September 10, 2022

(A Foster) Family Is Flexible!

Refresh the Soul 30-Day Challenge: Day 10

As a little kid, somehow I knew I wasn’t ever going to give birth. I just knew.

I also remember seeing an episode of Father Knows Best during my childhood that talked about adoption, and that was like the missing piece for me. I told myself that if I were to become a parent, it would be through adoption.

Well, there’s a lot we don’t know as kids, and in this case, I didn’t know that I’d become a mom because of foster parenting. My former partner and I met our foster daughter when she was three. She lived with us full-time for over two years.

Luckily, we had developed a very positive relationship with her mom. We offered to continue to help with child care as our foster daughter transitioned back into living at her mom’s home. As it turned out, for the first year of her transition, she stayed with us a couple of nights a week, and we drove her back and forth to kindergarten quite a lot.

Over time we shifted into a pattern of picking her up from school on Tuesdays and Thursdays when her mom was at work. Her dad picked her up on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays.

When my partner and I separated and then divorced, my partner stuck with Tuesdays, and I kept Thursdays. We have the same routine to this day, and our three-year-old is about to turn 12.

The schedule does vary from week to week — sometimes her mom has an extra day off, so they spend more time together on Tuesday or Thursday. And during the summer, she sometimes visits us for longer periods of time. My ex takes her on a couple of camping trips each year, in fact. I don’t take her on trips, but she and I have always spent some relaxed summer days with my mom and nephews.

This week she started middle school, and in the photo her mom took on the first day, she looks so grown up. I had to go to the “favorites” album on my phone to look at the photo of her we took at the zoo when she was three — she’s got her arm around a little statue of a fox, and they’re just the same height; she’s looking off to the side in a serious way.

Both of these photos are good for my heart. Even better was that I picked her up from middle school for the first time yesterday and got the story about her new classes and how the middle school has cameras in the hallways, four different places to buy food in the cafeteria, and a special snack shop (only open if the kids are behaving politely) where she might buy slushies and cookies.

When my ex and I thought we’d adopt a child, we had no idea that our journey would turn out to be a different process of helping a little girl when she most needed it and being able to continue to be part of her family and help her grow however we can.

It’s hard to sum this up, but I guess it’s simple: you have to be open to what others need, and especially what children need. You can’t force your life to fit into a certain family picture that you had in mind. If you can be open, you might be able to have a wonderful feeling — even for a moment — that you were meant to be here at this time and in this place to read books and pour watered-down apple juice for a tiny, highly spirited person who comes into your life.

Thanks to Nancy Blackman for prompt 10 in the Refresh the Soul 30-day challenge: What is your definition of family?