A Hex For An Ex
A spooktacular short story comedy for Halloween!
How dare he.
First the man has the audacity to flirt with the waitress while we’re out for dinner. Now he dumps me by text.
The simple-minded fool has no idea who he’s messing with.
You see, most girls have their cliques, or their group of gal pals they go shopping with or bar hopping on night’s out.
I, on the other hand, have my coven.
That’s right, I’m a witch. And a pretty powerful one, if I do say so myself.
In fact, the last guy who thought he could get one over on me is still swimming in a fish tank located in my apartment’s cosy little living room. Todd, however, and yes, his name is Todd, a red flag in itself of course but I digress, he was even worse.
You see, I recently discovered that a frenemy of mine placed a curse upon me to ruin my love life, and she’ll be dealt with later, I assure you. Anyway, this apparently brought many Todds into my life, but the latest Todd was the bottom of the barrel. He mocked my clothing choices (how was my velvet pointed hat ridiculous? It was all the rage with witches this year, I’ll have you know!) and constantly put me down in front of his buddies to make himself look better.
Yes, Todd was the absolute worst. And I was finally going to give him exactly what he deserved, which is why I am now sitting on the floor of my dinky little apartment with a large cauldron bubbling in front of me.
Around me are jars of various ingredients and a spell book that I inherited from my late mother. She accidentally blew herself up while trying to charm a new setting onto her vibrator, god rest her soul.
I flip to the page in the book that my mother showed me many years ago, a spell only to use in the case of the most douche bag of boyfriends. Todd was the perfect genuine pig to test this hex on, so in that aspect I was grateful to have dated him. It was always very exciting testing out new curses on people!
Anyway, I begin to chant the words of the spell that my mother created and drop in the ingredients along the way.
“On this night of Old Hallows Eve, Hear me now as I do plead, Take this eye of newt and wax of bees, To bring the wrong doer to his knees. Add some fairy wings and diamond dust, To cockblock this sinner’s lust, Curse his loins with crocodile tears, Bring to life his greatest fears, And with some of this lothario’s hair, Magic, tonight, hear my prayer”.
With the spell finished, the cauldron began to glow an iridescent purple. A shimmery gas filled the air and wafted out of my window, heading in the direction of the incel that thought I didn’t see him slip his phone number to the waitress as we left our dinner the previous night.
I quickly grab my crystal ball and mutter a quick locator spell. The orb brings up a vision of Todd in his apartment. He’s on his sofa, arm around the waitress that he had hit on. He really thought he’d go unpunished for this attempt at humiliation.
No one messed with a witch of the Shadow Coven.
The purple mist drafted in through Todd’s opened window — ha, too easy — and sank into the oblivious man. Just as he leaned in to kiss the attractive blonde, a large fart rippled from his behind causing his face to suddenly go white.
“Sorry, I need to just use the bathroom. I’ll be a sec”, he told her but as he rushed to get up, a horribly distinctive squelch came out. The waitress scrunched her face up in disgust.
“What the hell?”
“It must have been the chicken, wait, Carrie, come back!” Todd pleaded as his date rushed out of the apartment that was probably filled up with the foul stench of evidence that the pathetic man had soiled himself.
I put the orb away with a smile.
Todd won’t be getting far with many dates for a while.