HUMOR
A Guide to Urinating on Furniture: By Your Cat
A purrfect guide to avoiding catastrophes
In case this is a bipedal creature reading this, please pass the screen to your significant other. Of course, I mean your feline companion. His name is probably Mr. Pringles. This guide is for him.
In between my rigorous daily routine of 20-hour naps and scratching every couch in the home, I like to pee. On everything. All-day long. (Which is about 3 hours.)
But it’s troubling me lately. I keep hearing about a not-so-amewsing topic from some of my friends. It’s infurryating.
Human roommates chastising noble felines for peeing on things.
It’s already bad enough that humans think they own the place. But no, they have to go further. Scolding, rolled-up newspaper smacks, water sprayed from a magical bottle in the face.
Are you kitten me?
So I, a majestic feline of fur-midable years, have decided to bless you with my knowledge on this most benevolent of professions.
For the kittens
For the young kitty out there, firstly, welcome to our noble race. Secondly, you should learn some key things sooner rather than later.
- Many humans are untrained in our ways — they don’t even pee on hydrants.
- Looking cute is an artform — abuse it.
- All milk in the house, no matter where, is always assumed to be yours.
You should also perfect the art of urination. Humans pretend they don’t love it when we pee on their things. But trust me, they do.
Some of them though, like Samantha, may not actually enjoy it. Avoid Samanthas. She’s also a shitty petter.
The main additional piece of advice I have fur you is to avoid electronics.
Sure, that toaster would make such scrumptious smelling bread in the morning with a little speckle of yellow. But the risk is not worth the reward.
No one likes a toast kitty.
Other electronics to watch out for:
- Christmas lights — but feel free to go all over the tree itself.
- Laptop keyboards — no danger except the raging human an hour later.
- The garbage disposal in the sink — just don’t. Trust me.
For the graying cat
If you, like myself, are getting a bit older (at least over 10 human years), then we have other concerns. Sometimes we just can’t help where we pee. But I want to assure you, there are effective ways to fight this.
Pee-emptive strikes.
If you pee a little throughout the day, you’ll save yourself from that embarrassing burst on Cathy’s favorite chair. Instead, my advice is to cut corners as much as possible.
Throughout the day, pee a little bit in each corner.
Not only will it mark the entire house as yours, but the refreshing scent of processed milk will encapsulate your senses.
Favorite places to go
Be sure to add these to your skillset for non-stop pee glee:
- Humans love it when you add some flavor to their morning coffee, just make sure they aren’t looking and add only one spoonful.
- A dog’s water bowl makes a perfect toilet.
- If a human makes themselves a bowl of cereal, they don’t mind sharing a bit. Why else would they go back to the kitchen to get a spoon?
- Pee dries if applied to surfaces early enough in the morning.
- Plants — indoor or outdoor — it doesn’t matter. They all need watering.
