
• Twenty years from now, you'll hear her telling someone that she had the best childhood and she hopes she can be as strong as her mother.
• Just enjoy her. You may not have a car or a home of your own, but you will in time. Your bus-riding adventures with fold-up strollers will be great stories to tell her when she’s older, and she will be in awe over how you managed.

No matter how hard it gets, just hang in there. You have everything that you need to do this — within you. What’s about to happen will be one of the greatest accomplishments of your life, and will make you the incredibly strong woman you will eventually become.

I’m so proud of you.

All my Love,

Forty-six-year-old You

As a now middle-aged woman with grown children, I often find myself ruminating over my life’s choices and the ways in which I’ve overcome its adversities. That first great challenge as a teen mother enabled me to approach life knowing, no matter how impossible life may seem at the time, things will always work out. And as they say: the greater the challenge, the sweeter the reward.

Today, I celebrate the struggles of womanhood, and the life of an amazing and independent woman who takes solo hiking trips on mountaintops with her dog and works two jobs. She’s loyal, intelligent, and most importantly, she loves without judgment.

I’d like to believe my experience had a hand in that.

My transition into motherhood wasn’t typical nor easy, but it shaped the values I would eventually decide to teach my children. Had it been any different, I may not have had the confidence and courage to withstand the challenges of the last three decades.

Here’s to thirty more years of conquering fears to make us the badass women that we are, thirty more years of memories…

and that stupid talking Big Bird.