A Guide to Closure When the Other Person Remains Unaccountable and Unapologetic

Don’t wait to heal because they won’t participate in your closure

Generally, human beings like tidy things. Neat endings. Stories tied up in a bow. Easy to understand, easier to accept. When a relationship ends, we might want a relationship moratorium to break down what went wrong, who’s at fault, and why something that started out with so much promise failed so spectacularly. Of course, relationships aren’t that easy, and life is messier than we ever imagined. Most of the time, we don’t get the closure we want. That doesn’t mean we can’t get the closure we need.

I used to be the kind of person who could forgive anyone if only they apologized and meant it. I needed that acknowledgement of wrongdoing and sincere regret to make peace with the past. I didn’t feel like it was a lot to ask. After all, I’m capable of apologizing and being accountable. It was only later, after years of therapy and personal growth, that I realized that waiting for an apology to heal was unrealistic. I was expecting other people to show up at my level of growth and maturity, and I was delaying my healing as a result.

In point of fact, we don’t need anyone else’s participation or permission to heal. We might prefer an apology and hope for accountability, but it’s superfluous to the healing journey. It’s not about them. It’s about us and how we feel about our lived experiences.

I’ve witnessed so many people reaching back into the past in hopes that they’ll get what they need to move forward, but it rarely works. What usually happens is this: Person A reaches out to Person B for validation, an apology, and some kind of accountability. Person B refuses to give it and might even attempt to gaslight or place the blame on Person A. Person A is hurt and reliving it all again; their healing is complicated and compromised.

It’s a good idea, in theory. It would be so nice if everyone had the ability to hold space for our pain, to acknowledge their role in it, and to do the work to make amends and repair the relationship. In an ideal world, every relationship would be tied up with a bow. No unanswered questions. No lingering hurt or anger. But that’s not the world we’re living in.

How to Heal When the Other Party Remains Unaccountable and Unapologetic

There’s a way to heal without involving the person or persons who caused our pain. We don’t need them for this part of the journey. We only need a willingness and desire to recover and grow.

Accept Help

While our recovery journey doesn’t require the participation of the other involved parties, it can require outside assistance. We need to be willing to seek out professional help. Seeing a mental health therapist was the single best thing I did for myself when I was recovering. It helped to have the space to talk about what I was feeling and to have an outside perspective to guide me toward personal accountability, healing, and forgiveness.

“Trauma is personal. It does not disappear if it is not validated. When it is ignored or invalidated the silent screams continue internally heard only by the one held captive. When someone enters the pain and hears the screams healing can begin.” ~Danielle Bernock

I didn’t need anyone from my past to apologize. I needed a professional who could help me understand why the past still felt so present. Through the process of trauma therapy (specifically eye movement desensitization and reprocessing, or EMDR), I was able to work through my feelings and integrate my experiences. I learned how to respond to the present rather than constantly reacting to my past.

Be Accountable

Holding everyone else accountable is easy. Holding ourselves accountable can be one of the most challenging things we’ll ever do. It’s so much easier to play the victim and find fault in the other person than to look at how our actions can also be harmful.

We think that hurt has to be intentional, but most of us don’t hurt other people on purpose. Why then do we assume that other people hurt us with forethought and malice? Holding ourselves accountable can help give a broader perspective in any relationship. Depending on the situation, it can help us be more compassionate to the other party, or it can help empower us to make different choices in the future as we recognize our patterns. It can also help us take ownership for hurt we’ve caused, however unintentional.

“Vulnerability is the birthplace of love, belonging, joy, courage, empathy, and creativity. It is the source of hope, empathy, accountability, and authenticity. If we want greater clarity in our purpose or deeper and more meaningful spiritual lives, vulnerability is the path.” ~Brené Brown

In cases of abuse, we are not responsible for how someone else treated us, but accountability can help us be responsible for how we treat ourselves. Even understanding the dynamics that keep us in abusive scenarios, we can begin to develop stronger self-love, social support, and healing. We can be accountable for being self-compassionate as we recover from abuse.

Be Honest

Let’s be honest — sometimes, we reach back into the past because we want the other person to feel bad about what they did and how they made us feel. We don’t just want an apology. We want vindication. Sometimes, we’re looking for their pain, not our progress.

Confrontation sometimes has its place. It can be important to hold other people accountable even if they won’t ever accept accountability. It helps to acknowledge how we feel and to be honest about how other people’s actions have been harmful. But if we keep reaching out to the same person and hoping for a different outcome, we’re likely making things worse for ourselves.

“The attempt to escape from pain, is what creates more pain.” ~Gabor Maté

We have to be honest. Do we want to heal, or are we finding a benefit in holding a grudge? I’m not suggesting that we’re enjoying the pain. It’s just so much easier to be angry than to feel the deep sadness that can come with a relationship ending. Confronting our own loss and grief can feel overwhelming. Seeing our own participation in cycles can be humbling. Sometimes, it’s easier to get mad and stay mad than actually attempt to heal.

Just Forgive

In truth, it can be so much harder to forgive ourselves than to forgive others, but any kind of forgiveness can be challenging. How do we forgive when someone isn’t sorry for what they did? How do we hold them accountable when they reject accountability?

The answer is simple — but not easy. We forgive because it’s the best thing to do for ourselves. We don’t do it for them. It’s not about letting them off the hook. We’re letting ourselves off the hook. We’re giving ourselves permission to let go of the pain and find our peace.

“As I walked out the door toward the gate that would lead to my freedom, I knew if I didn’t leave my bitterness and hatred behind, I’d still be in prison.” ~Nelson Mandela

Some people are easier to forgive than others. It was easy to forgive my parents after I took into account young parenting, a lack of social support, and intergenerational trauma. It was easy to forgive a former partner when I realized that we acted as a mirror for each other, bringing our shadow selves to light to be acknowledged and healed. It’s harder to forgive a former spouse when coparenting is an ongoing challenge.

We often benefit the most by forgiving the ones who are hard to forgive. These relationships can carry the weight of bitterness and regret — but they don’t have to. We can choose our peace while acknowledging that they’ll probably never apologize or show any accountability.

The Path to Peace, Recovery, and Closure

If we wait for other people to give us permission to be at peace, we’ll never have it. We might think we’re owed an apology from someone else, but we really owe ourselves healing. We don’t need outside participation to do that.

Sometimes, when I feel stuck, I ask myself what it is I’m hoping for by contacting the other person. My feelings are valid even if no one validates them for me. If I’m looking for an apology, it’s just as likely that I won’t get one and that the other person will feel attacked and defensive. I once wrote that it’s better not to reach for help from the source of our hurt, and I need to keep taking my own advice. Closure is, after all, an inside job.

Our healing journeys don’t look the same. I’m not going to stop on mine and wait for someone else to catch up. They may never come as far as I have. Even if they do, who’s to say we’re going in the same direction?

I’m going to keep moving. Maybe I’m owed an apology or two, but I try not to think that way anymore. No one else can give me what I’m looking for. Instead, I remind myself I am owed compassion, peace, closure, and forgiveness — all of which I can grant myself.