Humor
A Human’s View of Puppies: Those Cuddly, Adorable Balls of Innocence
How your new puppy trains you, and what you can do about it
Congratulations! You’ve just adopted a puppy. That cute little ball of playful innocence and adoring eyes. She (or he) is lovable, cuddly, and charming.
Just think. Soon, every time you return home, you’ll be greeted by your best friend, overjoyed to see you and show you what a “good puppy” they’ve been.
(Insert lengthy record scratch sound.)
Hahaha just kidding. Welcome to the conniving world of puppies, where every moment they’re awake is a test of wills, and every moment they’re asleep is a time for heavy sighs and wilting regrets.
Puppies are not the innocent creatures you think they are. If they were, Keke’s Guide to Training Your Human would not exist. For beneath that fluffy exterior lies a cunning mind whose purpose is to exert the dominance of the alpha dog in your house. And rest assured — that alpha dog is not you. That doesn’t mean your puppy doesn’t love you and isn’t “man’s best friend.” It just means you’re in for a battle of wills and you need to arm yourself with the tools for full-scale war.
This story diverges from the normal Keke’s Guide blog post, which is typically written exclusively by Keke. In this story, she has granted me permission to write a blog post from the human viewpoint. It’s your chance to hear from Public Enemy Number One: the human who thinks he rules the roost. Beware: final editing and redaction of this story may be done at the pleasure of the editor-in-chief, Keke.
What’s in a name?
You’re used to thinking of the animal you just brought home as your puppy. They, on the other hand, refer to you as their human. Minor point-of-view issue, you think?
Not so. It’s a question of who’s in charge. And to understand puppies, you need to understand what they want. Total world domination?
No, just your house and yourself. Unfettered access to your food, your furniture, your floors, and your constant attention.
Teething
Let’s face it, growing a new set of chompers is no fun for a pup any more than it is for a human baby, and the time-tested salve for teething pain is to chew something. So, why not your furniture, your smartphone, or your fingers?
And while you’ve probably spent a small fortune on chew sticks and dog toys, they often lack the delightful taste of a chair leg or the ready accessibility of a human appendage. Puppies also need to explore the world, and their mouth is the favored way to do it. Two birds with one stone.
When you are away from the house, chewing on “forbidden fruit” has the added value of punishment: punishing you for leaving your best friend alone while you go out. Your puppy wants to make you fear leaving them alone, and these lessons start early.
What to do about it? Crate training can help when puppy needs to be left alone, but the guilt you will feel as she cries and looks at you with that doleful expression will haunt you as long as you’re gone, making you cut your date short or hire a puppy sitter.
My advice:
House training
This can be a trying time for all as you attempt to trade praise and treats for an unsoiled floor and furniture. Unfortunately, puppy knows it and has greater patience than you. Again, crate training can help but is only a temporary solution. You’ll want her to quickly graduate to pee pads and then to the outside.
Treats can help, but my experience with Keke taught me that not all dogs are food-motivated. They also have a short memory. Or perhaps they have a long memory and are masters of befuddlement.
The bottom line is that house training requires you to treat puppy with love, patience, and consistent training. Or puppy will consistently train you.
Constant attention
Puppies, like human babies, want your undivided attention. Given their adorable looks, their innocent disposition, and the impression of total helplessness, it’s easy to see why we want to give it to them.
If you’re of the persuasion that likes female companions, you’ve likely heard that puppies are “chick magnets,” but this can be a double-edged sword. When you’re out walking your cute little four-legged companion through a nearby outdoor shopping area, the girls will fawn with expressions like, “Oooh, what a cute puppy!” And then pepper you with questions. Great conversation starters.
The problems start when you return home alone, and the female attention is no longer there. You’ll be expected to take up the slack, which means putting up with whining or barking until you give the extra attention that puppy expects.
Or, if you succeed at bringing one of those magnetized chicks home, she’ll want to spend every waking moment giving her attention to puppy, and very few to you.
Either way, you lose.
Conclusion
As the saying goes:
If you’d like to read Keke’s rebuttal to this story, you can find it here:
And here’s a related story you might enjoy:
You might also consider following Keke’s Guide:
Tagging some of my favorite authors on Medium (please let me know if you’d like to be added or removed): Lu Skerdoo, Trisha Faye, Dawn Ulmer, Jay Squires, Freya V. Locke, Patricia O'Neill, Laurie Leiker, Judy Haratz Cohen