A Guide To Software Company Swag
The good, the bad, and the just plain ugly of the new starter’s generally disappointing haul.
I have been browsing LinkedIn for some time now. Genuinely, I don’t know how I got into it, as it certainly wasn’t for job hunting. It can be a gruelling exercise wading through the endless tired memes, the self-aggrandising crap, and ‘motivational’ nonsense. But, it does have one thing going for it.
It’s a great source of inspiration when writing about the recruitment and interview side of the grand game of software engineering.
But, aside from the well know laugh-in of recruitment, there’s also much comedy gold to be mined when it comes to the antics of new hires¹ at a company. No, it’s not the ‘sunny office location’ (never mention the 2 hour commute) or the ‘free snacks’ (cheaper to buy your own than commute), it’s the (usually company branded) swag that they post during their first week at whatever sweat shop or other has them newly on their books.
Do new hires get generally excited about a cardboard box full primarily of packing with a few tacky plastic items concealed inside?
I can’t imagine someone freely posting examples of company ‘care’, ‘generosity’, or ‘wellbeing’ packages of their own free will, so I’m guessing it must be some widespread HR indoctrination exercise to grab more staff not by paying them market rates, but by offloading worthless dross from the stationery cupboard or skip out the back where employees go for a secret smoke at lunchtime.
Let’s take a deep dive, as it were, into the magical swag skip (sorry, bag) and do some borderline offensive deconstruction.
Our usual modus operandi, if you will — viewing anything a company does ‘for us’ or ‘for free’ with heightened suspicion.
Common Swag
Stationery
The most common forms of swag do literally come straight from the company stationery cupboard that you could have either helped yourself to on your first day or just bought the items yourself and put in a simple claim for expenses if you’re a remote worker.
I’ve seen gushing responses to company notepads and associated writing implements such as pencils as if they’ve recently been developed in a top secret (and suitably costly) research facility and new employee number 3343a is just overjoyed to be blessed with such advanced writing materials.
Propelling pencils can bring tears to the eyes of new starters¹, though they’re less popular than standard pencils as they’re obviously more expensive to send to people rather than be kept locked safely away by HR².
Utilities
I can’t think of a general term for this class of jetsam other than things that the company would think are useful to their employees, that they might carry around with them and offer free advertising were they to be seen using them.
Such items usually include water bottles — cheaper companies go for carcinogenic plastic variants, most go for some kind of unknown metal alloy that will most likely cause your hair to fall out and make your urine turn green.
To be fair we already have a half-dozen or so of these sitting at the back of a kitchen cupboard in the queue for recycling or landfill.
Other items may include phone cases, stickers and decals for office equipment, bags for laptops or ‘gym gear’ (we’re software engineers for heaven’s sake), and even pen holders, wrist rests, and coasters.
I suppose we’re supposed to decorate our desks with this stuff, but again it’s mostly straight out the stationery cupboard and has probably been there for an incredibly long time as — spoiler — no-one wants it.
Electronics
It is absolutely not special to be given a laptop, tablet, or phone by the company if your job requires you to have one in order to function.
Being shackled with an electronic device of servitude and HR espionage is not something to be celebrated, it’s just what happens when you actually do work³ these days.
I guess you could be duly pleased if you’re given a Mac over some plastic PC, but a progressive engineer would never expect to work with anything that doesn’t come in unibody aluminium these days anyway.
I’ve seen calculators from time to time and much like bags (see later) they’re an item that a software engineer will either choose for themselves physically, via an App Store, or just not bother and use the default OS one they have. Any other calculator, particularly ones made in company colours with no actual scientific functions are, as outlined in the next section, what I like to call ‘zero cost landfill’ or ‘a gift for a manager at Christmas’.
Any kind of power bank, just forget it — they’re usually Vape sized and able to recharge about 10% of an iPhone at best due to their usually questionable provenance (due again to their low cost). Best to hand these straight back if you ever see one, or just send it to local battery recycling and cut out the unhappy and disappointed middle-man.
Zero Cost Landfill
Lately, the drones in charge of company swag have started to get imaginative with regard to what’s sent out, trying to break away from the usual jetsam but rigidly staying with the ‘zero cost to the company’ diktat of old.
A classic item is something like a ‘webcam cover’ — i.e. a piece of cardboard, or plastic, that is clipped to the top of the company laptop to give you the illusion of having privacy and being valued by the company. Frankly, when I’m paranoid I use electrical tape or duck tape myself — something that I’d value far more in a company swag bag than a folded piece of cardboard.
Another is a ‘wireless speaker’ — think of something akin to Amazon Basics, Tesco Value, or PoundStretcher level of quality with all of the audio fidelity of a 1960s mono transistor radio from the USSR.
Yes, yes, I know there’s a place for such products but when your company laptop (or even your own devices) come with such overwhelmingly better quality right out of the box then a company supplied ‘wireless speaker’ is just landfill, again, waiting to happen.
I’d put ‘keepcups’ or ‘travel mugs’ in this bracket too (and not under utilities with company branded water bottles) as they have a very subtle difference.
You see, the company has to actually pay from its own pocket for a water bottle but with a reusable cup they’ve most likely bagged a grant from something or other and are most likely using it as an exercise in greenwashing.
What better way to advertise (for that’s really what it’s all about) the company’s commitment to ‘green’ than having employees all photographed⁴ with their company branded ‘keepcups’ on their first day, on the Underground, on a beach, or relaxing at their home office desk?
One last thing is what I like to call the ‘nondescript bag’.
It’s something between a holder for spectacles (glasses), toiletries, or keycaps depending on your daily needs. Thing is, it’s really not useful for anything in particular as it’s just too small and its contents can all just be put in a compartment of another bag. You’ll know this item when you see it as you’ll be looking at it and wonder what on earth it’s supposed to actually do.
Apparel
No need to beat around the bush here but ‘walking advert’ is the better definition, much like it is for most brands these days.
The key thing is, if you’re buying a branded apparel product you’re probably not going to be choosing to buy it from a software company.
Company t-shirts have always been out there, but in the vast majority of cases they just end up being used to wash down the car, clean up after the cat, or are thrown to mould quietly and insidiously in the corner of the garage⁵.
Anything else on display I’m just going to say that you’re going to have to pay me extra to walk around with a software company’s logo emblazoned on me in some fashion (no pun intended).
There’s also the possible negative connotation if your company’s a bit suss in some way — some people may take offence at
You know how it goes — it would have to be free for someone to be wearing it and there’s a very good reason for that⁶.
I’m going to throw in backpacks here too (pun totally intended) as they, for the progressive software engineer, are an item of great and individual important.
Much time, great research, and literally endless resources go into finding just the right one for you — you know it, I know it. A standard black backpack with zero padding, rubbish straps, zero cost zip compartments, and the company logo straddling it are just not going to cut it. It’s going to end up in a 2nd hand shop and that, really, isn’t the look the company should be going for.
Consumables
Token mini bottle of Prosecco? Fine if you’re the target demographic, but for an ageing software practitioner such as myself I’d find this a little incongruous.
Chocolate? Sure, send it on. Oh wait, it’s a 50g bar? On the other hand I’ll just pop down to Tesco and get 500g for a couple of Euro and we’re all good. Besides, it’s most likely in bits due to the postal service, melted and reformed several times due to the heat, or dark chocolate (no-one really likes that).
Actually Useful Swag
I do have one or two exceptions of generally useful or just fun things that don’t immediately yell ‘walking advert’ at me when I see, or experience, them.
I do personally like swag socks. They do tend to be less common due to the fact that they’re hard to advertise from unless you’re walking around shoe-less (or upside down with your shoes off) which also is uncommon in the modern world. I have some myself⁷.
One other foot related item is a decent foot rest (though again, you could possibly get these from the stationery cupboard or as a work-from-home expense), but it’s a nice touch and something useful as long as it’s not made of cheap plastic and will hold the weight of your feet for a while. The ones with knobs, or little balls, on are particularly pleasing.
As they live under your desk company branding isn’t an issue here unless it suggests they were made extremely cheaply, of course.
I’ve seen Apple’s AirTags given as swag (unopened of course, lest the company stalk you like someone trying to evade the secret police), which is thoughtful — as long as you don’t have to give them back that is.
Other than that, I really can’t think of anything particularly pleasant I’ve either been given, or seen given, that’s of any particular use.
As usual, buyer (well, receiver) beware, and don’t be afraid to hand it back or donate it to a second hand shop if you don’t like it or can’t use it.
Landfill, sadly is a final option, perhaps HR could work on a company swag recycling project?
[1]: HR Code for ‘new employees’ or ‘people who have just joined the company’. [2]: You may note that HR is often located in close proximity to the stationery cupboard. It’s one of their primary duties — dictatorial control over supplies for both the worlds of the living (developers) and the un-living (office stationery and management). [3]: By work I mean writing software and not home shopping, booking a nail appointment, renting a sports car for the weekend, or checking the local golf courses of TripAdvisor like most non-technicals. [4]: You call it Instagrammed if you like, I won’t. [5]: In the old times houses had garages before they were turned into sitting rooms, teenager’s bedrooms, or places to store toilet roll during the pandemic. [6]: No-one would even think of paying for it. [7]: Thanks, influxdata, by the way — I have a picture of their nice socks in a previous article and I’ll put one in here because I’m genuinely not all bad and do appreciate some stuff — note: I didn’t post it on LinkedIn either.
