A Good Friday Gift

Every day is a day to look at yourself and who you are.

Introverts and extroverts alike learn how to relate with others and the world through observation, patience, tolerance, intelligence, logic, knowledge and importantly, through reflection.

My Easter 2019 Gift to myself is a feeling of well-being that I have not felt before. This was cemented on Tuesday 16th April when I said to my partner “I don’t know how I have survived what I’ve been through.”

My Stories on Medium have chronicled my personal challenges so I am not repeating them here. Anyhow the point is that suddenly I stopped comparing myself to others, I stopped thinking that I am not doing enough or not good enough, and my eyes and heart opened to the true Self that is me.

It was like a Flower blooming.

It was a purge, yes for sure. At last, after 55 years of Life on Earth as a human being I felt “ordinary”, not a strange person or a worthless being, but:

I felt ME. A humble, intrinsically happy and positive person, who loves to write & to read, and to engage with others; and to genuinely connect with all on Earth.

I have been through hell and back. This I first wrote about when on Forums back in the 1980s. Up until this year, intense feelings would come up now and then and upset me or throw me off balance.

It was FEAR or worry that I was “wrong”, doubting myself and my place in the world, and wondering how I could manage things. Life is strange, or is it?

Loneliness and humiliation are the emotions that I mainly could not purge until recently. No wonder I felt alone even among a large adoptive family, and little wonder that I felt humiliated, but I only recently realized that I could not feel otherwise, given what happened to me.

The worse thing was knowing that others were getting hurt. It’s funny what memories come up at what time, like the lead up to this Easter reminding me of when my sister and I were starving around age 12.

We were so hungry that I led us to the spare fridge which was in the laundry room, next to our bedroom on the ground floor. We had no option but to take the delicious marshmallow Easter egg treats which we had actually bought for our siblings, to eat ourselves.

That day would stand out in my mind often at Easter-time, not because back then I was hungry but because my twin sister was, and the only thing worse than harm being done to yourself is seeing or knowing it happening to someone that you love.

A young child should not go hungry for 3 days out of 7 i.e. be neglected, and she should not be punished when she hides chocolate biscuits under her pillow, for her sister to eat later when there was no food. Luckily I allowed myself to feel the full sadness and grief of this memory this week, and then I was able to let it go.

But back to this Easter story.

This year is different because it heralds my own personal redemption. I feel as though I have born again. I wrote a Story on Medium when I first began writing on Medium about what has kept me going.

The spark of always knowing my worth and of honoring and looking after myself has now been turned up into full flame; and Friday, 19 April 2019, was a Good Friday for me.

The ghosts of the past have finally dissipated and been transmuted to positive power only. My gift to others this Easter is to ask you to hang onto that flame which keeps you going, and to really or truly look after yourself by knowing that you are as “worthwhile” and helpful as the next person.

My Easter gift is a thought for Peace on Earth for all, on the wing of an Angel and a prayer.

Mettā is loving-kindness, friendliness, benevolence, amity, friendship, good will,kindness, close mental union. Metta teachings cultivate loving-kindness towards themselves then one’s loved ones, friends, teachers, strangers, enemies, and finally towards all sentient beings.

Get support for yourself in different ways, and let that spark became a shooting star.

About the Author

Celine Lai was born in Malaya (not Malaysia) and is the oldest inter-country adopted person in Australia. She loves reading and writing, and runs WordPress blogs and writes technical documents. She blogs mainly on Fascinating Animals.

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