avatarLiam Ireland

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A Funny Thing Happened At The Airport

En-route to where the sun doesn't shine!

Photograph by Andy Beales on Unsplash

I have done quite a lot of international travel over the years. And there is one particular trip that I remember so well that to this day it amuses and horrifies me in equal measure.

I was travelling from the south of Spain to Japan with an over-night stop in Amsterdam. The next morning I got up late and in my hurry to get ready I forgot to put on a pair of underpants.

Sitting in the taxi I made a mental note to use the bathroom at Schipol Airport. However, since it was rush hour and we got caught up in local traffic I made the decision to use the bathroom on the plane instead, rather than take the risk of missing my flight.

At the airport it was absolutely teeming with passengers, so I just ran as fast as I could to passport and security control. At this point I had put the underpants problem completely out of my mind. I was just focussed on getting through the melee as quickly as I could.

At last I got to the head of the queue I went through a quick mental check about having anything I shouldn't, like a bottle of water or a handy flick knife I sometimes carried. I decided that I had nothing worthy of any attention in my bag nor about my person. So it ought to have been plain sailing. Nothing could have been further from how it actually turned out.

I was shuffling about a little due to feeling somewhat nervous as I only had a few minutes to get to the gate from where my flight was leaving. Eventually I got to the head of the queue.

As I passed through the barrier that pings if it detects anything untoward, I suddenly heard that all too familiar sound. At first it puzzled me as I had emptied my pockets into a tray. The rather large female security guard looked at me with suspicion. In fact I think she been looking at me for a few minutes as I nervously shuffled about in the queue before I even got to the barrier.

" Ok," said the woman "Take your belt off."

Of course, that was what was pinging, I thought to myself. My next thought was this is going to make me miss my plane. And the thought after that was, I can't remove my belt as it is sewn into the trousers. With a bit of luck she would just wave me through. Fat chance of that ever happening.

I explained the problem to the woman and she eyed me with even greater suspicion. She decided to call my bluff.

"Then take off your trousers please."

"Errrr.....well the thing is madam, I am not wearing any underpants."

This simply seemed to have the effect of making her even more suspicious yet.

"I said, Take off your trousers, NOW!"

"Hey, somebody in a uniform and armed tells me to jump I say how high? I did warn you madam." And with that I took off my trousers. What happened next was that basically all hell let loose.

Some people simply looked away, a few gave sheepish grins and at least two attractive young ladies were giggling with their hands over their mouths.

What made it even worse was that many years before I spent a drunken night out with some leary mates and fell into a deep state one unconsciousness. These so called friends of mine took it upon themselves to drag me to a nearby tattoo parlour and had a tattoo engraved on my backside, just above the cleft of my buttocks. And that tattoo was now there for all to see, or more to the point, to read.

Underneath the tattoo was a sun circle with a frown and an arrow pointing down to the crease in my bum.The script was clear and easy enough to read from several yards away. It simply said....

" Hello! This is where the sun doesn't shine."

As I bent forward to pull my trousers back up that just seemed to make things worse. The place was rocking with laughter, all except for me, acutely embarrassed, and the security guards who all came running over screaming " Put your trousers back on NOW!"

The female security guard just stood shaking her head, which could have meant any number of things. However her male counterparts were clearly not amused. They all gathered around me and frog marched me to a private room where I was read the riot act. They said I was going to be charged with indecent exposure in a public place.

Eventually they quietened down enough for me to explain that I had simply done what I was ordered to do by their female colleague. Fortunately she was honest enough to confirm my story and amazingly I was let go.

As luck would have it, the kerfuffle had held up so many passengers trying to catch the same flight that the plane's departure was delayed and I managed to get on it just in time anyway.

Ever since that day when doing my last minute mental check before leaving home, or a hotel, my checklist goes something like....

Underpants, separate leather belt, passport, ticket, money.....

I would like to dedicate this funny story to a very dear friend Marco, 'El Cocinero Hollandes', (The Dutch Cook') who very sadly passed away long before his time a few years ago.

If you want to read a few other funny stories click on the link below, which at the end will take you to even more links and laughs.

Life Experience
Travel
Humour
Its Kind Of A Funny Story
Illumination
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