A Letter Of Love & Forgiveness To God From A Heartbroken Daughter

I know you have been and are always listening

Hi God,

I know I ask a lot of you and that you have heard it all before from me.

It seems that I keep repeating myself over and over again.

My life turned into a prayer when mum was diagnosed with cancer. Do you remember the day she was in my kitchen, looking unwell? Then, finally, she told me something was wrong.

It was like the sign you had in front of me all along just came true.

I want to say I’m sorry. Sorry for all those times you spoke to me, and I didn’t listen.

The reason I turned a blind eye was that I didn’t want to face the one thing that would shatter my life.

I thought that if I ignored it & didn’t face reality, the pain wouldn’t be so bad.

But I was wrong.

Now I’m filled with overwhelming regret that I never felt before.

All those moments you showed me, to protect love and help me through — I chose to ignore. I hope you can forgive me, and I hope mum can too.

I have kept all her voice messages, her written notes, birthday cards, and all the beautiful little beads she used to make. I always saw her by the kitchen window, sunshine glowing, making those beautiful crosses. I’ve kept the ones she gave me.

Yesterday, I opened one of the cupboards and saw her coffee jar. At first, I didn’t realise it was hers, and then I remembered we didn’t always have the coffee she liked and would make one every afternoon before I came home from work.

Reality hit me — and I began to cry.

I will miss those days, God. I loved seeing her every afternoon when I came home from work. My daughter will miss the meals she made after school. My doggy will miss playing & sitting beside her of an afternoon when she would sit to read her books.

I search for images of mum on my phone.

There are so many. I look at them closely — she’s unrecognisable now.

How did this happen so fast? I forgot how she used to look before the disease took over.

God, did I shorten her life by forcing her into treatment? She went downhill from there. Now her body is so weak; she can barely walk or even breathe. My sister will call the hospital tomorrow -we don’t know what to do.

Mum wants to be at home — no more needles, pain and hearing about other patients in the ward dying.

I know the time is drawing near and that I’m lead by love — but my heart is still breaking.

The tears are falling again as I look at photos. Mum was happy, enjoying her life and helping people. She loved to hang out with friends and listen to your words in church.

Those days are all gone now. With lockdown, she listens to the church service online.

In my heart, I know she hasn’t got much time left. But, I look at the date now. It’s August 1st. That means there are nine more days until my birthday.

Remember last year when you told me that it might be the last birthday we celebrate together? It wasn’t a celebration because I was working until late. She left that evening, tired and bid me farewell. When I opened her present and read the card, I cried so much. Why did I let work get in the way of this precious moment — my biggest regret.

Again, I heard your words, and again, I thought it’s just me being over-emotional again — being silly. But now I know it wasn’t silly at all.

Why is it that when you talk, we don’t listen?

And now I sit here, knowing it’s almost the end, and there are so many things I wish I did — that I could have said.

I ask for you to forgive me and to show me how I, too, can forgive myself.

Regret in my heart grows, and it’s hidden behind the wall of painful memories — until it’s my own time to pass away.

Even though I know that her time is written in the book of your afterlife and called by you to be an angel — I still can’t let go.

Who can ever let go of their wonderful mum? So why is someone we love so hard to let go of — let alone say goodbye to forever? I will question this enough to know that her memory will be in my heart forever in hindsight, and for a while, the pain will sting the core of my being.

When she is gone, who is left behind to shower me with love? Will you be there to hold my hand when times become tough again? God, I don’t see any times harder than this very moment, sitting here writing this letter to you. I know you are listening.

You know all too well that it’s almost time for mum to go — and that’s why it’s so sad for me. I know it’s going to happen, and the anticipation of it hurts even more.

But, what will I do without her love and kindness? Who will show me that kindness when her soul reaches heaven, running into your arms?

Why do you take all the beautiful people too soon?

She was my sidekick, here on earth — we were inseparable. When she makes her way to you — I’ll be left here in pain, longing for her to hug me again. But you will have another angel.

One day we will meet again — but that time will be too long. I’ll be on my own, thinking of her, calling her name like I would when I needed her. But this time, she won’t answer.

Thank you, God, for giving me these moments. I’m a mess without her — and you gave me these final days as a gift— despite how hard they are on me.

It’s never easy seeing your parent weaken and become sick as each day passes. I don’t like to see her suffer — it’s so painful. But, unfortunately, the longer she’s here, the more pain she experiences.

Is she staying for me? Is she keeping her promise to me, staying until my birthday? Is she keeping that pact for her very last born baby — me?

I wait until you call her name — and before you do, I will keep the last moments with my mum that you bless upon me.

Until it’s time when It’s my turn to run into your arms — she will be standing beside you, waiting for me.