A Journey Through Change, Loss, and New Traditions

Christmas and how it’s changed throughout the years

When I was a child, I loved Christmas. I always believed it to be this magical time of year. New York City — my hometown — would put on its best face. I would watch the city transform before my eyes. The sparkle, the glitter, the apple polished in its finest and on its best behavior.

My father loved Christmas. His excitement for the holiday was contagious. However, decorating the tree was not something he enjoyed. He would get a little frustrated when it was time to put up the lights. With three eager young helpers underfoot and a tangle of bulbs — fuses that needed to be replaced — decorating the tree was not the Hallmark scene in our home.

My mother seemed like she just wanted to survive the season. In her younger years, she was tasked to do the decorating, most of the shopping, and all of the cooking and cleaning. I was her helper. Later on, when she could afford it — she hired others to do the cooking and cleaning so that she and the rest of the family didn’t have to hear Dad scream from the dinner table, “Diane! Diane! Come sit down!”

As a young single adult, the Christmas season was filled with festivities, parties, and winter fun. I would get all excited and go all out decorating my apartment. Finally, I was the one in charge of decorating the tree and the house — the way I wished. I had so much fun.

I loved how friendly people are that time of year. Even New Yorkers would be smiling as you passed them on the street or met them at the elevator. Greeting strangers with a “Merry Christmas!” or “Happy Holidays!” I felt the magic of the season all around me.

As a new parent, I cherished the opportunity to try to be one of Santa’s best elves and give my children a magical Christmas. I worked hard to preserve the mystery and magic of believing in Santa.

At the time, my husband (eventually my ex) said Santa didn’t wrap gifts. I knew immediately this could prove problematic with two children. Plus I grew up in a household where Santa wrapped the gifts he left. It was only a matter of time before an early morning curious 8-year-old crept down before we woke — switching the Pichachu for the Pokemon.

Later, I had to adjust to a new reality of what Christmas meant to me when I got divorced 18 years ago. The holiday that was once filled with too much family, too much food, and too much alcohol, leading to too much drama was whittled away over the years.

It was then that I learned that Christmas is a day that can be the toughest and loneliest day of someone’s life. You just want the day to be a normal day — just like any other day. After my divorce, holding on to the Christmas spirit was hard. Sometimes impossible. You can’t fake Christmas spirit.

The post-divorce holiday break became, I would have the kids for Christmas Eve and Christmas morning until 10am — then they would be with their Dad until New Year’s Day. The kids would want time to play with their gifts at home before going away. So they would wake me so early that I would barely be able to enjoy my time with them. I believe I fell asleep on the couch while they opened their gifts one of those years.

The house would be alive in those early morning hours with their excitement and glee. Wrapping paper would be everywhere — despite handing out trash bags before starting. “Deck the halls with boughs of holly! Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la!” the kids would be sing-screaming as I set the fire. Got to watch the time, he’ll be hear soon. My eye always on the clock.

Before we knew it, all the gifts were opened and the room was littered with wrapping paper. I’ll have all the time in the world to clean it when they are gone I would think. Let them play and enjoy their time with their new toys. Snap a photo, be sure to get the photos — capture the memories you are too tired to retain.

Ding dong! He’s there at the door. It’s time for them to go with him. Off to Vermont they go to more gifts and a big Christmas dinner with lots of their gram, aunts, and cousins to boot. I loved that the kids were surrounded by family and having fun. I, on the other hand, I would sink into a deep depression before their father’s car had left our street.

I would have to muster the energy — put the mask on and got to dinner with my parents, brothers and wives, sister and husband, nieces and nephews. Say “Merry Christmas” with a smile — each time a blade twisting in my heart. I’ve never felt more lonely in my life than being among other people at that time.

Eight years after my divorce, I became involved in a new relationship and the holidays took on a completely new shape. As our relationship grew, my desire and excitement to celebrate the Christmas was rekindled. I was less of a Scrooge and open to seeing and feeling the magic of the season.

As the kids grew into their adult lives, Christmas changed again. Sometimes, all three children are home, sometimes it’s just two, one or none. Celebrating Christmas became more about making myself and my fiance happy and not living the holiday for the kids or other family.

It’s about sharing the quiet moments of the holiday with someone special. Curling up together on the couch to watch whatever it is we want to watch. Going outside and playing a winter version of lawn darts — the colorful rings really stand out against the white of the snow. Snowmobiling, ice skating, sitting together in front of the fire.

So, what does Christmas mean to me? It means a whole bunch of things — all wrapped into one. It’s not about the presents you give or receive. It’s about being present. It’s about sharing a little bit of your inner magic with someone or someones special. Christmas is the good, the bad, and the ugly sweater.

This week was challenging, but I had fun decorating the tree and putting out my Santas. I plan to make sugar cookies for the family to enjoy the weekend leading into Christmas. Markus-Unrealious and I are planning on starting some new traditions — family lawn darts in the snow. I wanted to do this at Thanksgiving, but the weather wasn’t cooperative, so I am hoping to be able to get a few games in over the Christmas break.

As we approach Christmas, I also have been thinking about all the loved ones we have lost — my mother, who died in February 2021; my ex-husband, who died June 2022; and my father, who died January 2 of this year. Each one of them was larger than life, and the voids they left behind are something that we are still working on to fill. But there will always be a lingering presence of their spirit in every family gathering, in the stories we share, and in the traditions they left behind.

I wish everyone a joyous holiday season. May you be happy, may you be healthy, may you live with ease.