A Guy Friend Asked Me for Oral Sex Advice

Here’s my detailed response.

I had the strangest conversation the other day about oral sex. It was odd because it was so unexpected. And because I used to date the guy.

It was a weird, short, non-relationship type situation. An intense crush on both our ends that soon fizzled out after one and a half rounds or so of clumsy, unsatisfying (for me anyway) sex. I’ve always liked his personality, so we remained friends and still chat from time to time. Mostly via text. And mostly when it’s late and one or both of us are drunk.

Randomly and not very often, we’ll chat during the day. The other day, while I was at work, I got the typical small-talk message from him: “Hey. What’s up?”

It was a point in the afternoon where I badly needed to recharge with a mental break in order to get to that next burst of productivity. So we caught up a bit, mostly both of us complaining about the final season of Game of Thrones while I mindlessly sorted work emails. Then, the convo took a strange yet fascinating turn.

It Went Something Like This

Him: Can I ask you a question?

Me: Should I say “You just did”? Haha!

Me: Jk. Go for it.

Him: Touché!

Him: I shouldn’t…

Him: I probably have sex on the brain.

Me: You probably do.

[Not at all unusual for him.]

Me: I’ve been feeling pretty much the opposite lately, but feel free to ask away.

[Insert flashing ellipses here as he types, revises, and types again.]

Him: If a guy’s going down on you, how do you like him to do it? Specifically, how do you like your clit to be licked? Do you like him to just lick it or would you like having it sucked? Would you like his tongue to go inside you or…what?

Cue Sound Of Record Scratching

WAIT! Stop…hold the phone. I was not at all surprised by the personal, sexual nature of the question. That’s all well and good. He and I both happen to be over-analytical sex nerds, and that has carried over into our friendship. We don’t sext, but we talk about different sexual topics. Discussing sex in detail with friends, male or female, dating history or no, is something I enjoy.

What really struck me was the very first thought this question brought to my mind. And it had nothing to do with the technical answer he was seeking.

I gave him my first and honest response:

Me: You know, no one’s ever asked me that before…

But…why not? I thought as I typed out my reply. Well, let’s be honest. The voice in my head sounded a lot huffier than that. It was more like: Whyyyyyyyyyeeee NOT?

I left that train of thought for the moment, ready to jump right into the nitty-gritty. It was that beautiful moment in our digital world when the person you’re chatting with stops typing and gives you the floor, virtually.

What follows is my personal take on that consistently unasked question about oral sex for women: How do you like it?

Straight from a woman who REALLY likes it.

My real reply to him was a shorter version of what follows. I’ve elaborated here for educational purposes.

Attention: The very last item is absolutely the most important.

Pre Oral Sex: Building Anticipation Is Delicious

Some preliminary making out is delightful and makes the end result that much more explosive. Once you’ve thoroughly kissed my lips, my neck, and my breasts — licking and sucking my nipples with your tongue while your hands explore my entire body to the point that I can’t take it anymore (because there are definitely electrical wires connecting my nipples to my lower parts) — feel free to make your way on down for the main event.

Start Slowly

Once you’re face to face with my beautiful lady bits, go slow. This is Part 2 of the buildup. Don’t just start stabbing at my clit with your tongue — you’re not a swashbuckling pirate wielding your pointy sword. You can start with kissing and licking around my most sensitive part — on the skin between my inner thighs and my mound, up and down my labia, above and below my clit, inside my vagina...feel free to explore. Lavish attention everywhere but my there. For a few deliciously torturous moments, at least.

First Contact

When you connect your tongue to my clit that very first time, spread the labia with your fingers and go slow and gentle. Make sure your tongue is lubricated with plenty of saliva. One wonderfully pleasurable move is to wet your fingers inside me, then use those fingers to massage my clit gently before your tongue makes contact. Or after. It’s all good.

Either way, when my clit is ready for your lips and tongue, start by basically making out with it. Wrap your lips around it and use your tongue as you might when we are slowly kissing. But instead of deftly mingling your tongue with mine, it’s mingling with my clit.

Focus On My Body’s Response

Pay close attention to my reactions as you go. How I’m breathing, how I’m vocalizing pleasure, how I’m raising my hips to eagerly meet your mouth and tensing my muscles — this all means I want you to kick it up a notch. When I press the top of your head down and say “Harder,” that’s a pretty good hint, too.

Ramp It Up!

At this point, I’m having a pretty damn good time, and I’ll want you to increase pressure and speed. Alternate between sucking and licking. A variety of multiple amazing sensations tends to give me the best orgasms.

Make your tongue pointy and flick my clit hard, again and again (and again). Flatten your tongue and lick up and down and then in a circular motion. Try keeping your tongue still and using your head and neck to make these motions so you can avoid fatigue.

And definitely use your fingers inside me too once things get going. Thrust them in and out as you work your tongue and aim them up toward the front wall of my vagina when they are inside. Try keeping them inside me after a few thrusts and just massage my front wall. Go harder with them the closer I am to coming.

Side note: At some point in this elaborate and complex process, you should also be using your other hand to play with my nipples, which will basically drive me to the edge. Lubricate your fingers first. It’s glorious. (The ability to multitask is your friend.)

When I’m extremely close, you’ll need to just go to town with your tongue on my clit. Fingers inside my vagina intensify my orgasm, so do keep that up.

The Big Moment

If you’ve taken your time and completed the above tasks, an incredible, overwhelming orgasm will explode from my core outward as I forget my own name and the world around me. It will consume my entire body and make the walls of my vagina pulsate around your fingers. You’ll be able to feel it.

Don’t stop everything and be still in this moment — keep going, because this feels absolutely fucking incredible. You can let up when I start to squirm and close my legs and beg you to stop because it’s all become too intense, my parts too sensitive.

The Key To Successful Oral Sex

Notice that I wrote this all from my own perspective. This is not “How to give a woman the best oral sex of her life.” It’s more personal than that, and it’s not one-size-fits-all. Almost nothing of a sexual nature is.

Before you think about your technique the next time you go down on a woman, do not forget this one crucial step: Ask her what she likes!

She may not be as generous with her words as I am. She may be shy or unsure about how to answer, and so she may not give you much to go on. In that case, come prepared. Read up on various techniques published by real, honest women and avoid porno theatrics. If the woman you’re with prefers focusing on actions rather than words, try the techniques you know and pay close attention to her responses. Every woman and every body is different, and personal preferences vary more than you can imagine. Make sure she’s warmed up and ready for an incredible orgasm, and eventually, you’ll find what works for her.

Now — I’m still wondering why no man has ever asked me for this explanation right before he goes down on me. More often than not, I’m realizing that it’s up to me to vocalize what I like, and that’s not always the easiest thing to do.

For the man or woman who wants to give their female partner the absolute best experience — ask her what she wants. Connect with her not just on a physical level, but on an intellectual one as well. It seems obvious, but in my experience, it’s like this top-secret key to the best sex in the world that a whole lot of people have yet to discover.